Depression and suicidal ideation are very subjective and highly specific to each individual experiencing them. I have experienced both, so although I cannot speak for you, I do understand certain aspects of why people want to kill themselves.
If I had to guess, you have lost your sense of power and control, and you view this as something that will never, ever change. You're done, you lose- time to give in to the ultimate form of loss because, well, there is nowhere else to turn, right?
Wrong. Completely wrong. Yes, there are certain aspects of your personality that may not change much. But, if something causes so much pain that you want to die, and if you have any inkling of hope to still hold on to, which you do, then I guarantee you would love to change it. The problem is you think it cannot be changed- it is a part of you, inseparable form everything else. So, in order to destroy what is tormenting you, you also have to destroy what is beautiful about you, too- you have to kill yourself, your whole self, because you see yourself as tainted and unfixable.
I have one critique of the way you're thinking, my friend: you're not digging deep enough. There are multiple perspectives through which a person can view life. Through your current perspective, you see yourself as powerless and losing. You are the protagonist of your own story, but you are losing the battle and have no confidence in yourself of ever winning.
What if, instead, you could rewrite your story- the entire thing? What if, instead of the loser, you are the one who overcomes the struggles- the winner against all odds? Part of you, the depressed and suicidal part, whispers in your ear and tells you that is impossible, that you will always be a loser, a failure. But it's not, that's the beautiful thing. You are simply looking at life through the wrong lens. You need a new lens, my friend, because becoming the winner against all odds is more possible then you realize.
Let me turn this 'lens' concept into a metaphor. Picture life as this sphere. The sphere is surrounded by a circular wall, with little holes in it for you to peak through. You peak through one hole in this circular wall to look at the sphere. This hole is your perspective on the sphere, on life. From that hole in the wall, you see the sphere has two colors- black and white. Instead of looking through the other holes which you are, on some level, aware of, you continually look through this one hole- it's comfortable, it's there, it won't go anywhere, and you're used to it, even if it isn't very pretty because it only lets you see black and white.
Imagine now that, even though it is strange, different, and uncomfortable, you step away from your hole in the wall, and look through a different hole. To your surprise, you now see blue and red. Discovering that there is more than just black and white, you go to another hole, and discover purple, or green. Getting excited with your new discoveries, you go to another lens and see that there is gold, silver, sky blue, dark blue, brilliant red, etc. All along, there were all these beautiful colors, but you had no idea- your entire world was black and white, because you didn't move from your one hole in the wall. You didn't change your lens.
The point of the metaphor is this: change your lens, change your perspective, and you change your entire world.
You have one key source to power- the power over your mind. Over the years, things have not gone your way, and you have come up with these tapes to explain that, and the explanations are ones that cast you to be weak, pathetic, vulnerable, dependent, etc. But even worse, these tapes in your mind that repeat the same garbage over and over again tell you something else- they tell you that is who you are, forever, so you might as well just give up.
What if, instead, you could separate yourself from these tapes? What if you could simply remove them and look at the real you, give yourself a more objective look at who you actually are? What if you dug deeper than you're digging right now? What if you could rewrite the entire story?
We're all characters in this story society has made up for us all. There is a basic script that has been given to us all. We're supposed to grow up with a happy childhood, play with the neighborhood kids, go to high school, fall in love, go to the prom, go to college, discover ourselves, go out and get a great job, get married, get a house, a shiny car, have a couple kids, and live happily ever after. If you don't follow that script, if you deviate at all, you have messed up.
Most people are following this script, or at least presenting that illusion to others, for fear they may stand out and look vulnerable or strange to others for not following the script exactly. The script- it's safe, comforting, it offers the illusion of guarantees in a world where there are none.
What if I told you this script was complete bogus? All that pressure you feel to step into line and march in place- it's all made up! What if I told you that, instead, you can do whatever the hell you want with your own life? What if, even better, you could tell yourself that? What if you could find that sense of power? What if it could save your life?
What if I told you that, along with doing whatever you wanted, you also have the power to not do things? Yo don't have to be your parents, your expectations- you don't have to be the prom king or queen, the most brilliant mind in the universe- you can just be. You can be a human-being in the universe, unique, contemplative, curious, whatever you want to be. You can erase the story others have written for you, and instead write your own story. If you had that power, which you do, your hope would be bountiful, and death would be the last thing in the world you would ever want.
You're going to have to work. You have to be willing to work if you want to save your life. In the process of rewriting this story of yours, you have to tear up the old one, word by word. Painstakingly, you have to rewrite the story how you want it to be, how you want you to be. You have to not be afraid to dream up this impossible-seeming image of yourself. You have to get rid of the victim mentality. You have to be your own hero, and you have to fall in love with yourself. And then, the hardest part, once you come up with this plan of yourself, you have to live it every day of your life. You have to incorporate these changes and become the new you. None of that is easy, but it sure is better than being dead. Once you're dead, you're done. You can't discover the mysteries of life. You can't dig deeper, think harder, take on a new perspective- none of this is possible when you're dead. So, i offer you this challenge- stay alive. Stay alive and play the ga,e. Reinvent yourself. If you have a problem, separate it from yourself, view it as an object, figure out how it has been changing your life for the worse, think about how your life could be without the problem, and change your thinking to change your life.
You might tell yourself that the story you have been telling yourself is the truth, and that is what you're getting stuck on. You think you are a loser, you are weak, you are powerless, and it will always be that way- that is what you tell yourself constantly, to the point that you can't see things any other way.
What if I told you there is no truth greater than the other in life? What if I told you that you have the right to think of yourself as powerful, amazing, strong, and content, because you have been over-looking your powers by staring too long at the weaknesses? What if you could replace the "truth" you have now with this new one? What if I told you that you have all the options in the world, and one of them doesn't have to be death?
Don't let others tell you who you are. Did you know that everyone is crazy? Some people are sadistic sociopaths, and they enjoy seeing you squirm. They get a sense of power from it by stealing yours. They will tell you anything they can to hurt you and take away your power. Do you know how sad these people are? Do you know how lonely they are going to be in the end, if they can even feel loneliness? People catch on to these kinds of people, and they either run from them, or use them and destroy them because they themselves are sadistic sociopaths. Why would you let these people decide your fate?
Even harder to deal with, though, is when people who really love you end up hurting you in the name of protecting you. You can't let these people have power over you either, because in the process of protecting you from pain and mistakes, they are hurting you too. You need to take back your power and autonomy. There is no need to be angry with them, but there is the need to set boundaries and learn to stand on your own two feet. You need to be the writer of your own story.
These words might be coming off as a bit of tough love. I'm doing that because suicidal people and depressed people on the verge of becoming suicidal get coddled all the time. They get helped, shielded, carried- nothing saps power faster than being coddled and having everything taken care of for you all the time. These people have been placed into victim roles, and they feel they have no way out. Eventually they give in and just take the victim role as who they are, with no possibility of change. There is nothing more dangerous than that, there is nothing that saps life faster, that leads to death sooner. That is why I am trying to be real and honest in this essay. Like I said, change isn't easy. But, easy things never made a person feel proud, powerful, or happy. Only when we are challenged do we grow, and only when we grow do we gain power over ourselves and our future. In the end, it is up to you. I just wanted you to know why you shouldn't die.