Reading the unthinkable pain people are experiencing on this site really makes me think of where i have been and how far i have come. i had my first mental breakdown when i was in grade six and just started crying one day and could not stop. on and off i cried pretty solid for about a week and got pulled out of school. i got no real help or treatment. suicidal for years. at 18 i was very serious about harming someone who i blamed for ruining my life. luckily for everyone involved, the police picked me up and i spent months in treatment. today, ten years later, i am healthier and happier than i have ever been in my life. i can give and accept love in healthy ways and i am SO SO glad i did not act on my pain. i am so so glad i dont hate humanity and i am able to forgive daily instead of turning bitter. things change and the part is that you can decide if they change for worse or better. when something big happens in your life, all the pieces are in the air and you can shape what things will look like when they settle again. in my life, i have experienced how sometimes one thing is the most important thing in the world, usually for the worst. looks, which i never thought i had, grades in school, which i thought were my only way of being valuable, a love object, who i would think was the only person who could ever love me. in a second, none of these things mattered. school, i dropped out and am still valuable, looks, bodies change constantly throughout life. at some point, the thing you think is ruining and running your life could stop being important at all. i have been lucky to have had it happen time and again. making the change positive it is difficult work and obviously help would help. it took years to get my medications right and that seems to be the story from pretty much everyone here on the other side. all you have to do is survive. if you are going through hell, keep on going.