though i still come ehre alot and talk about how stressful my world is and how problems in my relationship, but wat im feeling now is nothing compared to wat i was feeling.
my depression started when i was 8 or 9 yrs old, and i was suicidal from age 6 believe it or not. i had no one to turn to, everyone i had punished me for it. my dad left us for drugs, my mother was stuck raising 2 young girls and a new born baby who was later dignosed with autism. when i was 9 yrs old, i bunrt our house down in hopes of killing myself, but i got scared, grabbed out cats and ran out. and to this day, no one nos it was me. when i was ten we moved from south carolina to ohio. when i was 12, we moved from ohio to arizona. 13-arizona to north carolina. 15-north carolina bk to ohio. i was never popular in school, i was always being bullied. my mom cut mess of culry hair into a boys style and i wore used clothes bc we couldnt afford anything else. i was picked on for having not having a father, for having a lil brother who didnt talk from 4-9 yrs old, for being poor, for being shy, the teachers pet bc i always did my school work but rarely got good grades, i was caught by my classmates crying in the bathroom a few times and that didnt help. my onli escape growing up was my bdsm fantasies and masturabting (starting at around 5 or 6 yrs old, i was never abused in any way!) and now im addicted to masturbating to sick fantasies and get no pleasure from them.
i tried everything to kill myself, [edited], and so much more. all this by the time i was 14 yrs old and i got into selfharming on regular basis. when i got the urge to die, i would cut. with in 2 yrs, i became addicted. i carried around a razor blade i stole from my neighbors tool box, i still have the scars from it. from the time i was 14 to 16, my mother saw the cuts, my sister saw me make them, my grandmother stared at them but never said anything, my friends new (the ones i trusted), and no one cared. and when i was 16, i went into my school bathroom to cut bc my teacher called me out infront of the class and everyone was mocking me, i stopped and counted 63 cuts all over my body and i realized it was time to stop. by them i had been begging my mom for yrs to let me see a therapist, so i decided to push it further.
i needed to live but i wanted to die. so when i was 16, i put into therapy. i had a good therapist who did everything she could for me, but my mother would just turn it all around. just b4 my 16th bday, my mom threw my older sister out and it suddenly became my responisbility to pratically take on my absent fathers role as a parent to my brother and take on 90% of hte house work, which caused me to esculate. so when i was 16 and started therapy, ji felt like i was too far lost already. but i was able to break my razor blade and get better. i was still cutting ,just not a much, and as i spent more timein therpay, the less suicidal i got, and the less miserable my mother was making my world. but after 6 months of therapy, my mother impatietnly mentioned she cant keep dpoing this, she had bigger things to worry about, my therapist suggested meds. i was put on prozac and after a month, i was spinning out of control again, and once again, no one cared. everyone was telling me its normal. its normal to suddenly feel suicidal again and its normal to have severe moodswings as if u were bipolar. everyting was normal.
and then i met a guy. he was 23. a devoted christian and praticing virgin. my friend misty set me up with him, i stole him from a 15 yr old girl i hated with a passion. and we dated for 2 weeks, i spent a night at his house and went to church with him. but when my mom found out about him, she made me break up with him and i did. but whne i called him bk saying im sry, he informed me that it didntmatter, its not like were really together. even though we had spooned in his bed and kissed and were telling eachother all the lil details of our lives. but we werent really together, as he put it. i had a nervous breakdown and was put into a mental hps[ital for a week. the doctors there tried to tal kto my mother, sugggested to tske me off prozac and try something else, take off some of my responisbilities. and my mother, infront me, and said she agreed. but when we got home, she informed me i aws grounded and she was pulling me ou tof public school. i rebelled of course. snuck out of th ehouse to see the 23 yr old guy who swore to me he was a virgin and wated to wait until marriage, which didnt matter bc we werent really together anyways. but i snuck out of the house to see him, we went to his church, and then he took me to a park where he said i was the perfect girl and he started making moves and said he wanted sex. i said no and he left me htere at the park.
my mother had called the police, they wrote me down as a run away. i was almost arrested, but my sister convinced my mom to let me go bk to the hospital, and i did for another week. when i got out, misty had hooked carsten (23 yr old) up with another teenage girl and i was forgotten about. my cousin had told the hole school where i was and everyone was afraid to say something to me about it, but i new they were talking about me when i past them, just the way they looked at me.
the second trip to the hospital was an eye opener for me. i was able to see how much dmage i was doing, and how much more i could be doing to make myself better. so i stoppped taking prozca, didnt tell the doctors or my mom. and i slowly started getting better.
close to my 17th bday, my therpaist said she was moving and i was going to be seeing someone else, and that someone else was a complete idiot. for some reaosn she thought a 16 yr old suicidal girl would be interested in finger painting. and i couldnt get switched so i stopped therapy all together.
then my friend ashley who was having problems with depression herself, suggested this site to me. and is tarted to come on here and it was such a relief. i was able to get everything out without being afraid of judgement or anything. i was able to start writing poetry and get better on my own, but everyone here was leading me in the direction. when i was 18, i woke up one morning and i felt something different. somehting amazing. like i had been trapped in a cage my hole life and i was finally free. and it happened so fast i didnt no wat to do. i had gone from beng numb to feeling everything, from being miserable to smiling, from not caring about my scars to regretting them. and as time went on, it felt more and more ublieveable. i didnt feel alone anymore, or lost or anything. i still cut, it was the onli way i new to handle stress, but the last time i cut was november 23, 2008, and my scars are slowly disappearing. im down to four now, and there barely visible.
the hardest part was the fact that all ofmy life, ive been depressed. depression was my childhood, my teenage yrs. i didnt plan a future bc i thought i was going to kill myself b4 i got here, i regretted my bdays bc i hated myself for not killing myself yet. i never thought about getting better or anything else, i was just sitting bk, waiting for the day i was brave enough to end my life, and i never could. and yes, i still come on here when im stressed or feeling alone, i live a stressful life. ppl think that once u get threw depression, ur so happy and everything, and thats not 100% true. dont get me wrong, its still much easier and worth the fight, but u still have stress, u still have misery and lonliness and anger and sadness. all thats just as real as happiness. ppl think i cant possibly be threw my depression bc i feel like this sometimes, but its just something thats impossible to explain. or maybe thats just me bc ive spent my life aorund misery, idk how to explain happiness. but it is such a wonderfull amazing feeling, and i swear to all of u its worth the fight. and i no i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for everyone here. i wouldnt have survived after i left therpay. and the best part is is that i can honestly say i dont have any regrets. bc if i hadnt gone threw wat i went threw, i wouldnt be strong enough to handle the stress and the misery and the lonliness along with happiness im feeling now. i dont regret all my suicide attempts, im grateful that they werent successful. bc if they had been, idk where my love andy would be now. and the fact is, we met on this site. so everyone here has not onli helped me threw deoression, but brought me the thing that makes me the happist i will ever b.
im 20 yrs old now. i havent cut since november 23, 2008. i havent tried to kill myself since i was 17, had a few htoughts but nothing more. and nowi habdle stress like everyone else, i handle loneliness like everyone else, and i handle happiness like everyone else. and its all bc i had a wonder counselor for 10 months, caring friends, and everyone here. im a strong person, im brave, im beautiful and im amazing. and now that im sitting here in the middle of the night, writing out my complete life story, i cant beleive i ever felt like i was anything else then that.
and i can tell u flat out the things have helped me-poetry, marilyn manson, and everyone here. im so grateful to everyone here, and i hope my story helps someone see that this war is worth fighting, even if u lose a few battles along the way, its still worth it.