hello folks I just wanted to add something positive for a change of pace here. all of you have the strength within you to beat this illness which is keeping you down, you may not know it right now but it's there all the same.
I've had major depression since early childhood, life was never good for me, I was mentally and physically abused by my parents until I was about 20 years old. I had a major anger problem. I grew up in a city where everyone in the neighborhood new everyone else, I was always shunned and picked on because my father was a cop, no one wanted me around, which led me to constantly be in fights and I got good at it, so good infact that a new problem arose, other people didn't want to be around me out of fear. my depression grew deeper and deeper through the years to the point that I finally attempted to kill myself twice, which obviously failed thankfully. I was going to a doc and seeing a therapist and on 6 different meds at the same time for a very long time, none of which were helping at all, all the meds did was make me numb and emotionless like a walking zombie. I had no care for anything or anyone including myself. my wife had told me that she was leaving me and taking my daughter with her, she was tired of me not trying to help myself. I again got suicidal, only this time I took the step forward and changed docs and therapists, several times in fact, slowly things began to change, meds were changed and some removed completely, I was seeing the doc every 2 weeks and the therapist twice a week for a while. the numbness began to fade over time and the anxiety was getting under control, and the anger which went away while I was numb from the meds never returned. finally I was experiencing something I wasn't used to, emotions, my wife saw that I was trying and making great progress and decided to stay for a bit longer to see what progressed. I was at last out of my shell and not isolating, I was doing stuff and living for once, and even began to be happy for the first time in my life. I wasn't thinking about depression anymore and realized that finally after many many years I may just have beaten depression. I went from trying to take my own life to being vibrant and truly happy.
it does happen and can happen to you to, just never give up and keep fighting, it will get better, you need to make the decision to make the necessary changes, don't give up suicide is not the answer. i do beleive that i am still susceptible to going backwards again, so yes this is a life long event, i work on myself everyday so i can stay where i am at right now.
i hope whoever reads this finds it helpful.