I remember that first feeling I had when I literally fell out of the airplane. I never felt that scared in my entire life. All my senses became stronger, I could feel each muscle of my body becoming tense and my face expressing shock. That second I felt real natural fear that I never fell before. But it lasted a fraction of a moment and then something beautiful happened, I was flying.
I made my first skydive 2 years after I first met my ex-boyfriend with whom I fell in love. I thought finally Iíve met a guy who loves me and who cares about me and who is going to be with me forever. He used to call me by his last name and we used to plan our life together and how we are going to name our dog and our children. And then nightmare beganÖ He had drinking and drug problems, I had mental health problems. This combination lead us to fight. Soon he start beating me up, then police became involved. So the long story short, a year after physical abuse, multiple police visits, him cheating and tons of drama, we finally managed to break up. I changed my phone number, stop contacting all mutual friends and moved to another part of the city. I still felt I love him and I keep thinking about him. Maybe 8 months after I call him. Weíve met, make up and drama begin again. I knew I am not healthy and I keep fucking up my life. Iíve been in counselling all this time after we broke up and I start learning that my previous life full of abuse and alcoholism in family, made an impact on my mental health. But even knowing and understanding all that I was getting back to bad habits, like my abusive boyfriend, drinking, smoking, hooking up in cheap hotels. I had a nice job, had a master's degree and immigrated to Canada on my own. Nevertheless, I didnít know how to change my life, how to respect myself, my body, my identity. I never felt I worth a weekend of doing something nice with a man I love, I always thought I should work hard to deserve even one weekend of joy and peace and beauty.
So after holding on for almost a year to managing normal life and relapsing again to old habits I totally lost respect to myself. I didnít think that my life worth anything. And this is when I made a decision to try and mark off few dreams from my bucket list. Those always was dangerous to try. I knew I can die skydiving, but at that moment in time I didnít care anymore.
After I roll out of the plane attached to skydiving instructor and feeling terrified, I felt I am flying. It was so beautiful, an air was so soft. I look around and saw a video camera guy floating beside us and I scream as loud as I could. I felt happyÖ. Then the parachute opened and entire world freeze. I did not hear a single sound up there, not even birds. I didnít feel we are descending. I felt like I am just standing still in the middle of the world and time stop just for me to enjoy this moment. It was my paradise. I didnít feel so happy for a long time, maybe never at all.
My life have changed after that skydive. I never went back to abusive boyfriend. Instead, I sign in for the course and became a licensed skydiver. I am skydiving every summer and I love it. It was not easy to start jumping considering my fear of height, but I thought if I can fight my fear I can fight my mental issues. But after a while I realize that we cannot erase our fears, they will always follow us. But it is not about fighting, it is about learning how to live with them. I am still scared to skydive, but I know how to live with my fears now. Now, I am learning how to live with depression and anxiety.