I would say this is my biggest catalyst for having come to this forum. For a long time, I've lived with a bunch of disturbing behavior, lapses in memory, panic attacks in certain situations. I had my suspicions before but they were always just questions I had. It was only recently that memory of the incidents came back to me. The only bright side I can find is that now I at least know it happened but with this realization has come a whole lot of other issues as I have no one in my life to tell, considering one of the last two members of my family I wasn't forced to break contact with was one of the family members involved in this incident and the other one doesn't believe me (or that it could happen to a man at all) and just laughed it off.
This has just come at a terrible time as all of the weight of years of depression and isolation are only being made worse by this and I have no idea where to turn. I cope by dissociating which, in the moment of dissociation, is worse for me because a lot of the time I just want to make myself feel something or show signs of being human, but once it slips through I relive it - the pain, fear, everything. The most disturbing thing to me is the fact that it's driving me further away from any possibility for reaching out. My behavior is becoming more disgusting to me as my mind tries to eroticize the things that happened and I can't help but feel disgusted in myself, growing increasingly secretive in addition to no longer taking care of myself.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for but I just don't want to bottle it up anymore and I guess see what advice maybe others had to offer? I apologize if this isn't how this works, just felt like a good place to unload what I can't share anywhere else. I have attempted to share this in other online mediums where I can be anonymous but I almost always encounter dismissal, mockery, or predatory behavior of which I've fallen for a few times, hoping this place will turn out different.