I'm so damn dirty.
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I'm so damn dirty.

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Old 02-12-21, 11:52 AM   #1
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Default I'm so damn dirty.

I can't even believe it myself.
It's been a few days since I told Mom and I can't believe how calm I was. Now I can only feel hysteria I've been thinking about deleting my previous posts, I feel so much embarrassment.
I think it would have been better to keep quiet and wait, that was the plan.

Lately my friends no longer write to me, do I disgust them? I can't blame them, I disgust myself a lot.

I have not been able to sleep in the last few nights.
I have nightmares I know they are not real but they seem so real.
I can see him again, he enters my room and goes up to my bed, he puts his hands on me as always and calls me "champion" in that dream he hardly ever hurts me but I still feel fear and without lying I also feel disgust.

In the dream, he had never hurt me until last night. In the dream everything was repeated as always but this time I could not wake up I tried my best to wake up, but I couldn't and he did the thing that hurts to me.

I just remembered that, I also see shadows I think the bad man has returned but in the form of a shadow. Is it a ghost?


I told mom about the nightmares but I think she hates me. I think it's my fault that she looks like a zombie, she just keeps smoking and crying and I can't do anything because she gets mad if I try to make her feel better. I should have shut my mouth, it's my fault.


I didn't want to shower this morning either, mom yelled at me for that. She doesn't understand it, I disgust myself, I disgust everyone, I don't want to touch myself or see myself in the mirror in the least.

I just want to get out of this body, this is dirty, I need a new one.
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Old 02-12-21, 05:06 PM   #2
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If your mum is feeling this way because of what happened, then itís not your fault for telling her - itís the manís fault for what he did. If he never did anything then none of this would have happened. Whoís in the wrong; the person who harmed someone else intentionally, or the victim who spoke up about it?

Iím a little disturbed that your mum is yelling at you after what happened, she should understand that youíre in a vulnerable position and have just gone through something deeply traumatic. Do you think itís possible for you to have a conversation with your mum, to help her understand how you feel? I know you told her about what happened, but have you tried to explain this feeling of being ďdirtyĒ, or about the nightmares? Do you think sheíd be understanding? You seemed hesitant to talk her about what happened with the man, but once you did she said she was glad you told her about it. Perhaps more communication is the key?

If you donít feel like you can talk to your mother, is there anyone else you might feel comfortable talking to? Do you have any other relatives you are close with, or a teacher at school that you trust? Do you think your mum would be willing to send you to therapy, or is there maybe a counselor at your school? Keeping these feelings bottled up will not help; it can feel difficult to talk to others about our problems, and it can be hard brining up things weíd rather forget, but in the long run itís better to confront the problems in our lives than to pretend they donít exist.

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Lately my friends no longer write to me, do I disgust them? I can't blame them, I disgust myself a lot.
Do your friends even know about what happened? I havenít been through what you have, but I have had moments in my life where I retracted from the world - this resulted in less communication with my friends. Have your tried reaching out to your friends? Maybe they feel similar, and you might each be waiting for the other person to reach out for contact. There are many reasons why friends sometimes drop out of contact, sometimes life gets busy and we forget to talk to those who are close to us - and sometimes we forget just how much time has passed since we last spoke.

Why do you feel like you disgust others? I donít think you do, but I think this feeling of disgust is just another result of what the man did to you. Heís already harmed you enough, he doesnít have to keep harming you further. Did you feel this way before, or only after what happened?

The process of healing doesnít happen overnight and there will be ups and downs along the way. Remember that none of this is your fault; you didnít set out to hurt anyone, and any actions youíve taken have been in pursuit of healing. You canít blame someone, even yourself, for trying to heal - but you absolutely can blame someone, like the man, who set out to harm others. This situation is his fault, never confuse his culpability with your pain. Have you or your mother contacted anyone in regards to the man and what he did?

Things can change, others have been though similar situations and have made it out okay. Have you considered looking into support groups for people who were abused? It might be helpful to hear from other people who have experience something similar, maybe theyíd have useful advice, or it might just be calming to be around others who understand.

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Old 02-12-21, 10:58 PM   #3
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I think I can understand about mom. It is not her fault, Daniel was the only man she was with after my father died and he was the only man she did not choose well.

In fact, Mommy can't understand something if you don't tell her well, I haven't told her my reasons and I think that even if I don't tell her, she knows them but she's afraid to accept it, maybe I don't know. I'm afraid to tell mom, I'm afraid she will get angry and won't believe me or else she will treat me again like a Pomeranian who has been run over. But I will think about it.

There is a very good teacher at my school, his name is Jorge.

The bad guy thing has been going on for about 11 months or so before the quarantine, when he still wasn't living with us. Before it was milder, he used to look at me in a very ugly way and sometimes he
He used to caress my back or my leg but he did it in an ugly way too. When it all started, I got very sad for some reason, but I thought it was normal, and I told a teacher because they often tell us that they would help us in whatever way they could but he don't take it well, you see, in My country and in my city, people are very homophobic (I learned a new word) and he just said that he did not want fags in his classroom (it sounds hard to believe but it is true, people here are like that). But some time later, I asked another teacher about the subject, they are not allowed to talk to us about those subjects because my school is very religious, he could not tell me much but he told me that it was not right and that in case it was happening, I was supposed to tell him immediately, but somehow I convinced him that everything was fine. However, he is still behind me, maybe I can talk to him if mom doesn't want to listen to me.

I don't think mom wants to take me to therapy. It scares me and she says that God cures everything, apart from recent medical studies, she does not take me to the doctor often because that would be disrespecting our Lord. I have told her many times that it is necessary, but she does not listen to me as always

I'm definitely going to face my problems but I don't want to do it without mommy.

I guess my friends must know or at least their parents. They are usually whiny and fearful, no wonder they stopped talking to me. I'm sorry, I sound very violent but the truth is I don't know how to feel or why they distanced themselves, it may be, as you say, because I stopped talking to them when I felt bad. I feel like a bad friend.

I started to feel disgusted since he became mom's boyfriend. My body may look like a whore and that's why he did what he did, that's what I usually think. I'm so childish sorry.

I understand that the victim is not the one who is to blame and I should not feel guilty, that is selfish because everyone tries to help me. But I can't help but feel guilty, I remember that when the bad man used to do things to me sometimes I felt good, I didn't want it but at the end of the day, it felt good while he did it, that's why it's my fault and that's why I am a dirty.

Maybe I will talk to people with the same situation, but it will still be difficult for me.

Again, thank you very much for your words and for taking the time to write and read me. Sorry to cause you so much trouble.
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Old 02-14-21, 12:24 AM   #4
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It's hard for me to recommend talking/not talking to your mum - I, of course, don't know much about either of you. I think talking to her is a good idea; she seemed to take it well when you told her what had happened to you. She didn't seem to get angry then, so I think it's possible that she might be willing to hear you out now. But you know her better than I do, if you really think she might get angry with you then you might need to find someone else to tell. That being said, I don't think she won't believe you; she believed you when you talked about Daniel, so I think she'd believe what you have to say about your feelings and your experience.

If you do trust the other teacher then he might be a good person to talk to if the conversation with your mother doesn't go well. I'm sorry to hear that so many people where you live wouldn't be willing help in a situation like this, and I think it's terrible that the first teacher you talked to didn't want to help - even though teachers should be looking out for their pupils. At least there is another teacher who might be willing to help.

Again, it's unfortunate that your mum wouldn't want to take you to therapy. You said there would be more medical exams in the future, do you think you could ask the staff at the hospital if there's a psychologist available to see you? Even a short discussion with one when you're there next could be helpful, I'm sure they'd have access to useful resources.

Do you think your mum told your friends' parents about what happened? I was wondering if you possibly told them but if you didn't, and if you think they know, then I wonder who told them?

I'm sorry if I made you think you were a bad friend - this isn't what I was trying to get at. I was just trying to say that life can get in the way sometimes, and sometimes communication between friends might just slow down and stop without anybody knowing why. Even then it was just one possibility. Do you think you still want to be friends with them? If you do, would you feel comfortable trying to contact them again?

I don't think that Daniel did those things because you think you "look like a whore". There's nothing objective about you that caused him to do what he did. He must have acted upon what's inside his own mind. He is not some mindless robot that does what he is programmed to do without any self control. You did not force him to do what he did - he did what he did because there is something wrong with him. There is something wrong with his mind that made him want to do this; he did what he did even though he knew it was wrong.

I understand the situation is still difficult for you, this isn't the kind of thing you get past overnight. But I'm glad you're taking steps in the right direction.

And you are not causing me any trouble People come here to talk about their problems, or to help others with their problems. You're not forcing me to talk to you, I'm more than happy to help in what little way that I can.
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Old 02-15-21, 09:34 AM   #5
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Hello.
Yes well, thanks for your advice, when I wrote that message, Mom was being distant and yelling at me for moments. I guess I was upset and took it more seriously than it was. I'll talk to mommy, but when she's more calm or sober.

Well, people here are always rude it is normal. Yup my teacher is option B in case my mom is never willing to talk about it again


Oh I think I can do that, ask to a doctor. Sometimes they ask mom to leave the room at the time of exams, I can ask the doctor and she won't be there to get mad

I suspect that Mommy told my friends' mothers. Here it is very normal to talk about the most personal things, even if then they are talking about the new gossip out there. I think my friends' moms told their husbands and they don't let my friends talk to me anymore, it's a theory.


Don't apologize, I'm very stupid, I don't usually get what people really want to tell me. They are my lifelong friends, of course I want them to be my friends again, and I would feel comfortable because I already know them, what I don't know is if they would feel comfortable next to me, those from school would annoy them.

Thanks, it's just that, I don't understand why someone would do what he did. I just can't understand it, did he have a disease that made him act like this? It's the only reason I can find, poor him.

Thank you! You've helped me a lot, I just really wouldn't know what to do hehe.

Yes, now that I think about it, yes, here people come to that, to help and be helped, it is just that, no one has ever taken so long to listen to me and I feel like I cause you problems, although it is good to know that I do not cause them: )
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Old 02-16-21, 03:11 PM   #6
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Nice, so now you have a plan for who to talk to; mum, teacher, doctor.

With your friends, it might make you anxious, but the only way to find out if they’re still okay being your friends is if you talk to them. Is there anything holding you back? Are you worried that they might not want to be?

I don’t know how much the man is to be pitied. Maybe he didn’t choose to have the thoughts that were in his head, but he did choose to act on them. I wouldn’t dwell to much on trying to understand him; there are some things in this world that we will never know, no matter how much we would like to. Sometimes people do terrible things and all we know is that they did it, but not why.

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Thank you! You've helped me a lot, I just really wouldn't know what to do hehe.
That’s alright, I’m just happy to help
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Old 02-16-21, 05:37 PM   #7
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Yup, I'll talk to mommy after talking to the doctor. I think that tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I will have another medical exam or another procedure for internal damage, I think (I'm a little nervous). I'm going to have to stay in the hospital for at least one night, I'll have an excuse to talk to many doctors hehe. I don't know how to express myself very well, but I know that when I hear the words of the doctor, I will have a more concise idea and my mother will listen to me :).

Yes, talking to my friends makes me a little nervous. I'm afraid that I disgust them or that they think they should give me special treatment and that nothing will be the same again.


Well, the truth is that it scares me to think that he did what he did because yes, I can't help but feel sorry for him. He seemed like a good person, he turned into someone bad. I can't lie, I hate Daniel but I guess he was also a child like me, how can someone suddenly turn bad? Something bad must have happened to him, and I'm afraid to become like him, I'd rather kill myself before being like him.

I'm glad it makes you happy to help! : D that gives a good impression of you.
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Old 02-17-21, 08:09 PM   #8
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I hope all goes well at the hospital :)

With your friends you said you're worried that things won't be the same if you try and talk to them again. But once you were in contact with them, so if you all continue not to talk then things will still not be the same as they were. It's up to you whether you think it's worth trying to contact them again, and you don't have to if you don't want to. Maybe it's worth making a list of the pros and cons for contacting them, and another list of pros and cons for not contacting them?

I don't know if it's helpful to view people as either good or bad. People can have both good and bad traits; in some people there are more good traits, while in others there are more bad traits. This means there can be some negative aspects to an otherwise wonderful person, and there can be some positive aspects of an otherwise horrible person. Some people may only have a few bad traits, but sometimes they can be so terrible so as to outweigh the good.

The man might not necessarily have been a good person who turned bad, he may have just concealed the bad side from everyone else. Sometimes bad people might find it useful to hide the negative aspects of themselves to gain trust, and then they exploit this trust for their own selfish reasons.

Why are you afraid that you might become like him?
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Old 02-17-21, 08:37 PM   #9
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Thanks for your good wishes : )


I decided, I will talk to my friends again, well, not with everyone ... Today in class (online) as soon as they said my name to take attendance, two of my friends turned on their microphone on purpose to laugh at me, they did not say nothing, they just laughed. I never felt so betrayed.

That issue of good and bad people confuses me, being honest, as I had understood, all people are good. But what you are telling me is interesting, I will reflect on it for a longer time.

Wow I never thought about the possibility that his nature was "bad", since as you say, I do not think it is very useful to classify each person as good or bad.

Well, thinking about that option of looking for people who have gone through the same thing, I found that many people who were victims like me, become abusers. I'm so scared, I don't want to be like him.
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Old 02-24-21, 11:41 PM   #10
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:( sometimes people can be cruel. Are you sure they were laughing at you? If they don't treat you well then I agree it may not be worth talking to them, but I'm glad you've decided to reach out to your other friends.

Hmm, I guess it really depends on what you mean by "all people are good". If you mean that all people have the potential for good, then I agree, but not everyone lives up to their potential. It also depends on how we use the word "bad"; if we use "bad" to mean "completely bad" then I don't know if that truly describes anyone. But if we use the word "bad" to mean "more bad than good" then I think it's a useful term. This is more how I use the word when I describe the man; that the bad parts of him outweigh the good. When I said I don't find it helpful to view people as "either good or bad" I meant that it's not useful to view people as entirely good or entirely bad. I realise now that I've used the word to mean both things in previous posts, but hopefully this clears up some confusion.

I've also heard the hypothesis that victims of abuse are more likely to become abusers - when compared to the general population. I'm not sure how true this is; sometimes ideas make their way around a society even if they are false. I think there are two very important things you need to understand about this idea:
  • If it is true (and it may not be!) the way it's typically phrased implies that the majority of victims do not become abusers; they are just more likely to than people who were not abused. This means even if it is true, then you will probably not abuse anyone.
  • The second point to remember is - what you've heard might not be true. It was from a number of years ago, but I found a report from the United States General Accounting Office where they conducted a review of several studies into this issue. They determined that the results were "inconclusive" about whether victims of abuse are more likely to become abusers later in life. I have not had an in depth look at more recent research, but I do not believe anyone has established a solid link.

So, if what you have heard is true then you will probably not grow up to be an abuser. Furthermore, what you have heard could be false or exaggerated. On top of all of this you must remember that you have control over yourself. I believe in you and I think that if you ever did develop these urges later in life that you would not act on them because you know the harm it will inflict on others. If you do ever get these feelings then you should probably seek the help of a medical professional. I do not know what the rules are in your country, but in most places psychologists cannot disclose your personal information to others unless you are in immediate danger of harming yourself or in immediate danger of harming someone else.

Again, it is unfortunate that the actions of this man have made you worry about yourself. You haven't done anything wrong, and I think you are a good person - or at least I think the good in you vastly outweighs the bad I also think that you can be too hard on yourself, and I think you see a lot of bad in you that isn't really there.

I hope things have gone well at the hospital
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