I'm messed up. Just in and out
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I'm messed up. Just in and out

This is a discussion on I'm messed up. Just in and out within the Sexual Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; when I was young maybe about nine, my next door neighbour was a guy and a couple of years older ...

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Old 02-06-17, 12:11 PM   #1
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when I was young maybe about nine, my next door neighbour was a guy and a couple of years older than me. Our parents let us watch what we wanted and over 18 films, that probably contributed,
He used to try and force me into things, like hed say "just in and out once" (omg its like clockwork orange I just realised) and get me to touch his bits (which I remember being all gritty, how strange but kinda grossed me out hardly any wonder I was a virgin longer than m y friends ) when his mum was watching me and my brother.
We would play outside and build huts in bushes and he would knock me to the ground and I always resisted with him on top and he'd cover my mouth, pull down his trousers yet he seemed to hesitate when I wouldn't agree and he'd give up. But the next day I would get myself in the same position and go out and play with him being coerced into a dark shed, where he would plead to do adult stuff. Sort of explains how my ex convinced and coerced me into being so conforming, I must have had a low opinion of men but that's a different story (then again I trusted women less)

Ah I have so many issues to work on. Help.

The thing is I FORGAVE him. I never held it against him. I actually slept with him while he had a longterm girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. when I was 17/18. I was hesitant to kiss him and we stopped halfway . It was wrong and I did some things I'm not proud of at that age cause I became really self destructive at that age.

But I don't hate him, he was a young man and he has a wonderful family now and he deserves it

I think I'm a bit confused her . need someone to shed some light
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Old 02-06-17, 08:13 PM   #2
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We all do small or big mistakes in our life but we learn from them and move on. As for you, you have already forgiven him and that's a good thing. Don't worry about your issues being "so many" it'll take time but if you'll address them one by one you can always take care of them.

*hugs*
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Old 02-07-17, 02:15 PM   #3
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Yes thanks
I never held a grudge in the first place, maybe I do give people the benefit of the doubt. But I have never told one single person about this before so I had to get it down. But I have realised that my mind resolved it a long time ago.
I held onto a lot of anger though. Five years ago, it cast me into isolation, I hit out at everybody, even people who weren't close, some who tried to help. Like you say one thing at a time
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Old 02-09-17, 08:08 PM   #4
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You're welcome. :) And not holding grudge is a very positive thing. Not everyone can do that.
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Old 10-23-17, 12:55 PM   #5
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Forgiving someone for something like this is as I see it a very difficult thing (if not seemingly insurmountable), not because of the other person but because letting yourself have the courage and equanimity enough to move on. I hope you can keep going with the same strength and I know that when difficult times asue, we are many that are here to offer the help and compassion we can.
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