Originally Posted by banjo
I suffered two instances of sexual abuse before the age of 10. It has destroyed multiple relationships I've had. Now it has gotten to the point where my anxiety seems to affect everyone I interact with. I'm so angry. I'm missing the control I need and feel I deserve. It's a draining cycle. As a young man I can't tell anyone about my abuse. I'll be judged/pitied and I cant handle those consequences. I started posting on this site because I don't have or want any other outlet.
Hi, banjo. Welcome to TTL btw.
I'm sorry about what you went through. That is not pity nor judgement. It is one survivor saying to another - it is something no child should ever ever have to live through. But we do live through it.
However, it does leave scars that affect how we live today. All through my teens and twenties I was in denial about the trauma. I repeatedly drank to point of blacking out, kept putting myself in dangerous and humiliating sexual situations, and to this day I still struggle believing anyone can actually love me. Therapy/counseling has really really helped though. I can't stress that. Our shame secrets about past trauma grow inside us like cancer and take over the parts of us that are good, pure, loving.
With much respect, I wish to ask you to reconsider what you believe about being male and not being able to tell anyone about the abuse. Yes, I know there are stupid rules about what is supposed manly behaviour. But let me tell you right now, it's all bull shit.
You are still a human, doesn't matter if you pee standing up or sitting down. All humans have rights and needs. And when they are violated by being sexually abused as a child, the effects can be damaging. But the abuse we perpetuate on ourselves - like I did in my earlier years - is just as bad. Including the belief that we don't have the right to get healing or help because of our gender.
I don't know where you live, but I would ask you to please, check out community counseling for abuse survivors. They are required to keep what you say confidential (unless there is some kind of safety risk to yourself or others then they have to disclose according to law). They are trained to help people begin their healing journey from trauma. And yes, sexual abuse is trauma. I think its the worst.
And yes healing is a journey - a process. Not a one-two step and boom all better. But it is so worth it.
are worth it.