When I was in 4th grade I moved to a new state. I went to a new school where everyone looked different and spoke a different language than me. I wanted to fit in so bad. When I saw him touching the other girls, I thought it was normal. Everything was different (what I learned, how we ate at lunch, everything) so why would I ask questions now? Then it started happening to me. I was so confused because I thought after it happened that I would finally fit in.
He wouldn't let me call him by his name. I was only allowed to call him Mr. My teacher molested me. Even writing it makes my skin crawl. I'm now 22 and am just starting to remember the details. I suppressed the memory for years. And if it weren't for a friend confiding in me about her situation, I honestly don't even think I'd have remembered. Now I have nightmares (when I actually sleep- which is rare). The more I try to forget, the more details come back.
Two years later I went back to visit family (where I was born- not where I was molested by Mr.) and I remember there was a lot of drinking (I come from a long line of alcoholism). My brother and I were sleeping in the same room and I remember waking up to my cousin (who is 15 years older than me) forcing himself on me. When he was done all he said was "if you weren't so hot this wouldn't have happened"-I was 12). My brother never woke up. How could I have let this happen twice? What was wrong with me? I have now gone years without even remembering this happened. When my friend was telling me about her situation every moment played in my head and since then I have to been able to stop thinking about it. I still don't understand everything. There are holes.
I have tons of questions and am embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. So I thought I'd try this forum. I've deleted this next part numerous times because I'm not sure I actually want to confess it. But here goes nothing.
I am 22 and sex has always scared me. It has never been appealing to me except with older men (30-50s) Men in authoritative positions (my bosses/managers/teachers). For this reason, I have never had consensual sex. Something is wrong with me.
I am a very confident person, it has taken me time but I am finally comfortable with who I am as a person- including how I look. But any time someone my age is interested in me I always sabotage it. For some reason I only attract married men and there is always a piece of me that just wants to go for it. I feel like I only deserve dirtbags.
Is this normal considering wht happened to me? Or am I actually just a piece of shit? Because I am certain it's the latter.