I do not know what to do - Page 7
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Mental and Physical Health > Sexual Abuse


I do not know what to do

This is a discussion on I do not know what to do within the Sexual Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Hi rottenpizza - in your first posts I remember you gave a reason that was very important to you not ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-10-21, 02:57 PM   #61
Junior Member
 
NRebeccaS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 65
My Mood:
Default

Hi rottenpizza - in your first posts I remember you gave a reason that was very important to you not to try and stop him: it was because you were afraid you would make your mother unhappy.

Of course in the end you did the right thing by trusting her and giving her a chance to protect you as every mother wants to.

I just want to point out to you that when you think thoughts such as "I didn't put 100% of my strength into trying to stop him or yelling loud enough for help, I was very scared and acted like a coward."

... that there is another version of the story: "I didn't yell for help because I was concerned for my mother's happiness. I was very scared of what could happen to HER, and I acted like a hero."

You were almost going to sacrifice yourself for your mother. I don't know if you even realize how much pure love is in you.

And whatever this dirty, violent man did to hurt you, he did not take away that power from you. Be good to yourself.

Last edited by NRebeccaS; 04-10-21 at 03:02 PM.
NRebeccaS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-21, 12:58 AM   #62
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 69
Default

Thank you very much for the beautiful words.

My mom is the only person I have left, she is a great woman and she is a very strong person.

And yes, my reasons were always to protect my mother and sometimes I still have the feeling that it would have been better for her if I had kept quiet, she would be happy with the man she loves but after some time of reflection, I came to the conclusion that I did my best for mom to tell her. It is true, Daniel is a violent person and he only thinks about his own satisfaction, if I did not speak, it was very likely that my mother would also suffer because of Daniel's fault. What kind of boyfriend would do that to his girlfriend's son? Definitely none who cares about the happiness and well-being of his girlfriend

I am still quite deviant, the feeling that what happened was my fault haunts me, the disgust at seeing myself in the mirror remains and the sudden desire to hurt myself persists and more intense than ever but I think I am on a good path to recover and forget this some day, I just need my mind to accept it, I feel like I have no control over my own thoughts. Logically I know it was not my fault, I know I did the right thing, I know that hurting myself is not the right way to deal with my problems, I know but I don't understand it well enough to assimilate it. I don't know if I explain myself correctly.

Yes, he is violent and a freak but I can't help having weird feelings at times. Sometimes I feel hate, I feel angry and I would like to spit in his fucking face
How did he dare to do this to me?
Then I feel sorry, I think that he is so deviant and that he is a human being and deserves to be forgiven and the most recent is to miss him and feel affection for him, he always told me that he did that to me because he loved me, in those moments I feel like I owe him something. Right now I feel like I should forgive him. Do you think this is correct or am I confused?

I'm sorry I put so many things on you at the same time
(っ Д ;) っ but I reflected a lot these days and as you and Xerxes have accompanied and guided me from the beginning I felt that I should tell it.

You are a great person, I hope you do well in everything you do and plan for the future (same for Xerxes). You have no idea how much it helps me that you take the time to even read me, it means a lot.

Thanks

P.D: I had the opportunity to speak briefly with my psychologist today, I told him how I felt when I spoke with him, some of my thoughts, etc. He said that he did not feel sad in any way and that he believed that the best thing for me was to change the therapist, not only to a woman but to another type of therapist, a psychiatrist. I'm glad my psychologist wasn't offended or hurt :)
rottenpizza is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-21, 03:16 PM   #63
Junior Member
 
NRebeccaS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 65
My Mood:
Default

Hi rottenpizza, you're getting a new therapist! That is terrific news. I hope the process goes smoothly and that you really feel more at ease with the next therapist.

Your thoughts always astound me by the depth and reflection that is in them. You sound wise beyond your years. I am sure your mother is proud of you and all in all thankful and relieved that she could shield you when you needed her.

You write: "I know but I don't understand it well enough to assimilate it." That hits the nail on the head, it's exactly right. Your brain knows, but your body doesn't. (Remember what you described about hearing your uncle's voice? That was your body reacting.) Or your intellect knows, but your emotions don't. It's normal. It is by no means easy to live through, though I wish it could be for you.

You ask if we/I think you should forgive Daniel. That's a question only you can answer. I think it is between you and God. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not for the person who hurt us.

I once read something like: forgiveness is something we choose instead of anger. This didn't really apply to my personal experience. I can only say, twenty years later, that I WANT to come to forgiveness, but I am still in the middle of the process, I'm not there yet. And there is still pain and anger. The most important thing that I do is collect "tools" to deal with the pain and anger, so that they don't spill out of me and hurt my children, for example.

Therapy is a good place to learn tools. I really hope you get the professional help you need and that the moments where you feel the goodness of life are more numerous than the ones where you don't.

Just one more thought: self-harm is part of many people's stories. You are not crazy or bad because of doing that, but it is not the best strategy and you should look for a new one. It can help to find a substitute, and finding one that works and really helps you to relieve those bad feelings can take some time. Something that helps you express anger might be helpful - hurting a doll or stuffed animal, hitting a punching bag, hammering nails, running, yelling, tearing up paper into bits.

Thank you for your kind words, they are very comforting and enjoyable to read after a long day. Good night wherever you are :)
NRebeccaS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-21, 09:20 AM   #64
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 69
Default

Hello!

"You're getting a new therapist! That is terrific news. I hope the process goes smoothly and that you really feel more at ease with the next therapist": .Yes, it makes me a little nervous but I am excited to meet my new therapist.

"Your thoughts always astound me by the depth and reflection that is in them. You sound wise beyond your years. I am sure your mother is proud of you and all in all thankful and relieved that she could shield you when you needed her": Thank you! Yes, she was sad at first but she told me that she is relieved that I told her and the situation will not continue.

"You write: "I know but I don't understand it well enough to assimilate it." That hits the nail on the head, it's exactly right. Your brain knows, but your body doesn't. (Remember what you described about hearing your uncle's voice? That was your body reacting.) Or your intellect knows, but your emotions don't. It's normal. It is by no means easy to live through, though I wish it could be for you.": Yep, I'm amazed at the way your own mind can play with yourself. It is the same as what we were talking about about fear, I know that I am safe but my instincts dictate otherwise. Thanks, it's not easy, it's so maddening to feel scared all the time but with time it might get better.

"You ask if we/I think you should forgive Daniel. That's a question only you can answer. I think it is between you and God. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not for the person who hurt us." : If my extreme Christian education has taught me something, it is to forgive and love my enemies and I know that forgiving him is what Jesus would do but it is easier to say that than to do it. It's true, I think the most urgent thing now is to forgive myself, to accept that it was not my fault. I think I will need to forgive him at some point, if I spend my whole life hating someone I will never be able to be calm.

"I once read something like: forgiveness is something we choose instead of anger. This didn't really apply to my personal experience. I can only say, twenty years later, that I WANT to come to forgiveness, but I am still in the middle of the process, I'm not there yet. And there is still pain and anger. The most important thing that I do is collect "tools" to deal with the pain and anger, so that they don't spill out of me and hurt my children, for example." : I understand and I am sorry that you had to go through difficult things. Forgiveness is difficult and not being able to consummate it is frustrating but the important thing is to be on the road. I have not lived long and I do not know when to show mercy and when it is not necessary, I do not know the necessary limit of damage that a person must do to you to not be able to forgive him and of course my "tools" are not enough yet but I know that I will be able to put together the necessary to deal with this. You are doing a great job and I think you are an excellent mother, being stressed and in pain while trying to heal yourself and at the same time raise your children excellently ... God, my respects. What a great mother you are is reflected in that you are helping me, do not doubt yourself.

"Therapy is a good place to learn tools. I really hope you get the professional help you need and that the moments where you feel the goodness of life are more numerous than the ones where you don't.": If so, I promise to do my best in therapy! Thanks, I wish you the same.

"Just one more thought: self-harm is part of many people's stories. You are not crazy or bad because of doing that, but it is not the best strategy and you should look for a new one. It can help to find a substitute, and finding one that works and really helps you to relieve those bad feelings can take some time. Something that helps you express anger might be helpful - hurting a doll or stuffed animal, hitting a punching bag, hammering nails, running, yelling, tearing up paper into bits.": You're a witch? just minutes ago i was thinking i was crazy. The thing is, I was hurting myself when I started to think that no sane person would ever hurt themselves but it's nice to know that I'm not crazy. It will be difficult for me to leave this, it feels liberating but I understand that it is better to resort to other methods. That reminds me of Mr. Coffe, my therapist's teddy bear, he told me that Mr. Coffe allowed children to hit him, throw him or hug him so that the children feel better, I think that could work. Thanks for the advice, it was very necessary for me right now!
Thank you for your kind words, they are very comforting and enjoyable to read after a long day. Good night wherever you are :): It's nothing, I'm glad to make you feel better, you always make me feel better with your words, I hope your days become less stressful :) Good night too.

P.D: Some wounds on my wrists are deep, I already disinfected and cleaned them but I have doubts if I should bandage them, if you know the answer I would be very grateful if you shared it :)

P.D 2: Is my English understandable or should I check if it is well written twice?
rottenpizza is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-21, 06:27 AM   #65
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: You know that place between sleep and awake—that place where you still remember dreaming?
Posts: 762
Default

Do you have polysporin where you live? It's a medical ointment that can reduce the appearance of scars. In my case it didn't probably because I didn't apply enough of it or something. Then again I think I probably actually needed stitches and I did not seek medical treatment.

It will help you to have a medical doctor look at it if one hasn't already.

The marks on my arm are just over 13 years old and still visible.

I look at them as battle wounds. In a way they kind of are. I'm at peace with them.

Don't hurt yourself, but don't hate yourself for doing it either. Just focus on winning that battle.

Forgiveness can be a very useful tool for your own health. It definitely won't help you to hold onto any negative feelings about this event. It can be easier to say that than believe that, but I really do believe that to be true. I'm not a Christian myself but I think many Christians would agree with me. It's the ultimate victory when this sort of thing happens, to have survived an event, and to just shrug and say, "Look, what happened here, that's your damage," or as a Christian would say: "It's between you and God. You became my problem when you did what you did, but now you're not. You are in my past, and I will not give one such as you the satisfaction of tainting my present and future with hate."

I'm not suggesting you confront this person or say anything to them directly, though you may choose to in the future. What I actually mean is when you say something like that, you're mostly saying it to them in your own mind so you can heal.

You shouldn't think less of yourself if you have difficulty forgiving someone. I do think it's possible to move towards that but... yeah, the important thing is to believe in yourself. Many people have failed at lesser challenges, but you only truly fail if you stop trying.
daftone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-21, 12:52 AM   #66
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 69
Default

I have done some research and yes, there are polysporin here but it is almost impossible to get here in my country. I'm not sure if I'll ever try to find a doctor for my injuries, I don't want anyone to find out.

I am sorry that it did not work for you and I am even more sorry that you had to go through this but I am very happy that you have managed to look at your scars as something good.

What beautiful words, yes, I do not want to feel hatred against anyone and I want to forgive because I do not want to spend my whole life in perpetual emotional suffering. I don't think I will ever confront that person, I don't want to see him again.

I'm doing my best to heal and care for myself but it seems so difficult right now but I promise to do my best to win the battle.


Thanks for answering and I'm glad you healed :)
rottenpizza is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-22-21, 08:48 PM   #67
Experienced Member
 
Xerxes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,460
Default

It's good to hear that you've got a new therapist :) How has it been going? Hopefully you are finding the new therapist easier to talk to.
__________________
This isn't how it always was, but it's how it turned out
Xerxes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-21, 02:08 PM   #68
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: You know that place between sleep and awake—that place where you still remember dreaming?
Posts: 762
Default

Another thing I wanted to mention, because you asked: Your English is definitely understandable.

You don't seem to type much differently from how I typed when I was about 11, which could sound like an insult but it isn't. I tried pretty dang hard to sound smart when I was 11. Some would say I still try very hard to this day but the point is that English isn't my second language and the effort that you are putting in to be coherent clearly shows and has a positive effect on not just the clarity of your writing, but your intelligence as well. Keep learning and applying effort to skills like that and you will only get even smarter.
daftone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-21, 05:55 PM   #69
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 69
Default

Hey Xerxes!

Yup, I've changed my therapist. It is still a bit scary to me but since my new therapist is a woman it makes me a little less scary :)
rottenpizza is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-21, 05:58 PM   #70
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 69
Default

Hey daftone!

I am glad to know that my writing is understandable and no, it is not an insult at all it just means that I can be even better :) Thank you, I will do my best to improve my English
rottenpizza is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:01 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2