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I do not know what to do

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Old 03-26-21, 01:02 AM   #51
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Thanks good to hear, I hope all goes well
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Old 03-31-21, 11:07 PM   #52
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Default I think I'm going crazy

I can't stop hurting myself.

I will not give details but my arms and legs are full of marks.

Today I couldn't stop thinking about Daniel, it's like I'm missing him. My skin feels strange without bumps and marks, it's like I miss feeling the marks even if I don't, I know it's weird but I'm so desperate. I needed to feel it again.

I don't like to miss him
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Old 04-01-21, 02:34 AM   #53
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Oh mate, that's no good :/

Have you done anything like this before, or has it just started recently? This isn't a good thing to be doing to yourself - it's not something you need to feel guilty about but it is something you would be better off without.

We were recently talking about you having sessions with your psychologist, how has that been going? Do you think the anxiety surrounding that may have set you off? Or did you just start getting the urge to do this out of nowhere?

You're going to be okay, it takes time to heal from the things you've been through and I know it can be really tough at times, but things will get better for you eventually
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Old 04-04-21, 01:52 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rottenpizza View Post
Oh thanks for the words, they are lovely! I can say the same, you have advised me multiple times :).

Uh I don't think I fully understand "packaging" but I'll try to take it into account :), does it mean to stop worrying about others? I don't think that's sound nice :(

Yes, I also thought that I should think a little more about myself, I would avoid problems for mommy and she would feel happy. It is difficult for me, in school I have been taught that any decision you make for your own good is selfish, but I will try to ignore that.

I may try to change therapists but for the moment I will try to figure out how to defeat the feeling of being "exposed" with him.

It's true, it's his job but I was afraid that he would feel sad or angry for refusing to talk to him, I don't want him to feel that there is something wrong with him. But I think I'll tell him how I feel :)

Yep, it makes sense, I'll try to take better care of myself.

Thanks! the same for you :) hehe I'm not so young anymore, I'm 12, I'm an old man already (^^ゞ
Hi rottenpizza, didn't see that you answered here. Did you say 12? That's amazing. You write like someone with an intellectual gift of much later years.

The packaging was maybe not a very good picture. It's not a question of whether to worry about others or not, but rather in what order you do things.

Say you are going to help someone else to do some hard work in the garden. How can you make sure you give this person the best help? Probably you should get enough sleep the night before. You ought to eat breakfast so you have energy. And you should have the right clothes on for the weather outside and take gloves, a bottle of water and sunglasses. If you were to neglect all these things (which are for your needs), then you would be much less helpful to the other person.

Does that make more sense?
Quote:
Originally Posted by rottenpizza View Post
I can't stop hurting myself.

I will not give details but my arms and legs are full of marks.

Today I couldn't stop thinking about Daniel, it's like I'm missing him. My skin feels strange without bumps and marks, it's like I miss feeling the marks even if I don't, I know it's weird but I'm so desperate. I needed to feel it again.

I don't like to miss him
Those sound like really confusing and painful feelings to have, I am sorry you are going through this. You might not feel safe right now, but it can help to repeat to yourself a sentence like "I am here (in my room, in my home etc.). I am safe. I am breathing." Or whatever feels good to you and helps you calm down.

I also went through a pretty long phase of self-harm and it was not an easy thing to get out of. It is a learning process and you can teach your brain almost anything if you practice it often enough.

Stay strong and good luck.

Last edited by Legolas; 04-11-21 at 11:38 PM.
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Old 04-04-21, 05:05 PM   #55
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Hi Xerxes

Before I had done something similar when I tried to commit suicide a year ago but never with the current purpose or background.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be ashamed but I can't help it, I'm a dirty whore who misses Daniel's actions. I don't think I can feel good without doing this.

My psychologist is on vacation but I think I'll see him in a few weeks.

I'm not sure, I was under stress before but I never had the urge to do this.

Thanks for your words but I don't think I can improve anytime soon, I'm so tired.


I just want to rest.
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Old 04-04-21, 05:14 PM   #56
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Hey NRebeccaS

Yes, I am desperate and confused. I am safe from others but I cannot save myself from myself. I know my mother loves me but in some ridiculous way, it was the kind of love that Daniel gives me that made me feel wanted or that someone cared even for looking at me, it didn't matter if he looked at me the wrong way.
I know it sounds sick and dirty, I'm dirty. I don't deserve God's forgiveness.

I'll try to repeat that when I have the urge to hurt myself.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, I hope you feel good already :). Thank you. The best luck.
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Old 04-05-21, 03:50 PM   #57
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Hi rottenpizza.

"I'm dirty. I don't deserve God's forgiveness." Those are awful words to have in your head. I'm really sorry you are in that place right now. God can feel very far away when you have lived through such ugly things.

Your recovery has just begun. And the reflective words you say about your ambivalent feelings concerning Daniel show that your painful experience has made you wise and mature. Now the rest of you, the part that was hurt, has to catch up to the wisdom of your mind.

You know what makes sexual violence so much more difficult to heal from than physical violence? It's the double-edged pleasure of it. Of course many of us experienced pleasure at the time - it's exciting, it feels good to be looked at, to be touched, all of that is true. And then your brain plays the trick of making you think it was your fault because "you liked it".

I really hope you can one day soon see this trick for what it is and remember you are a lovable person who deserves to be safe.
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Old 04-05-21, 10:25 PM   #58
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Hello, I know my words were very harsh but I really feel that I deserve them. I am a horrible person for feeling good when someone does these kinds of disgusting things to me that is a sin in the eyes of God.

It's true, I feel so guilty, I know I shouldn't because I didn't ask him to do that to me but I didn't did anything to stop it. My problems are not a big deal compared to what other people had to go through, I'm just a crybaby.

It's so confusing, I don't want to see him again but my body feels so empty and desperate for attention and violence somehow.

Thank you for your words, it surprises me and makes me feel good that someone thinks well of someone dirty as me, your words distract me a little from myself :). Good luck.
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Old 04-06-21, 08:37 PM   #59
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Hey mate,

You are definitely not a horrible person for feeling good, it's just like NRebeccaS was saying; it's understandable that you might feel both pleasure and intense psychological pain. Just because you felt pleasure it doesn't mean the pain isn't real, it doesn't mean what he did is okay, and it doesn't mean that it's your fault. You didn't choose for this to happen, and you didn't choose to feel any of the feelings you had.

If you harmed someone else that would be wrong - but you didn't. The way you feel when someone hurts you doesn't determine whether or not you are a good person. And it doesn't matter that you didn't do anything to stop it; Daniel is a grown man, there's not much you could have done.

You said that:
Quote:
Originally Posted by rottenpizza View Post
I feel so guilty, I know I shouldn't because I didn't ask him to do that to me but I didn't did anything to stop it
Remember how we talked about people's minds not working properly in unusual situations? Here you know it's not you fault, but you feel guilty - this can happened to people sometimes; it's not your fault that there's this disparity between what you know and how you feel. The important thing to remember is that how you feel can change over time, and this feeling of being guilty and having this self loathing can go away eventually.

You are not a cry baby either. There are two important things to remember:
1) there is a vast spectrum of terrible situations people can find themselves in, and just because someone is experiencing something worse it doesn't make your situation okay. It can be true that someone is in a worse situation than you, and it can still be true that both situations are terrible and both people deserve to be heard and deserve to have help.
2) your situation is no small thing. There will always be people who are in a worse situation than you; but what you have been through is in fact worse than what will happen in many people's lives. You can still heal from it, and you can still go on to live a happy and fulfilling life, but it's still true that your pain and experiences are serious.

You are not dirty, you seem like a bright young individual who has been through much that you didn't deserve.
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Old 04-07-21, 01:21 AM   #60
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Thank you, yes, I can understand it, it is a reaction of my body, it is easy to hear that and to a certain extent to understand it but I am so stupid that I cannot forgive myself. As you say, I couldn't have done much against someone who is twice or three times as tall and heavy as me but I didn't put 100% of my strength into trying to stop him or yelling loud enough for help, I was very scared and acted like a coward. I just cried.

And yes, it hurt a lot, in my mind and in my body, but for moments, the pleasure alleviated the physical pain and that is so embarrassing to even remember or write it, it is as if I deserved it.

I hope it's true and these feelings pass soon because right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up and even that is embarrassing.

Okay, I think you're right, my situation does have a certain grade of importance.

Thank you for your words, you are a good person, I like talking to you :)
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