I'm really drunk now so please excuse me for spelling, sentence structure and punctuation.
I guess i had to come here because things have come to impasse in my life. The things im gonna talk about I have never told anyone. It's so hard because i don't know where to begin or how to tell my story it seems. I feel like i wear a mask everyday, and if i take it off it will kill me. I guess it started when i was a kid like 5,6,7 i can't remember it exactly clearly but i have flashbacks of being sexually abused by my grandfather and in great detail. I'm not sure about everyone else that has had that happen but it didn't really affect me until i was mid teens when i started reading newspapers and i read headlines" vile pedophile" and such. It started hitting home then. And i guess i put on a facade but really i withdrew into myself, I lied to everyone and tried not to let anyone in. The more news headlines i read the more isolated and disgusted i felt in myself, I still feel this way. I also grew up really poor but got a scholarship to a school to where all the kids had rich parents so i didn't want them to see how i Lived at that time. My family has always been dysfunctional i guess and none of them speak really. I guess i just always felt alone but stuck with my facade. I deal with things by letting people in but when i think they are getting too close i push them away. I don't really have many true friends except for one from high school. His sister was raped by his dad so i guess we had a lot of common ground I still talk to him but i try to keep it at a minimum, I can't handle the fact of people knowing too much about my shitty life. I guess i have self harmed my entire adult life whether it be drugs, alchohol, or actually pyshically harming myself. I feel like noone will understand those brief few seconds of self harm, those seconds feel like an eternity to me. I have nightmares most nights, and i really can't get to sleep unless i drink or take sleeping tablets. Even then it's no gaurantee. I find it hard to be mates with guys, I'm not gay i jsut feel distrustful. I had a girl who i was friends with in school and even though i never told her any of this she always just made me feel that everything would be ok . We had some moments but but i think she decided i wasn't worth it at that time. I lost my virginity to her, she was my first kiss my first everything, she was also the first ever friend i let come to my shitty house since i was 13 or so. She was in trouble one night and i couldn't let her down so brought her back and took care of her, she left me after that and went with her old boyfriend. I guess she was my best friend and i opened up so much but she left me. What makes things worse is her and her friends made fun of me about where i lived, the cheap as fuck ring i gave her because thats all i could afford at the time. skip forward some years i tried to contact her because i guess i never forgot her but instead of talking to me her friends hacked into my computer by sending me photos of her with a virus attached, I read about them makeing fun about me as i found it on an internet forum( google these days can find anything=( ) I went to see her but she just treated me like shit but then kept monitoring my computer. I read so many insults from where i lived and personal stuff that i never told anyone. I thought maybe she cared about me but she just let her friends back on my computer it's like i used to have somewhere to be me or pretend to be someone else. But i dont have that anymore. I tried to talk to people about the hacking but they all refuse to beleive people would be so cruel and instead think im crazy i absolutely have no one. I got drunk recently and told my mother what my grandfather did, i guess i wanted to see what happened. Instead they put it down to me being crazy or being on drugs. I have a measured IQ of 155-160 I havent fucked my head with drugs or drink ...yet anyway. I don't understand it, everyday things people take for granted i can't do but if i study for an hour i can pass tests people take months to do. I never study until the day before mostly because i know i don't have too and im preoccupied with my thoughts. They teased me about being gay and stuff an although i dont care about what people are, Im not gay and it affects me deeply and makes me think about the past and maybe how i look i am to blame or how i looked as a kid. When i was younger i was confused and hated gay people but my hairdresser was gay and i realized that they are not bad people and definitely not pedophiles. Maybe this is a man thing. I'm not sure it just makes me feel weak even though i was a kid i look for things i could have done to stop that. I guess i have been suicidal and depressed since i was a kid but I've grown so used to wearing my mask it's almost like second nature. Most people are scared of me im 6 foot one and in the past i guess i have been very violent towards people who have hurt me. I'm not at all proud of it, probably the reverse i hate myself for it. I push people away because i feel worthless and i don't want people knowing too much so that they can hurt me, I'm scared about what i will do. I feel like im stunned, people hurt me but it's like i dont feel it for days sometimes weeks sometimes months it can be even years it's like i keep it somewhere in my mind and tell myself i will get them back for it one day. Most times i do. I think this girl only loves me but im not sure if this is a game or not anymore to her. I dont know what it is ad i hate msyelf for it but when im with her or i see her smile it's like everything else disappears, and even if it means her hacking into my computer and making a private network it's "something". I guess im just that sad, pathetic and worthless that im willing to have someone treat me like that. I'm not sure. The things from my childhood really affect my sex life to be honest i have never had sex unless i was on drugs and out of my head. She is pretty much the only one i have ever let my guard down for so i guess that makes all this so much worse... she is the only person i could bare touching me. I'm afraid and i hate when people touch me it makes me feel uncomfortable and sick in my stomach. I don't like public places and find it hard to be in a place where there are more than a few people i feel like everyone is laughing at me or that they know things like what i speak about here when they shouldn't. To be honest i really don't know what to do anymore and this is the first time i have actually spoke about it even though it's in very little detail. I'm tired of people making fun of me. Even my brother who is older always calls me when he is in trouble because no one wants to mess with his "psycho " younger brother. I'm not a psycho, i guess i feel no problem hurting people as i feel i have hurt more. I'm not proud of that or what i have done in the past but with all this frustration and bullying i feel like hurting people who think it's funny to hurt others. I really want to hurt this girls friends who took my private life and made a joke of it, I'm scared because with them i think i will have no limits. My brother and his friends make fun of me so do my old friends because they don't believe the hacking so they make me out to be crazy. I have proof she did it photo's that she left on a hidden network that i should never have, but i can't bring myself to show them to them to prove im not. I dunno anymore , i dont want to hurt her like that even though she hurt me. Because of this too people don't believe me about the sexual abuse. I don't really care anymore i accept the fact that I'm a loser and I'm probably to blame for the way i have handled things in my lifetime. I'm sorry for ranting i should probably just stop here. I just feel like i don't know what to do anymore to make it untill tomorrow. Sorry about spelling and such i see the redlines i just don't care to fix them anymore. Sorry if this post ruined anyones day i didn't mean to trigger or upset anyone.