It's 1 am and I really have no idea what I'm doing here. I found this site after googling the answer to why I feel nauseous after sexual activities. I feel like I need to just say something, somewhere, about what's happening to me.
I guess I'll start with saying I have very very bad intimacy/sex issues. My first boyfriend, whom I was with for roughly 2 years, was the first person I ever did anything sexual with. We never had sex, but did other things. From the beginning, during these activities or afterwards I would feel an overwhelming sense of shame and I would start shaking, feel physically sick and begin crying uncontrollably. He was very understanding but couldn't help thinking it was his fault. Oftentimes I could not stand to be touched at all, and this upset him as well since he could not comfort me. As the relationship went on we learned to control and predict these outbursts and lessen their severity.
Last summer, he and I broke up under unfortunate circumstances. Since then, I have had several sexual flings with older men online, with boys in my town, and each time it was as if I wanted the sexual activities to happen, but each time they happened I would have that sense of crippling guilt and shame and I would cry. It was very embarrassing. It was if I purposefully sought it out in the hopes that it would either magically be cured or I would feel the shame I deserved. I feel broken.
I have a boyfriend now, one I am not particularly close with. I lost my virginity to him. However, sex hurts very badly and I still have these episodes of guilt and crying with him as well. I even talked to my doctor about the problem and tried lube and all sorts of things, nothing helps. It hurts to the point of screaming.
Everyone I've spoken with on the issue, and the men I've been with have asked me if I was sexually abused in my childhood. People I hardly know have commented on my "jumpy" and apprehensive nature, and how I flinch whenever anybody makes a sudden movement. However, I don't remember being abused. I don't know if what I remember was even real or if it counts or what it could even be.
All I can remember, literally all, is when I was in kindergarten I lived in an apartment with my mom next to a girl my age and we were best friends. She was a troublemaker. I remember one time we were in my moms makeup in the bathroom when we weren't supposed to be and she found my moms tampons. She I locked the door and made me lie on the floor and take my pants off and then asked me if I knew what the tampon was for. Being little, I did not know. She tried to shove it into my vagina and it hurt.
Another time, I remember, at the same school and time period, being babysat by a woman who picked me up after school and she had a son my age. We were also friends. I remember one incident, and this sounds weird, but we were in his room and I was laying on the floor with my pants and panties off, and he was using little toy cars and things to play with me. I remember that this was a thing we did more than once, and both knew it was not allowed. I don't remember feeling upset about it at the time. Is this abuse? I feel like maybe I have blocked some things out? Is it possible to be abused by other children, and if so, why would it affect me as an adult? Growing up, sex was never ever talked about in my family. When I started puberty and my period I never went to my mom I just dealt with it myself, it was very confusing. When I discovered masturbation, I didn't know that it was normal and I felt plagued by a sense of horribleness every single day, like I was a freak that should die. When I became about 16 and learned it was VERY normal, I was so relieved. What's wrong with me? Why am I so emotionally troubled by sex? Looking for something to make me feel I'm not crazy or broken.