I'm fairly certain I was sexually abused as a child - but it's so mixed up in my head. I first thought it about 4 years ago, I watched a film about abuse and something stirred in me and made me feel very raw and nauseous.
I was very sexually aware from a very young age; I used to 'play doctor' and even kiss my neighbour (also female) with open mouths at around age 4. (I've never told anybody this before as it makes me feel sick). My trust and sexual issues have always been all over the place, plus I have all of the 'symptoms' of having repressed memories of sexual abuse, the list literally reads like a description of me. Low confidence/self-esteem, inability to trust, sexual dysfunction etc. I started binge-eating at age 5(ish), have extreme control of my emotion, memory blanks and an aversion to make noise.
I know that all of these things could have other explanations but there's more.
I've suffered from nightmares since childhood and have, in more recent years, had episodes of psychosis (whilst being drunk) where I've suddenly started screaming at the man in my company (date, friend, boyfriend) to 'get away' or 'get off' or just started screaming for help. I even screamed at my *then* boyfriend, 'get off me I have a boyfriend'
As well as this, when I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend, my hymen had already been broken. I know this can happen in lots of other ways, so I didn't really read too much into it at the time but now I'm really wondering.
The final thing that makes me think this may have happened to me is I've always had this tiny recurring memory/dream of being peed on in a shower. (I know - disgusting). As far as I can remember I've disliked getting showers and take baths instead when I can. I also can't handle having my breasts touched, it makes me feel physically sick.
More recently, my current boyfriend has told me when I've been drunk I've cried about the abuse (on numerous occasions) but I have little memory of doing that - and I've had disgusting and disturbing nightmares about abuse for the past 18 months or so.
I had a feeling for a while it may have been my uncle so I have stayed away from him, but now I'm so in my head I'm questioning whether I'm forcing to put a face to it and I've just confused myself so much I don't know what's real and what isn't. Aaaaghhh.