Since I was 11 I was abuse by a man who is a 'family friend' I am now 16 and I see mental health counsellors and various guidance teachers and psychologists. It's really messed me up mentally.
It started off he made himself someone I could trust. He is academic and really helpful so he always helped with my homework, social problems I had. I am OCD so he helped me working through that. He listened to music with me, read to me, spoke with me about religion, life, careers. EVERYTHING im interested in at some point we spoke about. This is where people will be disgusted with me but he is a lot older than me. I grew up with him in my life and so it was always normal for me. he spoke to me about boys I liked and things. I suppose over the years I developed a crush on him. not a crazy one. mild. a cross between admiration and wishing I could always be with him. NOT sexual feelings for him! 4 years we were like that. then about a year ago, he turned nasty. He would be really horrible to me and then would 'punish' me. He said I had been a 'bad girl' and then wouldn't speak to me for sometimes days, sometimes weeks. He told me I was disgusting and that I was a slut... any name under the sun, I have been called it by him. I was totally confused, couldn't understand why this would happen. I couldn't tell my folks because I believed that I was the problem. That I had let him down and that I was indeed disgusting, a let down.
This went on for about a year getting worse and worse. Until It turned sexual. Because I am OCD, I have a thing about being in control. I like to be in control of my own hygiene and various different things. He would sexually abuse me, most of the time he was doing it he would be fine well HE was happy... but afterwards he would cry, he would apologise during and after the abuse. He told me I had to 'learn' he had to 'teach me' He would say things like "It's over... Im so sorry... But it's over." I would cry and he would hold me while I cried... I cried mostly because of the pain if im honest...!!! He sometimes ordered me to hit him or scratch him, while he abused me. sometimes he would do that to me. And afterwards it because an unspoken rule that I would NEVER EVER speak about what we did. It was like in the moment, it was happening. But afterwards we had to play a game where we pretended as if it never happened and that everything was back to normal. It got to the point where he told me he loved me and that by 'punishing' me he was teaching me. He told me that he loved me that much he didn't mind punishing me and that he did it FOR ME. For my own good. He had always had certain names for me. He called me 'Sweetie'... 'Princess'... 'Darling'... one day I said "You have all these names for me but I have none for you. They make me feel special but I have nothing to make you special. What would you like me to call you."...
He asked that I call him daddy.
He then went on in the same conversation and in conversations afterwards to tell me he wanted to take pictures of me. He specified pictures he wanted to take and what I would be doing in them. He told me stories of what he wanted to do to me. and more importantly what he had done and fantasised about doing to other children. He asked that I would take pictures FOR HIM too. He told me that I MUST think of what we could do together as 'learning' and me taking pictures of others would be me 'teaching' them.
I MUST STRESS I NEVER TOOK PICTURES OF ANYONE!!! I had a mental breakdown and attempted suicide 4 times in 2 days...
The truth came out after the attempted suicide around about 8 months ago. My parents know although they refuse to accept it as truth.
The sticking point for me is, no matter how much counselling I have... I can't forget these things... I dream about them... I think about them everyday... like a tick in my mind, like the second hand on a clock its always there ticking away... I can never escape what was done. I can see only one way out. The weight of the guilt and shame of what went on is like the weight of a thousand horses upon me. I carry it every day and slowly it is finishing me. im broken and I have no idea how to be whole again. I have no idea how to move on. how to be whole and happy and new again.
Please help me, give me advice, or your own point of view because right now I have NOBODY... please just let me know what you think.