Abuse in the past, ruining my future.
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Abuse in the past, ruining my future.

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Old 03-24-12, 09:57 PM   #1
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Default Abuse in the past, ruining my future.

Since I was 11 I was abuse by a man who is a 'family friend' I am now 16 and I see mental health counsellors and various guidance teachers and psychologists. It's really messed me up mentally.

It started off he made himself someone I could trust. He is academic and really helpful so he always helped with my homework, social problems I had. I am OCD so he helped me working through that. He listened to music with me, read to me, spoke with me about religion, life, careers. EVERYTHING im interested in at some point we spoke about. This is where people will be disgusted with me but he is a lot older than me. I grew up with him in my life and so it was always normal for me. he spoke to me about boys I liked and things. I suppose over the years I developed a crush on him. not a crazy one. mild. a cross between admiration and wishing I could always be with him. NOT sexual feelings for him! 4 years we were like that. then about a year ago, he turned nasty. He would be really horrible to me and then would 'punish' me. He said I had been a 'bad girl' and then wouldn't speak to me for sometimes days, sometimes weeks. He told me I was disgusting and that I was a slut... any name under the sun, I have been called it by him. I was totally confused, couldn't understand why this would happen. I couldn't tell my folks because I believed that I was the problem. That I had let him down and that I was indeed disgusting, a let down.
This went on for about a year getting worse and worse. Until It turned sexual. Because I am OCD, I have a thing about being in control. I like to be in control of my own hygiene and various different things. He would sexually abuse me, most of the time he was doing it he would be fine well HE was happy... but afterwards he would cry, he would apologise during and after the abuse. He told me I had to 'learn' he had to 'teach me' He would say things like "It's over... Im so sorry... But it's over." I would cry and he would hold me while I cried... I cried mostly because of the pain if im honest...!!! He sometimes ordered me to hit him or scratch him, while he abused me. sometimes he would do that to me. And afterwards it because an unspoken rule that I would NEVER EVER speak about what we did. It was like in the moment, it was happening. But afterwards we had to play a game where we pretended as if it never happened and that everything was back to normal. It got to the point where he told me he loved me and that by 'punishing' me he was teaching me. He told me that he loved me that much he didn't mind punishing me and that he did it FOR ME. For my own good. He had always had certain names for me. He called me 'Sweetie'... 'Princess'... 'Darling'... one day I said "You have all these names for me but I have none for you. They make me feel special but I have nothing to make you special. What would you like me to call you."...

He asked that I call him daddy.

He then went on in the same conversation and in conversations afterwards to tell me he wanted to take pictures of me. He specified pictures he wanted to take and what I would be doing in them. He told me stories of what he wanted to do to me. and more importantly what he had done and fantasised about doing to other children. He asked that I would take pictures FOR HIM too. He told me that I MUST think of what we could do together as 'learning' and me taking pictures of others would be me 'teaching' them.

I MUST STRESS I NEVER TOOK PICTURES OF ANYONE!!! I had a mental breakdown and attempted suicide 4 times in 2 days...

The truth came out after the attempted suicide around about 8 months ago. My parents know although they refuse to accept it as truth.

The sticking point for me is, no matter how much counselling I have... I can't forget these things... I dream about them... I think about them everyday... like a tick in my mind, like the second hand on a clock its always there ticking away... I can never escape what was done. I can see only one way out. The weight of the guilt and shame of what went on is like the weight of a thousand horses upon me. I carry it every day and slowly it is finishing me. im broken and I have no idea how to be whole again. I have no idea how to move on. how to be whole and happy and new again.

Please help me, give me advice, or your own point of view because right now I have NOBODY... please just let me know what you think.

thank you,
lostcause16 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-12, 04:33 AM   #2
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All I wanna do is hold you I understand how you feel, I can't tell you it will get better the flashbacks may never go away but they'll became less frequent in time as a survival instinc you'll learn to be on control of yourself again. It will never go away but you'll stop it from being the thing that defines you and even give you a chance to feel as normal as you can. When someone you trust blindly brakes you in a way that who you could have been died you join the club of the "sad forever" but even in that club there are moments of true joy, people who'll make you shine and a kind of wisdom rarely ever found in the people that have it easy
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Old 04-05-12, 10:26 PM   #3
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Lost Cause,

You are not a lost cause by any means. What you have explained is not uncommon sadly and has been happening since the dawn. To me Easter is bunny rabbits, chocolate, and Jesus. Easter was named after Estar...a ancient Greek thing where the top academic greeks would take children and abuse them. The reality is, this does not make you a lost cause nor does this make you damaged goods. Sure you will have some trust issues and things to work through and I am sorry that you Father and mother do not believe you. My daughter is young and only 19 months old. If infact someone were to abuse her, he would be death with by me in the worst possible way, worse than anything I had done in the Gulf War in the middle east.

I can relate to you because I look at my wife and see the scars on her arms from when she used to cut. She was an a similar situation and it screwed her up for a long time. She was on effexor and therapists and then we met. The meds and all that ended and she became to understand it was not her fault and she was manipulated. I told her when we met that I would deal with him if we ever ran into him. A few months ago she points him out to me in an applebees resteraunt. I sat down next to him and explained her had very little options at this juncture. I brought her over and he sat there shaking in fear as his friends moved away from him at the bar. He was terrified of me, even more so as I explained very calmly the reason I am here and what the end result will be. He cried and shook and apologized. I looked at my wife and asked her what she wanted done...it was up to her. To me, he was worthless and it mattered very little how this went. Because we were married, new baby...she said to let it go with the apology and not take him outside and beat him to near death. As I got up I explained to everyone in that place what he had done and who we was..it was something I will never forger, but I kept my word. You however have a great life to live yet and you MUST NOT let this screw with your self esteem, that is the worst thing you can do. Stay strong and know that you are better than all of this and this is a PAGE in a very very LONG life to come...it does not define you
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen

Last edited by Sitrus; 04-08-12 at 02:26 PM.
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Old 04-12-12, 08:21 PM   #4
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LostCause - Things will get better now that the abuse has stopped. I was in a similar situation at 14 to 18, when I finally got away from him. My parents actually sold me to the guy in my case, so they were completely against me getting help. My advice is to do what you need to do to help yourself, vent on webboards if that works, scream if that makes you feel better, long walks, emotive music, be with animals, make crafts, JUST BE YOU

Abomino - Thank you for standing by a wonderful woman. Most men see so called emotional baggage and run a mile. Your example gives me faith in people
lozey is offline   Reply With Quote

abuse, depression, guilt, punishment, self loathing

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