Terrified I'm slipping again
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Terrified I'm slipping again

This is a discussion on Terrified I'm slipping again within the Self-Harm forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Through what I can only attribute to damn good antidepressants (Effexor if you're curious) I've had a solid 2 years ...

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Old 03-06-17, 05:52 AM   #1
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Through what I can only attribute to damn good antidepressants (Effexor if you're curious) I've had a solid 2 years of normality, and 2 years since I last self harmed. The scars are still there and I see them every day so its not like I've shoved those memories to the back of my mind, I still remembered the overwhelming despair that would grip me when I turned to self harm, but I haven't felt the darkness that came with it and I've been able to deal with life like a "normal" person so it felt like self harm was in the past for me.

Tonight I had a minor stupid inconsequential fight with my fiance, and I could feel my mood getting dark so I thought I could do with some time out but as I walked out of the room I caught sight of something I used to use to self harm, I'm not gonna say what it was because of forum rules but I'll just say that I see and use this item for its intended purpose all the time without giving it a second thought, yet tonight I saw it and thought I just need that little release and I'll feel better, just that bit of physical pain to break the mental pain. As it is I'm sitting here digging my nails into my palm because I'm terrified that I'm slipping down that dark hole again. I know people will say, "but you recognised what was happening and stopped before you did anything" but my depression seems to have been stealthily sneaking back on me the last few months and has recently decided to make its presence loud and known so I don't know how much longer self harm will just be a thought that scares me. It feels like if I relapse thats the circle complete and I'm right back at the beginning and I genuinely can not handle the thought that I might have to go back through the absolute living hell that I by some miracle made it through, I don't think I'd make it through again.
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Old 04-12-17, 07:15 PM   #2
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Hello, I read both your posts, I have struggled with this my whole life as well, every day is a uphill climb and it gets so bad sometimes it's hard to breathe, and when you get a break it makes that realization that you are slipping back into it and can't to a damn thing to stop it is like being dragged away and trying to grab onto dirt to stop yourself, but unfortunately, despite how bad we want to give up, anything to get away from being forced back into that nightmare that it can be... But no matter how bad it hurts now, you have people who will support you and want you to keep going and fight on even though other people can't fathom the troubles. You will make it through, and some day, you can even be happy for a long time, but you'll never know if you give in now
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Old 05-04-17, 04:26 AM   #3
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It was such a long hard fight I don't know if I can do it again, I'm in another downswing and all I can think is what kind of life am I going to have if this is hiding behind every corner ready to drag me back down, it took so much struggle, pain, suffering to get the few years of peace that I've had, and even those have been plagued with chronic illness, I just got a respite from the depression. I just can't fathom having to spend another 15 years trying to get leveled out for it to only last a few years before I'm back at square one again.
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