Through what I can only attribute to damn good antidepressants (Effexor if you're curious) I've had a solid 2 years of normality, and 2 years since I last self harmed. The scars are still there and I see them every day so its not like I've shoved those memories to the back of my mind, I still remembered the overwhelming despair that would grip me when I turned to self harm, but I haven't felt the darkness that came with it and I've been able to deal with life like a "normal" person so it felt like self harm was in the past for me.
Tonight I had a minor stupid inconsequential fight with my fiance, and I could feel my mood getting dark so I thought I could do with some time out but as I walked out of the room I caught sight of something I used to use to self harm, I'm not gonna say what it was because of forum rules but I'll just say that I see and use this item for its intended purpose all the time without giving it a second thought, yet tonight I saw it and thought I just need that little release and I'll feel better, just that bit of physical pain to break the mental pain. As it is I'm sitting here digging my nails into my palm because I'm terrified that I'm slipping down that dark hole again. I know people will say, "but you recognised what was happening and stopped before you did anything" but my depression seems to have been stealthily sneaking back on me the last few months and has recently decided to make its presence loud and known so I don't know how much longer self harm will just be a thought that scares me. It feels like if I relapse thats the circle complete and I'm right back at the beginning and I genuinely can not handle the thought that I might have to go back through the absolute living hell that I by some miracle made it through, I don't think I'd make it through again.