When I was younger, I unfortunately had a friend that was what seemed like "pro-self harm". She did it, she never told me to do it, but she would tell me about it and all these things that are sort of stereotypical to self harmers. So I had a lot of unnecessary exposure to it in the most inappropriate way, and I wish I wasn't exposed to such an awful concept this way, but you can't really change the past, can you?
So when I started doing it, I never had a problem with it. I never felt ashamed of myself. Of course I tried my hardest hide it and have been mostly successful (people have only pointed out scars on four different occasions). I never wanted people to see me as I really was. I feel like a lot of people have high expectations of me, so I thought it would be a shame if they found out what I did to myself. However, I like my scars. For some reason, they comfort me, but at the same time they trigger me.
Anyways, I had to get a physical a couple weeks ago, and the doctor noticed my scars on my arm and I told her they were old (I had been sticking to my thigh because I knew I'd have to expose my arm. I'd need to let it heal a bit). Thankfully my mom was out of the room.
But ever since then I feel uncomfortable with my scars and I don't know why. When I do it, it's not just my usual ritual of doing it, dabbing the blood and going back to bed (which I used to do without even thinking about it, really) I would actually feel this tug in my gut and I'd feel guilty about it. It was the first time in the year that I've been doing it that I've actually felt any personal guilt about it.
I've never felt guilty about self harming but after being caught by the doctor I do and it's really confusing to me and I'd like some insight on what's happening to me?