Well, here it goes:
Ever since I was a little girl, for some stupid reason I've felt different, I was bullied by my fellow classmates, the thing is that I always thought that whenever I told a grown-up they told me that the reason they did it was because they were jealous and I believed it. I watched those teenage movies were they put the nerdy girl as the good girl and felt identified. In my mind, the reason people came to bully me was because I had some hidden potential, because I was better than them somehow. I always believed that, started to daydream about leaving my home country to go to New York, London, Paris. But now I am twenty and my life is going upside down.
I only have one real friend but she and I have an expiration date
I am ugly (not kidding face full of acne and a size 20)
I have no talents
I have a nasty habit of crying for attention
And I have a depression that is slowly eating my insides.
The thing is, I am stuck.
I am hating everything, the thing I loved the most was studying and I can't do it because every time I get up to go to class I start crying. What's the point of going to class if I don't have enough talent as a student to get a good grade? What's the point of affording a University when I don't have enough talent on my field to be a professional. What is the point of doing anything when I wont get where I want to be.
The thing is that I deserve it.
I spent most of my life daydreaming that life is something more.
I wanted to become someone who everybody could look up too, but people don't look up to talent-less freaks.
Since my "friends" are used to me being so dramatic about my feelings they just dismiss them as one of my "things".
I've done a lot to stop feeling this way, I've been in therapy, I've re-decorated my bedroom, I've tried to befriend some people. But I just can't stop hating myself. And the worst part is that I am slowly losing whatever tiny thing that made me a good person is leaving.
I get angry a lot, every time I go grocery shopping and there is a line I lose control. Every time I enter my room and see how messy it is I get angry because I am so lazy and useless that I can't clean my room. Every time I call someone and they don't answer it's like a reminder of how lonely I am. I can't even stand my own family. I hate them and I am tired.
I wanna cut, there is no single day that I don't think about it. I've done it and it feels so good and bad at the same time, but I know I shouldn't do it. I've stopped now and it's been a month and a half and I feel frustrated because I don't even cut that hard to bear marks, most of my scars leave in a week or two. I have one scar and that's it. It's so frustrating. I want to see the blood and leave so many scars. But I know it's wrong. I know that if I do it I am just making the pain so much stronger. But I think depression is all I know, that's why I was bullied, that's why I don't have that much friends. That's why I hate everything.
How do I stop?