How do I stop?
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How do I stop?

This is a discussion on How do I stop? within the Self-Harm forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Well, here it goes: Ever since I was a little girl, for some stupid reason I've felt different, I was ...

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Old 07-16-13, 10:58 PM   #1
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Default How do I stop?

Well, here it goes:

Ever since I was a little girl, for some stupid reason I've felt different, I was bullied by my fellow classmates, the thing is that I always thought that whenever I told a grown-up they told me that the reason they did it was because they were jealous and I believed it. I watched those teenage movies were they put the nerdy girl as the good girl and felt identified. In my mind, the reason people came to bully me was because I had some hidden potential, because I was better than them somehow. I always believed that, started to daydream about leaving my home country to go to New York, London, Paris. But now I am twenty and my life is going upside down.

I only have one real friend but she and I have an expiration date
I am ugly (not kidding face full of acne and a size 20)
I have no talents
I have a nasty habit of crying for attention
And I have a depression that is slowly eating my insides.

The thing is, I am stuck.
I am hating everything, the thing I loved the most was studying and I can't do it because every time I get up to go to class I start crying. What's the point of going to class if I don't have enough talent as a student to get a good grade? What's the point of affording a University when I don't have enough talent on my field to be a professional. What is the point of doing anything when I wont get where I want to be.

The thing is that I deserve it.
I spent most of my life daydreaming that life is something more.
I wanted to become someone who everybody could look up too, but people don't look up to talent-less freaks.

Since my "friends" are used to me being so dramatic about my feelings they just dismiss them as one of my "things".

I've done a lot to stop feeling this way, I've been in therapy, I've re-decorated my bedroom, I've tried to befriend some people. But I just can't stop hating myself. And the worst part is that I am slowly losing whatever tiny thing that made me a good person is leaving.

I get angry a lot, every time I go grocery shopping and there is a line I lose control. Every time I enter my room and see how messy it is I get angry because I am so lazy and useless that I can't clean my room. Every time I call someone and they don't answer it's like a reminder of how lonely I am. I can't even stand my own family. I hate them and I am tired.

I wanna cut, there is no single day that I don't think about it. I've done it and it feels so good and bad at the same time, but I know I shouldn't do it. I've stopped now and it's been a month and a half and I feel frustrated because I don't even cut that hard to bear marks, most of my scars leave in a week or two. I have one scar and that's it. It's so frustrating. I want to see the blood and leave so many scars. But I know it's wrong. I know that if I do it I am just making the pain so much stronger. But I think depression is all I know, that's why I was bullied, that's why I don't have that much friends. That's why I hate everything.

How do I stop?
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Old 07-17-13, 12:00 AM   #2
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Hi Litzy and welcome to TTL. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, and that you think so low of yourself. For some of us, it's just hard to find our place in the world... I've felt like this my whole life. I went for many many years thinking that I was a loser, ugly, fat...which is why I had no friends and that I am not meant to succeed in life. I've been where you are. But there is a way out.

The key thing for you seems to be your self-hate. It's crucial for you to learn to love yourself, or else you will keep on with this downward spiral. And I know how consuming it is...I know how hard it is to get up in the morning and to want to do anything when you are feeling like that. But you can overcome it.

You need to try and work on how you perceive things (including yourself); tell yourself that you can do the things that you want to do; that you can make a change in your life. But it also sounds like you need the motivation to do so... you have gotten to the point where you have seemingly given up. You need to try and pick yourself up and look forward to creating a 'new' you..well, it will be the same you, only you will focus on bringing out your good qualities instead of just focusing on your bad ones. And yes, you do have good qualities! Once you shift your world view (yes, your view on the world, those around you and on yourself) you will stop being so angry and you will enjoy things once again.

Has your counselling focused at all on developing some good coping skills? I think this is what would ultimately help you.

As for the cutting, congrats on not doing it for a month and a half. I used to cut myself all the time too and haven't done it in a year. What I've found is that I need something to distract me...something that will consume my attention and channel my thoughts out so much that it alleviates the "need" to cut. You need to find some way of expressing yourself or to channel the feelings out. For me, it's drawing. I draw of death and depressing pictures but it helps immensely. It make the urges to cut go away. Also writing in a journal and writing poetry helps me too. Do you think that there's anything like this that you could do?
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Old 07-18-13, 02:54 AM   #3
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Hi, I'm like you in a way. I was bullied and I have never forgiven anyone because they havent talked to me anyway. I'm a size 16-18 and think I'm ugly. Your not ugly, just ugly in terms of stupid society, like me. But you know, any thing you used to cause pain to yourself is self harm. Scars are not even great. I have to cover up my right arm all the time because I wanted to bleed and it left marks. I'm proud of you for not cutting in a month. I havent cut for two weeks now. Stopping takes a bit of willpower and maybe some support. Trying alternatives to cutting also help. I got told a great way to hurt yourself without cutting is elastic bands. When you feel like cutting, snap it against your skin and it may leave a slight mark. It's better than slicing up skin. Bleeding is not good. I wanted to and I paid for it. When I was depressed, I got a piercing to feel pain, and it made me feel pretty at the same time. Another way is ice cubes, but don't leave them on the skin for too long.

But these are only temporary measures and you should really think about other things. Usually hobbies and things to help take your mind completely off self harm. Maybe some outside activities to promote happiness. Maybe even trying to improve your self image. Go to a councillor and maybe discuss issues.

Good luck :)
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