I self harm in certain areas so people can't see it. I rarely bruise since I've done it a lot over the years. Back when I was a teenager, I tried to stop self harming. I just stopped caring about the potential consequences during the last 6 years...
It's not something I do to "feel" something or because I feel I deserve to suffer. It's hard to explain, some stimuli or situations overwhelm me and hurting myself helps cope with them when I can no longer handle them. I'd rather not get into the specific situations... That would trigger some old horrible thoughts and I'm ashamed of it anyway.
I did it twice today. I've got a big bruise but people probably won't notice, at least i hope they won't. It hurts a bit but it should be fine soon enough. Nothing that'll leave a mark for long. Hadn't really ever done that but I kinda did it impulsively anyway.
I always feel so pathetic afterwards. It's just one of many ways I am a freak. I hate being one but there's nothing that can be done about it.