Been awhile.. I didn't leave this place because I was better or anything, I just got tired of it. But it seems lately I've hit bottom and I have nowhere to turn. Thanksgiving break is soon and I don't want to go back, there's nothing there. But there's nothing here either, really. There's nowhere to go and no one to go to. I'm alone. One day I think I have these great friends who appreciate me and then it's like the very next day they just go and desert me and go to some place without even asking me if I want to go too (and I know that's never going to stop because it happens all the time). I wish they'd just stop lying to me and tell me why I am so repulsive, why no one wants to be around me. I try to be nice to everyone and try to be as cheerful as I can be but I guess that's not enough.
Lately I have been thinking maybe I am going crazy. I play these scenarios in my head about suicide, or sometimes just breaking things around me and going crazy. Several times I've been in the presence of people and the thoughts of hating my life/self/everything just became too much so I just darted out of the room and into my own room and started screaming. Lately I've just wanted to scream nonstop. There's nowhere to go to do that, really, though. Except into my pillow (which I do, along with cry, a lot, lately). I broke my hundred dollar headphones, basically just tore them apart completely. I had visions of tearing up all the 20 dollar bills in my wallet cause I don't even care, or lighting them on fire or something. Yesterday night I got so upset that I harmed myself... I just ran into my room and said in a really nasty tone to myself, "i don't want to be here i just want to fucking kill myself" and started hurting myself at the same time as saying that over and over again. I stayed in bed until 10pm today because there was no reason to get up.
Sometimes I stay up until late morning, laying in bed talking to myself, as if I'm talking to another person. I just say whatever is on my mind because I wish I had a person that I could tell everything to but I don't so I just say everything to thin air alone in my room.
I don't really feel like going into more depth about why I feel this way.. because I know doing that won't help. Not really even sure why I'm posting this. I'm just not sure if I want to be on this earth anymore. I've played suicide in my head over and over and over again, sometimes it gets less bad but it never gets good. It gets less bad but it doesn't ever get /better/. It doesn't.