At the bottom again
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Mental and Physical Health > Self-Harm


At the bottom again

This is a discussion on At the bottom again within the Self-Harm forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; Been awhile.. I didn't leave this place because I was better or anything, I just got tired of it. But ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-24-13, 04:21 AM   #1
Experienced Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,106
My Mood:
Default At the bottom again

Been awhile.. I didn't leave this place because I was better or anything, I just got tired of it. But it seems lately I've hit bottom and I have nowhere to turn. Thanksgiving break is soon and I don't want to go back, there's nothing there. But there's nothing here either, really. There's nowhere to go and no one to go to. I'm alone. One day I think I have these great friends who appreciate me and then it's like the very next day they just go and desert me and go to some place without even asking me if I want to go too (and I know that's never going to stop because it happens all the time). I wish they'd just stop lying to me and tell me why I am so repulsive, why no one wants to be around me. I try to be nice to everyone and try to be as cheerful as I can be but I guess that's not enough.

Lately I have been thinking maybe I am going crazy. I play these scenarios in my head about suicide, or sometimes just breaking things around me and going crazy. Several times I've been in the presence of people and the thoughts of hating my life/self/everything just became too much so I just darted out of the room and into my own room and started screaming. Lately I've just wanted to scream nonstop. There's nowhere to go to do that, really, though. Except into my pillow (which I do, along with cry, a lot, lately). I broke my hundred dollar headphones, basically just tore them apart completely. I had visions of tearing up all the 20 dollar bills in my wallet cause I don't even care, or lighting them on fire or something. Yesterday night I got so upset that I harmed myself... I just ran into my room and said in a really nasty tone to myself, "i don't want to be here i just want to fucking kill myself" and started hurting myself at the same time as saying that over and over again. I stayed in bed until 10pm today because there was no reason to get up.

Sometimes I stay up until late morning, laying in bed talking to myself, as if I'm talking to another person. I just say whatever is on my mind because I wish I had a person that I could tell everything to but I don't so I just say everything to thin air alone in my room.

I don't really feel like going into more depth about why I feel this way.. because I know doing that won't help. Not really even sure why I'm posting this. I'm just not sure if I want to be on this earth anymore. I've played suicide in my head over and over and over again, sometimes it gets less bad but it never gets good. It gets less bad but it doesn't ever get /better/. It doesn't.

Last edited by Momo; 11-24-13 at 04:26 AM.
Momo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-13, 04:29 AM   #2
Experienced Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,106
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Momo View Post
I try to be nice to everyone and try to be as cheerful as I can be but I guess that's not enough.
(and I probably don't come across as cheerful anyway but I do try, I really do try...)
Momo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-13, 04:58 AM   #3
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 81
My Mood:
Default

Hey Momo,
not sure what I want to say, but just..hang in there. I recognise a lot of what you say and I just hope that things will work out for the both of us, maybe one day things will be easier..
Just wanted to let you know that I'm here to listen if you want to talk. Hang in there :)
xx
__________________
"When the night is young but it makes you feel much older
And you comatose each waking hour of life
When the days go by but the darkness lingers longer
And before you know it life is one long night"
Hurts - Only You
Pomegranate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-13, 12:27 PM   #4
New Member
 
tikktakk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northern Europe
Posts: 18
Default

Hi, unfortunately I don't have any miraculous advice for you. "Have a cup of tea" will probably not be helpful in your situation. However you seem to at least need a better outlet for your agony than harming yourself or destroying things. Something that actually makes you feel better. Telling us about it here is a good start I think. Also think about seeing a professional counseler if you don't have one already.
You can talk to me if you want (if you can stand that my english is not perfect).
tikktakk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-29-13, 12:13 AM   #5
Experienced Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,106
My Mood:
Default

To be honest with u I need counseling again probably... but I'll have to wait until after the semester is over to even think about that. Not really looking forward to telling my parents I want it again. And not really looking forward to telling the person I see all the shit that I've been upset about because they'll judge me (just trust me on that).

Only therapist that I had any sort of connection with was my first one when I was probably 16 or something.. stopped going to her cause I was just tired of her and didn't agree to some of the stuff she was telling me. But all the ones after her were completely useless rather than occasionally disagreeable so I guess she is probably my best bet. If she even works anymore.

Fuck my life for the past like 5 years. If I could go back and try harder not to be such a piece of shit for all that time I would do it in a heartbeat.
Momo is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:34 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2