Need a little help
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Need a little help

This is a discussion on Need a little help within the Self-Esteem forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Hi, I’m brand new to this forum and have been reading a lot of people’s posts looking for similar problems ...

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Old 04-29-18, 04:19 AM   #1
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Default Need a little help

Hi, I’m brand new to this forum and have been reading a lot of people’s posts looking for similar problems to mine and seeing if i can maybe offer some help too.

I am actually struggling to put what my problem is into one concise well explained little post but my mind jumps from one issue to another. It’s like it’s not just one thing, it’s a collection of things others may find trivial but altogether they’re getting me down.

I suffer from anxiety which can be crippling at times and lets small problems get bigger, for example, I can get a letter regarding car insurance renewal, I’ll know the new charge is too high and I’ll also know that I can get it cheaper elsewhere but because I avoid making phone calls I’ll just let it roll over, this happens regarding ending mobile phone contracts etc and it’s not like I have a lot of money, I just stress too much and bury my head in the sand. Another example of this is that I really need to get myself to a dentist, I have done for ages but I can’t face making the appointment and also the appointment itself, I’m not scared of dentists, just the situation. There are loads of examples of this, I’m rambling and probably haven’t even picked the most relevant ones.

This makes going out and socialising difficult too, I spend around four days worrying and panicking in the lead up to a social event, I only really go out if it’s a special occasion, births, marriages and deaths. I also have alopecia which has ravaged what little self confidence I had.

Just a few days ago my girlfriend of two years and I split up, I’ll miss her company for sure but we weren’t right for each other and I accept that, there were a lot of reasons but a major one is because she’s a social butterfly and I dread going out. I’m happier walking my dog in a forest than I am drinking in a nightclub.

Anyway, at the start of the year I forced myself to join a gym and have been sporadically going, my anxiety and low moods do get the better of me and I avoid it sometimes.
I have read so many posts, self help guides, wellness threads but nothing seems to be the plan of action for me, I want that one bit of advice that seems like I was meant to read it, like it’s the info my brain was missing, I want to train my mind to believe I can be ok and achieve some of the things I’d like from life, I want to get fitter, lose a chunk of weight, be able to sleep at night, be an adult and take care of my own affairs, the ablilty to socialise would be nice. I worry that I’ll be single for a very long time as I hardly ever go out but Im the kind of person who likes being in a relationship and I’m not getting any younger which also stresses me out. I haven’t been single for a huge amount of time since i was a young guy so I don’t really know how to be just me, I know I have to be on my own for a while as I want to sort myself out but I hope it’s not for too long and that’s not being disrespectful to my ex, she’s already using dating apps which I know as my friend saw her on it just yesterday.

I’m thinking if I can get myself fit I’ll have a shade more confidence to go out, sure the alopecia will still be there but i have to work on the things I can change and not the things I can’t. Before the alopecia my confidence was slightly better, I’ve never been full of self esteem but I definitely was more comfortable in my own skin, I had a full beard and I have tattoos, not everyone’s cup of tea but for a while I felt like my look was on point and actually got compliments, not something I’m used to, and I know it’s shallow but for once I felt pretty alright about myself, I’ve been awkward in every way since I was a kid and finally felt this was my time to be normal!!!! Then as luck would have it alopecia hit me, and where? Mainly my face, beard and eyebrows, I lost around 80% of my facial hair, not evenly either so as I could salvage some kind of beard/stubble, just random huge baby smooth patches. I hadn’t been clean shaven for around 15 years, hadn’t seen my full face since I was in my teens, it was a shocker, like someone else’s face, it completely broke me, I lost my style and sense of identity. My self image was shot.
It’s not fully came back now but after a few years of this I’ve leaned to deal with it (to an extent)
I realise after typing all this it’s more of a vent than a question, however any advice regarding how to create more positive thoughts, achieve peace of mind and actually be able to switch off my brain at night so as I can rest would be greatly appreciated.
I’m sorry for going on, i realise I ramble so so much 😩
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Old 04-29-18, 03:26 PM   #2
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First and foremost understand that no you aren't alone. Almost everyone here is battling something that can't be fully explained, myself included. We all understand that the phrase "just snap out of it" doesn't work at all.

This is just my opinion so take it for whatever it's worth, but my opinion is you need to focus on just one thing at a time. I will use the gym as an example here. The key is develop a routine or habit of going. If you only feel like doing 20 minutes on a treadmill or stationary bike or whatever every other day then make yourself do that. Even if you don't feel like going, go anyway. Make yourself do it! Set that time aside for yourself, write it on a calendar if you have to just make yourself go. The goal here is to get yourself to the point where you don't have to force or bargain with yourself into going and eventually add to your routine. Set specific goals for yourself and get busy! Say "I want to lose 'x' number of pounds by 'this period of time' " as opposed to "I want to be in better shape." Get into a rhythm of going and build from there. Just keep going! Once you get a taste of accomplishment you'll be better equipped to tackle the next challenge, whatever that may be.
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Old 04-29-18, 04:40 PM   #3
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kh440

Thank you so much for you reply, I totally agree with everything you have said and I’m gonna take your advice, the gym will be my focus, I’m going there after work tomorrow, then again on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday morning, that will be my weekly routine, no ifs, no buts, no coconuts!!! I have also downloaded an app on my phone which reminds me to do set out exercises at home on the days I won’t be at the gym, it’s a high intensity training programme so hopefully before long I will see results and that will inspire me to keep at this. Like you say, one thing at a time, I need to stop scattering my thoughts though I admit it’s hard sometimes, I feel my brain works at a million thoughts per second, usually negative thoughts and worries but if I busy myself with training then perhaps I’ll be too physically tired to be awake all night thinking!!!
Thank you again, your reply is appreciated. I hope you yourself are well ☺️
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Old 04-30-18, 09:18 PM   #4
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I wish you the best my friend. Just remember it's okay if you have to slow down, but do not stop. Keep. Moving.
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