I'm attending a new college for the 4th time now. This time I'm studying something I've always been interested in and passionate about. I've taken my first step towards "pursuing my dreams." The only problem is that it feels more like a nightmare.
As I said, this is the 4th time I'm going to a new school. You'd think that by now I'd be used to it. Nope. I think it's safe to say that this is the most anxious I've ever felt about school. This university is HUGE compared to the other schools I've been to. There are so many buildings and students, and the social scene is crazy here. I feel so lost in these crowds. Just the thought of going back on Friday makes me nauseous. My social anxiety has never been so intense.
Today I realized that all the other students in my class have way more experience than me in my field of study. My work is pathetic compared to theirs. I'm used to being the top student in my class, so I don't know how I'm going to cope with this. To make things worse, a lot of group work is involved in my classes. No one is going to want to work with me if I suck at everything and don't know how to talk... I'm very worried that I won't be able to make any friends. I mean, I never have been able to, but this time is different... I feel like this is my last chance.
I already feel like this was a mistake. I'm going to a huge school in the heart of the city studying something I have no experience with. What the hell was I thinking? Today I went to a street party by myself hoping that I would make friends. I was trying to get involved for a change. I've never done something so terrifying and ridiculous. Have I completely lost my mind? This is way too far outside of my comfort zone. I can't do this.