I'm just losing my mind the more I need to live like this. If anyone can help I'd really appreciate it.
I've been seeking help from a counselor for a few months now. I really feel I have reached a plateau in recovery, because I hate myself so much. Anyone trying to get me to love myself usually just gets on my nerves. Like yeah it's nice but I can't see why I'm here other than as gods laughing stock. I never do anything right and I never finish anything. I am ugly and fat and I have no particular talents. I especially get annoyed when people say "you're not ugly." Sometimes you just know what you are and it's the truth. I've tried diet and exercise. Of course i don't have time for it anymore and that is why I'm having such a hard time and have been full of anxiety and tears as of late. I don't have time to love myself because I'm too busy pleasing everyone around me or thinking about different things.
I'm back in college now. I'm only taking one class this semester and the homework is as heavy as if I were taking two classes. I work a full time job and at this point I feel like I'm suffocating because I have no time to do what I want to do, or really relax.
Homework takes several hours. I try to do it on weekends because I'm so easily distracted by anxious thoughts if I try to do it before work (I work 3pm-1130pm). But then someone reminds me i made plans with them or have to because I'm on the brink of losing the relationship with the person. We are supposed to write 1000 word papers each week and the instructor also just added a bunch of book work on top of it (which is completely unrelated to the papers I'm writing).
So essentially when I'm not at work or in counseling, I have to do school stuff. I don't have time to do any relaxing activities between maybe 6 hours a sleep at night if I'm lucky. I haven't been able to do any yoga or any type of exercise. I panic every night and all I think about is doing it right. It doesn't help that the teacher doesn't grade us so I have no idea if the effort I'm putting in is even helping me. I wrote one paper three times at one point because I kept writing about negative memories.
The assignment was to write an imagery piece that coincided with my core belief that everyone changes. I wrote once about the first time I cut, and the second was about getting out of the worst relationship id ever had. He wants us to think of memories, but every good memory I had has a bunch of bad memories tied or stuffed right next to it.
I know I'm just all over the place but I seriously am just losing my sanity at this point and I don't know what to do. I don't want to drop out of college AGAIN. I had to fight just to get in this semester (they dropped me the day after my first class despite paying the college $513 of my money). I got in thanks to the one good soul in their financial department. I don't receive any sort of school aid because I am not considered an independent student even though I live on my own and receive no parental support at this point. Money is tough but now that's no longer considered a "huge" worry to me (even though it still is). If I dropped out again, I'd be screwed because I'd have to start paying my loan back. I couldn't take a loan out this semester because I'm only taking one class.
So what does one do to find time for herself? I'm running so ragged I am tearing up just thinking about it.
And to give you more indication on how little time I have, this post was written on my phone between two smoke "breaks" and posted whilst sitting here peeing on the toilet. I don't even have time to sit at a computer to type this out because I only have time to type papers anymore. Maybe a 2 word Google search.