I'm not sure. I was feeling really down before. I didn't want to go and I was so tired. But I went because I would feel bad not showing and taking up her time if someone else needed it. She asked me about the summer and I told her I backtracked. I told her that I only self harmed a few times, but I told her about the bulimic tendencies. She said she was concerned about it saying that she noticed I looked like I lost a decent amount of weight since we last talked.
I told her about one time over summer where I wanted to escape and I did some stuff where I wasn't trying to die on purpose, but I didn't really care if I did. She told me I can't sugar coat it, or I can for myself, but to her, she said that's a suicide attempt and she won't sugar coat it. She said that the medication isn't really helping and that she wants me to see the psychiatrist there to get proper supervision with the antidepressants where I'll see them each week or so to see how they're working. She said that seeing the doctor once over months isn't enough, especially when it was to just get it readjusted and it's still not helping much.
We talked a lot about how I feel no matter what, I'm always going to fall back and everything is just pointless and how I want to die. She said she understands that, but she said she knows that it can get better if I work hard. So I said I don't have the energy to put in work, etc. I said I want to set a deadline after 6 months or something that if things don't get better, I can kill myself without having to feel bad about it. She said that wasn't good, but she also said if I came back and worked with her, things will get better.
We spent about 30 minutes sitting there after she asked if I wanted to come back. I said I know I should, but I don't want to because I'm in one of those hopeless moods where I see it as just being pointless and I don't want to take up her time if someone else could use the slot and actually get better.
I asked her if I could leave and email her whether or not to continue and she smiled and said I can't get out that easily. She told me to make an appointment now, and if the time doesn't work, then to email to change it, but if I cancel via email, she said she's going to call me and make me cancel via phone because she knows I don't want to say it out loud. And when she gave me a little piece of paper for a reminder of the date, she pulled it back when I reached to grab it and said that she's not giving up on me and that I need to come back and that she's going to make it difficult for me to stop coming because she said she knows I need it.