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This is a discussion on Overwhelmed...already... within the School forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Originally Posted by 20depressed I can't do something like that. I worked hard to get good grades etc. my first ...

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Old 08-20-12, 03:55 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by 20depressed View Post
I can't do something like that. I worked hard to get good grades etc. my first two years to get me into the program. It's not something that I could take time off. I have to stay with the program for 2 years or if anything, take a year off and then reapply for next year. I don't want to do that. I don't have the money to take a year off...

I don't have any type of dream like that. My dream is simple. I just want to be happy, have a family one day, and maybe one or two good friends. That's all I want.
Perfect. You're probably 'school material'. I'm not. I'm too rebellious. I'm usually the guy in class that everyone stays away from. Everyone else gets along, but no one likes me. So I got tired of that bullshit and basically just said "fuck school". I'm wasting my time and money here kidding myself trying to get a degree that I don't even have my heart set on. I thought, "you only have one life, then its over, don't you want to try to accomplish your all-time goal?" so it made sense to me so I quit school and now I'm working towards a career in music.

I wasn't suggesting that you quit school, I was just telling you of what drastic measures I went to get away from the stuff you're talking about. I'm not a stupid person, but the school setting just doesn't work for me. But if it works for you and your being pro-active, you'll get to where you want to be. And maybe I won't end up sweeping the streets. Lol
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Old 08-20-12, 04:51 PM   #12
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I hope you didn't take what I said sarcastically. I know you weren't implying that I quit school. It's really not the setting for me either. I'm better when I'm in charge. I feel inferior when I'm the student, to the teachers and to the other students. When I'm working or in charge, I feel better about myself.

I know that I have to work and I know that I would want to work helping children, and I'm good at math/sciences, so I looked into healthcare fields, and found this good program. But I need a break from everything which is pathetic, but I'm a mess. Maybe an organized mess.
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Old 08-20-12, 05:05 PM   #13
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How did it go today seeing the therapist?
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Old 08-20-12, 07:38 PM   #14
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I'm not sure. I was feeling really down before. I didn't want to go and I was so tired. But I went because I would feel bad not showing and taking up her time if someone else needed it. She asked me about the summer and I told her I backtracked. I told her that I only self harmed a few times, but I told her about the bulimic tendencies. She said she was concerned about it saying that she noticed I looked like I lost a decent amount of weight since we last talked.

I told her about one time over summer where I wanted to escape and I did some stuff where I wasn't trying to die on purpose, but I didn't really care if I did. She told me I can't sugar coat it, or I can for myself, but to her, she said that's a suicide attempt and she won't sugar coat it. She said that the medication isn't really helping and that she wants me to see the psychiatrist there to get proper supervision with the antidepressants where I'll see them each week or so to see how they're working. She said that seeing the doctor once over months isn't enough, especially when it was to just get it readjusted and it's still not helping much.

We talked a lot about how I feel no matter what, I'm always going to fall back and everything is just pointless and how I want to die. She said she understands that, but she said she knows that it can get better if I work hard. So I said I don't have the energy to put in work, etc. I said I want to set a deadline after 6 months or something that if things don't get better, I can kill myself without having to feel bad about it. She said that wasn't good, but she also said if I came back and worked with her, things will get better.

We spent about 30 minutes sitting there after she asked if I wanted to come back. I said I know I should, but I don't want to because I'm in one of those hopeless moods where I see it as just being pointless and I don't want to take up her time if someone else could use the slot and actually get better.

I asked her if I could leave and email her whether or not to continue and she smiled and said I can't get out that easily. She told me to make an appointment now, and if the time doesn't work, then to email to change it, but if I cancel via email, she said she's going to call me and make me cancel via phone because she knows I don't want to say it out loud. And when she gave me a little piece of paper for a reminder of the date, she pulled it back when I reached to grab it and said that she's not giving up on me and that I need to come back and that she's going to make it difficult for me to stop coming because she said she knows I need it.
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Old 08-20-12, 08:00 PM   #15
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20. I am thrilled that this woman is your therapist! She sounds perfect. Everything she told you is right on target. I am so happy you found her. Please stick with her! I think it will be so worth it.

I agree that your meds should be monitored more frequently and closely. That makes a whole lot of sense. I think she really knows what she's talking about. She is really dedicated to helping you, and she said that she can. I think that's great news :)
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