I feel like such a worthless piece of shit. Nobody cares. I hate myself. I deserve to be in pain.
I'm on the verge of a mental break. All this college work. I just spent half a fucking hour finishing a paper I've had a fucking week to do. I had so much anxiety about even starting it. I finished it before counseling, and came home after work to see there wasn't a conclusion.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN COLLEGE?! Other papers this semester have been rewritten 2-3 times before it goes beyond me; and these papers are supposed to be "drafts." Not only that, but my teacher put me in an editing group of ONE! ONE! Everyone else has 3 others reading their papers and editing them together, and he sticks me with the kid who just got out of high school and clearly doesn't 'click' with me. He's writing about his trips to Colorado and some shit (and it is
interesting, don't get me wrong), and I'm writing about how I believe in hypocrisy and why it is okay to change your morals and values as you progress through life. I'm doing this by exploring my own mistakes but also some of the beauty in life I found by trying new things.
It's not even about that; it isn't.
What ruins it for me is that he adds on this bookwork which is not at all referred to in the class discussions; it is completely seperate from what we are actually learning. I'm just so stressed. I am not a fast reader, and these "questions" are really clusters of 2-3 questions for each bullet. And he wants us to answer the first three. So, at least nine questions per reading, and six readings total.
I'm so fucking overwhelmed. I wish I could pay someone to do this shitty work for me.
I'm just holding back tears and trying to dissociate so my boyfriend doesn't come up to bother me.
Oh, and my counselor told me she wrote in her notes something about BPD, saying I must have said something at some point. I didn't until today, when I just said I thought that might be my problem. This shit makes me believe it. I hate people, I hate that school. I hate myself for wasting all that money to go to that school just for it to destroy my sanity and probably give me a fucking ulcer. I do not have any friends there. I work a full time job. I don't have time as it is and they pull this shit. I'm only taking one class, this shouldn't be so hard.