Looking Back Makes Me Cringe
 

So I haven't been here for a while, not necessarily because I didn't need to come here but because I think I was embarrassed by my behavior before I decided to take a hiatus.

Looking back now I realize that I was having a full-fledged meltdown. Last year I almost got kicked out of school for failing an entire semester's worth of classes. That caused me to sort of wake up and realize that I needed to change something in my life.

I couldn't afford medication or therapy, though I think even now those are things that I still need, I made small changes. I started eating healthier, walking around in a lit house (as opposed to drawing all the curtains and lying in bed for hours on end), and creating a schedule. A major change I introduced into my life was a service puppy-in-training. I'm raising him for an organization. He has made the BIGGEST difference in my approach to life. I've had dogs before but this one is special. I'll miss him when he goes back to the facility but no one could ever replace what he has given me: confidence and independence.

I lost a lot when my friend committed suicide. I no longer have any friends, I live at home, I went from being an A student to a failing student (now I'm a C student), but most of all I lost all confidence in myself. I've gained a lot of that back now and at times I actually feel happy.

When I see these posts from about 6 months to 2 years ago now I just shiver. I cannot even remember writing most of them and I'm not even sure who that person was. The worst few were the last few I posted. I really thought I was going to kill myself. And, to be honest, I half-heartedly tried a few times.

No my life isn't happy-go-lucky and there are days where I feel depressed and wish I were dead, but now I feel that I have gained perspective, that I want to try to ride this wave out to see how much better it might get. Most of all, I never want the people I love to have to go through what I have been through.

Sorry, I kind of rambled on and on. I just want the people reading this thread to perhaps identify with my experience or find it to be inspirational in some way.

I can relate on many levels with what your saying. Although I just recently joined this forum, there was a time where things for me were just as you described them, full of despair and pain and with nothing else on my mind than the thought of wanting to die and doing things that I wished would have just gotten the deed done. And even while today its no walk in the park and the everyday stress and situations are still enough to make me want to start thinking like I used to again, I am looking for things that bring me happiness and fighting off the thoughts when they start creeping up on me. Rock on!

It can be hard to get out of that spiraling hole and its good that you are making it out of it. There are many that do not. Keep it going and in time I'm sure you will be back to your old self.

That is really good news! It is always a nice thing to read how other people are coping with and overcoming the darkness in their lives. It makes me feel better to read your words tonight, as I'm up late with pain and though I slept part of the day away, get up early tomorrow to work again so I'm feeling gloomy. You are a light to this world, don't ever doubt your value to others. :hug:

I know of someone else who socializes dogs for the foundation for the blind and it gives her confidence and purpose in life. She used to isolate herself but now with going out with a dog, she ends up talking to people as they are inevitably curious about seeing a dog in a building. I know it's going to be very hard when the dog has to leave but there is nothing saying that you shouldn't do this again, especially if it helps you get out and feel more independant and productive. You are getting and giving at the same time. :smile:

Also congrats on passing your classes again. :thumbsup:

Thank you everyone. It made my day to read these responses.