My mom wants me to meet a childhood 'friend'
I've been watching this community for a while now, I think its time I finally post! So on with it
I had a friend who was 5 years older than me, from the time that I was 6-12. Even though she was older than me, we got along really good and our moms trusted her to look out for me.
The problem started when she became really obsessed with sex. Her mom would go to the library and get her books about sex. And eventually her mom would rent her porn videos. She told me her mom was so nice to her because she had found out that her father was actually her moms husband.
She would show me the books, and educate me. When she got the videos, she would put the barbie dolls in sex poses and make all kinds of sounds. I remember one day she said that she wanted to be a doll, and do what the dolls were doing. She told me that I was the girl and she was the boy. She gave me lines (on fucking paper) what I could say, and what I had to do. I thought it was really weird, and I didn't understand what we were doing.
I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. If I ever said no, she would pull my hair and kick me. After a while I gave up, and would just lie there while she would touch me. She told me that this was what friends do all the time, that it was normal and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. But I knew it was wrong.
Eventually one day my mom found out about her watching porn and the following week the left town. Whats causing me the most pain is that she is back in town and my mom is pressuring me to meet up with her, to add her on face book, to be friends again. I've been having flashbacks and nightmares for months now.
What makes it even worse is that I'm a lesbian. With exception of my online friends and a couple people I used to be friends with, no on knows. I feel really dirty, and I have a lot of shame about it. I've told my self over and over again that it was just the cards I was dealt. But in the back of my mind I feel like she did this to me. The way she isolated me, the way she would blackmail me, they way she would tell me I was her doll shaped me to who I am today. After taking a year of uni to get my shit together, I have no friends, I'm depressed, I never leave the house, I'm always angry, I'm un empathic, I can barely get up in the morning, and I feel ill all the time.
Not long ago I was doing something to hurt myself so I wouldn't have to go to work the next day. My mom came home early and came the conclusion that I was just being dramatic to get her attention. She ignored me for the rest of the evening, and I kept doing it until I was really hurt. I need to do something to change this, it hurts so much to be awake and I need help if this is ever going to end.
If anyone else has been though something similar I would really like to hear from you. Thank you
While I haven't had a similar experience, you should know that you in no way have to meet up with this person. What she did to you was wrong, especially when you were 12 and she was 17. At 17 she would have known better. Does your mum know what she did to you? I'm not saying that you should tell her (only if you want to) but let her know that you don't want to meet up with this person and if she asks why, you could just say something along the lines of "her behavior in the past made me uncomfortable and I really don't want to go into it in any depth".
It also might be helpful to talk to a therapist or someone else about what happened to help you deal with the emotions.
SaltedGrapes, I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you. I know how these things (especially in childhood) can really shape you as a person and effect every aspect of your life. I know how flashbacks and nightmares can make it hard to cope with every day life. Now, though, you are an adult. You're not a child, you are not helpless, and you don't ever have to see this person again. Even though your mom is pressuring you to meet up with her, you can make it clear that you don't want to see her, ever, without telling her about the abuse (unless that's something you want to do). I know sexual abuse can make sexuality in general difficult, and the guilt/shame feelings are common, but how ashamed you sound of your sexuality/lesbianism is still saddening. You were not "made" that way, you were born that way, and being gay is a perfectly normal and ok way to be. As the previous poster suggested, talking to someone about all of these things (the abuse, the self harm, your feelings about your sexuality) would probably help you work things out, but I of all people know it's easier said than done. I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope venting here can in some way help you cope. Sending good thoughts. xx
I'm sorry you were sexually abused. I'm obsessed with sex, but I would never touch a minor so there's no excuse. What she did was sick. Maybe you could just make up some excuse for why you and your abuser weren't able to rekindle the friendship. You really need therapy to come to terms with your sexuality. Perhaps also reach out to other lesbians online if you want to keep it a secret. There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian. One day you may be proud of it. The LGBT community is wonderful. They're political, conscious about AIDS awareness, sex-positive, and have lots of fun events like parades.
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