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Venom 10-31-12 06:15 AM

The Spirit Is Haunting Me
 
My mom's late husband died of a heart attack. I tried to save him with cpr. I couldn't save him. I had to go to his funeral dosed up on painkillers. And now my night terrors are real bad. And flashbacks. And I deserve it cause I treated him like crap except for that weekend when we made up. And maybe the spirit is haunting me. And I can't sleep. And I don't want to live really.

Mitza 10-31-12 07:12 AM

Hey, Venom. :hug:
You certainly do not deserve to feel this way. From what I can remember, he did not treat you that well... You are not to blame for his death at all. As you said, you even tried to save him...

Does anyone else blame you for this? Or are the voices coming from you?... I'm sorry it hurts so.. ((((((((((Venom)))))))))))

Venom 10-31-12 08:35 AM

I just feel bad about it... And I somehow feel it was my fault because I wished death on someone days before it happened, not him, but another human being nonetheless... Like it was bad karma coming and saying "hey, look what you did." And yea he did do some outta line things and we had our clashes... It just seems so unfulfilled, we had just became cool with one another and he had just started getting his shit together and stopped being such a burden and pain in my ass... And now I feel like I never got to know him like I should have.

Thanks Mitza (HUGS)

emily is broken 10-31-12 08:58 AM

it's really not your fault.

try not to blame yourself for it

hugs

Rueval 10-31-12 09:32 AM

Are you being treated for PTSD? It sounds like that is what you are suffering from.

Venom 10-31-12 04:29 PM

yea i've been had ptsd before this happened... it's makin it worse.. i realize how crazy i sound sometimes... i need to go get some help... thanks

hottea654 11-03-12 03:56 PM

:hug::hug: I gotta go but wanted you to know... I'm still here. I hope you feel better soon. Try to stay in the positive if you can, that your wish for someone else was unrelated and your relationship with him had just turned the corner. It sounds like you were at the best point you had yet had for him to meet his end. I know it's hard. Take it day by day. :hug:

ronda12 11-03-12 06:45 PM

You made up with him and that is important. You tried to save his life, reaching out to him with the greatest gift that you could give, your love, in hope that he would live. I held a grudge agains my brother for two years, about what I won't say here, but; then, I found out he had pancreatic cancer. I was devastated, and like you, mourned and cried about how I wasted those years, not being friends with him.I had the opportunity during the last three months of his life to make amends and be with him; I was at his bedside when he died last October 29th. I felt just as guilty as you, even more so, because he was disabled and in a Veternas home. Finally, I forgave myself, as you will to. Don't forget, I am sure he was to blame for things too. He is at peace now; I believe in the life hereafter. You can tell him how you were sorry, for what transpired between you. He will hear you. I told my brother I talk to him all the time, knowing in heaven he hears me. He knows I am sorry. Talking to your mother's husband in heaven and telling him you wished things had been different, will be very healing for you; and he will hear you. Please go to You Tube and type in Jai McDowell, you will come to the page of Britain's Got Talent. You will see a video there "Are You There" by Jai McDowell, which he sung in the final. I just happened to click on that just four weeks after my brother died. In the video he talks to a loved one who has passed. He tells him, he would just like to see him once more. I cried buckets when I heard it. So, perhaps I shouldn't tell you to do that. But, I listened to it over and over again, because I wanted my brother to know I was thinking of him. I will be praying and hoping you become easy on yourself. You tried to save his life. He knows that in heaven above. You are a good person. Ronda12

Venom 11-04-12 06:55 AM

thanks y'all, and thank you rhonda for sharing your experience. I'm coping better, I have finally gotten back on my medication and it doesn't seem so bad anymore.

Mitza 11-04-12 04:52 PM

I'm glad to hear that, Venom. :hug:
We're here if you want to talk.


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