When people die....
my aunt died. i had two aunts die. one died a few years ago of pancreatic cancer. the other one died just last year from breast cancer i think it was. my mom has cancer now too. my uncle just died.
i had a friend die. she had a severe mental illness and she was hit by a car. i was told she laid in the street for a while before anyone found her. i can't imagine what she might have been thinking, lying there in the road dying...
i did not have a childhood. i did not have the usual parent to explain the "scary" things to me. i've not ever experienced the safety of being hugged, the safety of having a trusted loved one hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. i've seen on tv, a child is upset, and the parent figure soothes him. i don't know what that is....
i am a middle aged adult and i'm missing a lot of the normal adult cohesiveness, the normal adult solidness, core, my core is missing because i experienced horrific abuse at the hands of parents all throughout my childhood; in many ways, i am still a child because of it.
i feel like a sane, rational discussion about death, a discussion about how i feel about death, about how i feel about the people that i have known that have died, is so far out of my emotional ability....i feel like if i even attempted to discuss how i feel about my relatives dying, about my friends dying, that i would dissolve into a very young alter who just cries and cries.
i don't understand death.
i sound like a four year old when i say that, when i listen to myself say that.
i feel like i want to hug my teddy bear and cry.
Sorry to here about those terrible things you are going through and deaths. I am still unsure really although my minister has assured me so many time about heaven I still struggle mostly bec of dif religious/non belief. My fait in God pretty much went years ago but was a but restored over the last few months by her. Do you feel you can pray? I still struggle myself but still try when I feel I can.
I hope you can give it a try as I am for the first time in years and years trying to do so. If not, maybe simple imagine they are in a good and peaceful place now.
Sometimes hugging your teddy and crying and crying is not only the only thing to do, but the best thing to do!
I don't think anybody can discuss dying or the death of love ones in a rationaly 'adult' way, it hurts, it doesn't seem fair and there's that horrible emptiness that you feel, and anger and guilt and fear and pain and a whole heap of unwanted emotions.
It is normal to feel like a helpless and confused child...but there is a way through this...counselling and therapy is definitely worgh considering, there are bereavement counsellors who specialise in this field, and will let you cry like a baby just like all the others they have seen.
I hope you can find a way through this :hug:
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