At What Point is a Depressed Person's Cheating "Their" Fault?
 

I should say off the bat that I'm not hurling any accusations or implying that people with depression are in any way bad because I've dated a few myself and I know better.

Reason I'm posting is because I heard through the family grapevine that my cousin (childhood friends) and his wife of 2 years are splitting up because she cheated on him. Apparently she did this before the marriage as well and he forgave her. I'm only hearing about that now and also news to me is that she has depression. I haven't seen either of them since their wedding but I know my cousin's a good guy.

The way I hear it she threatened to kill herself if he kicked her out and he went as far as calling her mother, asking her to come out to take care of her daughter. The mother's rather immature response was that she hates him and that she's not coming out there, he should forgive her :confused:

Now I have atleast some sense of what a person with depression goes through and I know that her cheating doesn't make her an evil human being. It may have just been something she felt she had to do and logic didn't really enter into it.

At the same time though....what's he supposed to do? She did it before, she did it again, and there's a better than average chance she'd do it yet again.

My cousin's flying home to stay with his parents for a few weeks to sort out his feelings. She's staying in a hotel, though I can't see that lasting since she only works part time. He hasn't asked my opinion and he may never but I'd like to know what the rest of you think about the choices he has to make now.

Well - there are a few questions/factors that should be taken into consideration:

1) Is she happy in this relationship?
2) Is this relationship contributing to her depression?
3) Was your cousin aware of the depression and how did he approach it?
4) Appears she is impulsive (suicide threat, cheating)
5) Does she have an addictive personality?
6) Has your cousin used her previous cheating as a trump card against her during conflict?

I'm not condoning her behavior - I have little respect for cheaters, but do understand that their behavior is usually the symptom of something else may it be environmental or emotional.

If she is truly depressed and felt that this other person gave her attention and affection she wasn't getting in her marriage it is easy to gravitate towards those feelings...I am sure her actions aren't helping her depression either so keep an eye out.

hope the best for your cousin

Thanks for the reply.

All very good questions. As far as what their relationship is like I only have the most superficial knowledge but I've heard second-hand that he bought her flowers every week.

As far as him knowing she had depression, they've been together 8 years so I'm thinking it's come up. What they've done about it I couldn't say.

The easiest way to help him is to make sure he wants to help herself. Call your cousin and make sure he is ok. He has a daughter to look out for helping his wife with money isn't a show of resentment. It's gratitude towards the daughter and the wife if he helps them out a bit.

However he shouldn't be paying her way. I would talk with the wife and make sure she understands that she needs to take control of her own situation for the child's sake.

Now that they are living apart if she wants to go back to him they can. Make sure with them separated that they keep an open line of communication, yelling at each other is healthy and helps them with closure or even helps with getting them back together.

As for her cheating it's probably just cry for change (Had a woman cheat on me 5 times and I still didn't care finally broke up with me and regretted it after. True husbands that are devoted to there wives know how to play the waiting game well.) I just smiled at her and said I love you and she couldn't forgive herself in the end Some can though, it's what your stamina is in the situation if you have only little it wouldn't work out. Family Therapists are good with helping with that but if they don't go well then there will be issues still. Best you can hope for is simply to stay out of it but send letters to both parties wishing them the best while understanding there situation sucks with some advice added on for both parties.

About the 'being their fault' thing; I believe there really is no excuse for cheating. You can be drunk like there's no tomorrow or depressed out of your mind, cheating on someone is a choice a person makes for him- or herself.

I've been pretty low but I never even imagined that being a valid excuse for cheating on the one you love.

I don't believe that being depressed is an excuse for cheating at all. Using depression as an excuse for that gives those of us with the illness a bad name. Obviously she was unhappy in her relationship, and didn't deal with it well due to her depression, but it's still no excuse to cheat.

I also hate how people threaten to kill themselves so that their partner won't leave or whatever...it's very manipulative behaviour and it also not okay.

What she should have done instead of cheating is gotten professional help, or discussed it with her partner. This probably doesn't help the situation, but it just pisses me off when people use depression as an excuse to get what they want and to act out of line. Sure, we can't act 'normal' all of the time due to our mental state, but it's no excuse to break someone's trust and manipulate them.

Depression is a serious and extenuating circumstance. Depending on the severity of it and the level of support and understanding she feels to have experienced could make her think illogically. While I feel as many do, that adultery is a choice against one you love, there is a proverb that may fit quite well into these situations: "For mere oppression may make a wise one act crazy"