Take This Life

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-   -   I hate being alive so fucking much! (https://www.takethislife.com/suicide/i-hate-being-alive-so-fucking-67750/)

sadbuck 12-12-11 03:40 PM

I hate being alive so fucking much!
 
I hate it so much! There's nothing for me in this world, NOTHING. I have no place anywhere. The human race hates me and wants me to kill myself. Ever since I was a fucking kid everyone has hated me. Everyone! There's no point in me staying alive, it's pointless.

junip 12-12-11 07:27 PM

I believe that those of us who believe the world hates us have more hate for ourselves than anyone else does - hell, 99.9% of the world doesn't even know we exist so how does it hate us?

we must begin with forgiving, accepting, and loving ourselves - it is the biggest and most difficult step to feeling part of the world again.

DoubleRainbow 12-13-11 01:34 AM

junip is right. the world doesn't hate you. I don't hate you. I certainly don't want you to die.
I want to hug you and just be your friend. I want to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on if you need it.

"we must begin with forgiving, accepting, and loving ourselves - it is the biggest and most difficult step to feeling part of the world again."

Very true. It is soooo HARD but nothing comes easy in life, you have to work hard at it, but you CAN do it!

Life is not pointless. Life is full of, well, life! There are many things to learn and discover about this planet and ourselves.

I know it seems so cliche and annoying, but it is true. You can't see it because you are in the dark, but all you have to do is reach for the light and it will switch on.

sadbuck 12-13-11 12:55 PM

You don't get it. I'm an outcast. Even the other misfits dislike me. What's the point when I'm alone? Why would I think it'd get better? It never has. Nobody wants me around, so they might aswell wish me dead.

junip 12-13-11 01:08 PM

no - you think you should be dead.

When it comes down to it - we need to believe in ourselves rather than hoping others believe in us. We lead our path and those who see it will join us.

Very hard concept to understand considering we are social beings. I live in a college town, pretty much just had me, my girlfriend (now ex), and my son. Very few friends around because they moved on or live in my old town 8 hours away. I'm feeling rather alone like you and YES I feel like the world hates me as well.

I know how you feel with the isolation - but we are the only ones who isolate ourselves. I could gladly walk outside and say hi to 100 people and probably make a friend or two. If you seek companionship, hold your head high when you do such. I'm trying that and it's working a bit, it may work for you.

sadbuck 12-13-11 01:25 PM

I've been trying to make friends since I was 4 and it's never worked. It's impossible to believe I'm anything other than worthless when I've never felt any different. It's not like I suddenly became depressed out of nowhere, it happened because I couldn't deny what I was anymore. I've never been told it was okay and I'm not that bad. Everyday all my negative beliefs are reenforced.

Alex19 12-13-11 02:56 PM

sadbuck try moving to a new place where you don't know anybody and start over.

junip 12-13-11 02:59 PM

I will be first to admit that our experiences as children mold as into the people we are today. As a redhead who was bullied quite often (both verbally and physically) I have known for many years as a young adult and older adult that I have some exceptional self-esteem issues and will not deny that they may very well stem from my experiences as a child....and yes depression isn't spontaneous but a culmination of negative reinforcement from multiple angles that rewire our brain into viewing ourselves poorly.

So I agree with you on that, 100%.

What we need to do when thinking of suicide (I do as well...was yesterday), is remind ourselves, JUST FOR OURSELVES - that we are not bad people. If we can break through that razor-wire of self-defamation, we can start to find the specs of goodness in our souls and apply ourselves FOR OURSELVES....and we have to grab hold of those specs with every last ounce of energy and carry them high above our heads.

I know where you are - I'm there with you, so are many here.

grab a positive spec from your soul and become your friend first!

sadbuck 12-13-11 03:29 PM

Thanks junip, I feel a bit better now. I hope you can get better.

Alex, I'd like to move away but it wont be possible for a while. But it's definitely something I should be working towards.

Esther 12-15-11 05:58 PM

Hey!
As you said your thoughts are reinforced, if you think so lowly of yourself then other people around you will pick up on that, even without realizing it and reinforce what you believe, what you think you become!
So you need to start thinking your a great a person, and people are missing out if the don't know you, that your kind and generous and funny, if you start loving yourself then others will want to be around you.
You said you have never been told that you are okay and not that bad! Well I'm telling you today, how precious you are! you are valuable, you are loved, you have so much to give!
You don't have to believe every thought that pops into your head! If it's neagative, you need to grab hold of it and chuck it out of your mind and replace it with a brand new thought! One thats true! and not one that is a lie!!!


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