Take This Life

Take This Life (https://www.takethislife.com/)
-   Depression (https://www.takethislife.com/depression/)
-   -   Trying to heal, from life... (https://www.takethislife.com/depression/trying-heal-life-63895/)

Aries 08-24-11 04:04 PM

Trying to heal, from life...
 
My life, has been nothing short, of a complete nightmare. When I was young, I was abandoned in a garbage can. I was then, moved from foster home to foster home. In one of them, I broke my leg, but more, twords my hip. I also, in another one, I ended up getting on to an ironing board, and burnt my left palm. I still, to this day, have a massive scar on it. People treat it, like it's some kind of disease.

I was adopted, at the age of 2-3. They were unable to have children. We moved alot, since he worked for McDonalds. He would find new properties, to build them on. Because, he of his job, we would seem to be moving, in the middle of the school year.(This of course, happened alot and also as I became older.) I've lived in Colorado, Wyoming, Illinois, and Wisconsin. I have to tell you, it was truly a nightmare! All the new schools, people, kids, and coming/going of friends. The other problem was, he was a big drinker. As I became older, he started to change. He would be always drinking. He started to become more abusive, in both ways. Social Services was actually called, one time, I went to school (when I was 6 yrs old) and was just black and blue. Needless to say, he had beatin me, but never did get caught. He told them, I fell on the stairs, leading down to the basement. I was told, by him, that IF I had told social services, what really happened, it would be worse, the next time. I was too scared of him, so I didn't say a word! I also, was starting to get picked on at school, which just didn't make things easier at home. It started getting to the point, where I would get beatin up, still remember the girls name, right after I would get off the bus. Each day, I would come back home, bleeding, clothes full of blood and black and blue. I would just go upstairs and try to clean myself up, the best that I could. They truly didn't seem to care. He would also, tell me things, like...I'll never amount to anything, I'm a loser, a failure, and I'll never have any friends, and nobody will ever like me. He also would tell me, how fat and unattractive I was, the only thing I had going for me, was nothing.

His wife, was a very calm, and tiny woman. She would complain to him, that I got beat up, and then he wouldn't help, he actually made things worse. I got massively depressed, at an extremely young age. I had NO friends, or anybody that wanted to hang around me. Alot of people didn't want to even talk to me, since I wouldn't stand up for myself, they called me names. I would get things thrown at me, at lunch, and before loading the bus. When I got on the bus, she would threatin me and even the driver, didn't care. I have to say, the one time, she was beating me up, on the bus, a girl, kicked HER butt! I couldn't believe, that somebody actually stood up for me. I knew, this was a daily routine, and I just took it and wasn't going to even try. We ended up moving again, in the same state, just different city. This was High School. Needless to say, a new school, I thought, a new start. Didn't happen! I ended up getting slammed into lockers, and got stitches. Needless to say, shortly after that, I dropped out. I then started to "do things," that got me locked up, in a hosptial. Needless to say, I still kept trying to "end all my pain and suffering," and it didn't help me. Just made things much worse for me and my own health. I was fat, when I was a kid, and was picked on for that too. I made myself sick, per some suggestions I recieved, and that caused alot of other issues as well.

After I did all of that, they kicked me out. They said, I needed more help and they wouldn't/couldn't do this any more. They told me, here's a $150.00. Don't call us, we don't know you, and we wash our hands. You get in trouble, break the law, steal, it's your butt, not ours. They had degrees from Prude, and forgot the other one, and he tossed me! I'm about 13 years of age. I ended up, in some girls home, and kept running away from there. Finally, they got sick of it, and didn't come for me any more. I also, started hiding out. Lying to people, so I could have, at least, a roof over my head/food in my tummy, if just for one night. They-my "family" didn't care, didn't want me back, and nobody believed that I was truly and honestly being abused. I started eating out of garbage cans, sleeping under cars, whatever I could do, to survive. I've been abused, beatin, unloved, uncared for. It hurts me, when I truly allow myself, to realize, what one hell of a ride, my own life has been.

I am now, an older person. I can see clearly, some of my foolish mistakes, choices, and decisions I made. I also, see, that I was NOT loved, cared for, or cherished by my adoptive family/anybody. I've had no friends, no family and have been abused (both ways) most of my life, as a child, and now, as an adult. The one factor I wish I could have changed, is me. I wish I stood up for myself, I wish I could have always told the truth, I wish people would have believed me, and I wish I knew better, all the way around. I'm still here and I will admit, I still suffer from some of the things from my past. My own personally hell, has taught me alot, but some things in my life, I still am not able to over-come, I just have to live with them.

Aries 08-24-11 04:28 PM

The last part of my life, that I foregot to mention, was my real dad appearing. I got a call one night, in my early 20's. This lady told me one of my natural birth parents were trying to find me. I gave the lady, any/all information, that she needed/wanted. She asked if it would be ok, for the birth parent to call me, but couldn't tell me, which one. Needless to say, it was my father. I ended up meeting him. He explained alot of things differently, than what I was told. He told me, it was my mother who left me for dead, not him. Anyways, to make an extremley long story, short, it really wasn't worth meeting him. He never did things for me out of the kindness of his heart, there were always strings attached to it! He wanted me, to leave my own child with him, so he and his wife could raise her. He tried to get me into a company, which would force me to leave the state, go to college, and cut out my daughter's father.

He also kept telling me, that IF I did, what he requested, he would give me the Jeep in the garage or 10k/20k in cash.(Unable to recall the specific dollar amount, but it was one of the two I have) I refused. I wasn't going to leave my child/abandoned her, like he'd done to me. Needless to say, the one time, I truly needed help from him, when I was behind on rent, he came over with a blank check. He told me, again, what he wanted me to do. I again, told him, that I wouldn't leave my child. He proceeded to rip the check, and place all the pieces back in his pocket. He then left. I've never saw/spoke to him again. When I went to confront him, a little over a year later, the house had been sold. That's what the new owners told me. They had purchased it over 1 year ago. I did find out, that he and his wife, moved to Colorado. I've never persued looking for him again....

Aries 08-25-11 01:19 PM

To finish my original posting. I kept finding (not intentional) people that would always take me grantit. They would always take advantage of me. There's one time, when I got into a auto accident, called my roomies, and asked them to pick me up, from the hospital. Their reply, no, too tired, can't. I ended up walking home from the hospital, 15 blocks, maybe a little more. I was covered in blood, broken nose, and walked home in hospital "slippers." Then next day, they walked into my room, and then realized, it wasn't any kind of joke. They never did apologize. They moved out, shortly after that, while I was at work. I came back to an empty house, nothing, but some of my things, and the landlord, telling me 4 months of rent were due now, or would evict me. They spent all the money, I gave them for rent, and gosh knows where it went? Needless to say, I had no car, it was totaled, and now had no place to live, because I didn't have 4 months of rent. I ended up bouncing around, no place to call my own, getting sued, by the landlord, and everything turned into hell. As I got older, I started to drink, not heavily, but enough. I also, started dating guy, that I shouldn't have. I fell down a very long, black, and dark hole. I ended up getting pregnant, and that alone, was not good. Thing never have come easy, all the "lessons" in my life, have been diffucult and a serious struggle. I've never had true friends, family, or anything that normal people have. I struggles constantly with life and the rollercoaster rides. That in turn has taken it out on me physcially and mentally. I keep trying to move forward, even though, my body is shot and had it with everything. As an adult, it's hard. It's hard to keep a smile on my face, with my daughter, but I know, she'll be moving out soon, so I keep trying. When she moves out, then, then I can truly unload, cry, get mad, upset, and let it all out, so I can try to heal from the damages I've taken from life and the damages I've done to myself. My only thought, even to this day, with all the attempts on my own life (when I was much, much youger), almost dying from surgery, is why am I still here and still continuing to suffer? Why am I made to suffer? Suffer from a life of neglect, abuse, no friends, and no family. I never have good luck, thing just going my way, and friends that are true, not just true to themselves.....

am23 08-25-11 02:54 PM

wow, this is absolutely horrific. this convinces me that people are shit. I can't believe you went through this.. and i am really sorry : (
I hope things get much better for you than they do for most. you need it.
<3

Aries 08-25-11 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by am23 (Post 638940)
wow, this is absolutely horrific. this convinces me that people are shit. I can't believe you went through this.. and i am really sorry : (
I hope things get much better for you than they do for most. you need it.
<3

Not all people are that. It just seemed, the more I tried to have some kind of "faith" in the "friends" I had, I learned the hard way, they weren't friends at all to me and could care less. Even, to this day, I deeply struggle with people and the friend issues. People are way too quick to judge another, or listen to what other people say. They should find out on their own, instead of taking other "opinion(s)" on the person. I don't listen to what people tell me, about another. I give them the benifit of any doubts and see what and who they truly are. Then I can decided, on my own, if they're a good friend or not. I always hope, it gets better for everybody. We all have our issues, but we all can use a break, in our own lives....thank you, very much though.

am23 08-25-11 05:27 PM

i understand but i'm pretty mad at people anyways. it's just that when i feel low i just don't appreciate people in general.
no one deserves to feel the way you have..

Aries 08-26-11 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by am23 (Post 638990)
i understand but i'm pretty mad at people anyways. it's just that when i feel low i just don't appreciate people in general.
no one deserves to feel the way you have..

I keep trying to have some kind of 'faith' that people can and will change. I guess it's my foolish thinking, that I keep believing it.:frown:

am23-"it's just that when i feel low i just don't appreciate people in general." I feel the same, yet, still try to believe there's some good ones out there....somewhere...

I also struggle, daily, with any "damage(s)" I've done to my own daughter. She, also has issues with the friends that she has/have had. They take advantage of her, use her, etc.... I told her, what comes around, goes around. I said, never wish anything bad on anybody, but instead, ask for a "reality check," there's nothing wrong with that, at least in my own opinion. I told her, when their money run out, their so-called new friends run out, then, they'll come back, maybe. Just be nice, if they would, and let them know, how they made you feel. Again, nothing wrong with being honest, just don't be mean about how you say it.

I think it's truly sad, the way things are going. It makes me wonder. Will people change for the better, or continue to 'down slide?' Is this our "test" in life, to see how we can change and adapt, or is this world, truly in a world of trouble? I see people, when theres natural disasters, come, unit, help, and support each other. My thinking is this....WHY does it have to come, to something, so tragic, before we wake up and smell the coffee? I want my own child, to have a wonderful, fulling, and enjoyable life. I don't want her, or anybody, to suffer a fraction, of what I or others have or do. Do you think, I'm thinking the wrong way???

am23 08-26-11 01:30 PM

totally! i am sure there are wonderful people Lol, a mixture, good and bad and everything.
but mood is pretty important.. when you feel so low there's almost little someone can do except SHARE your pain. when people don't seem to understand this you feel deeply hurt and it's just too extreme compared to feeling 'ok' and happy.
i don't thin i expect people who are suffering to trust the people around them.. i would be filled with skepticism and hate sometimes.
but at the same time you have kindness and great empathy, the part that can hurt a lot is feeling guilty, at least i feel that way and i always try to push it aside. but sometimes feelings just are and it's difficult to control them. like feeling 'empty' or depressed may cause you to wonder whether or not you are human and if you can love or be loved.. that's so horrifying and unfair, because in that situation i wouldn't actually hurt someone and i would be incapable i am too absorbed in my world.. it's such a weird fuckin paradox lol
im sorry i don't know if this makes sense.
why do you think you caused 'damage' to your daughter? i'm sorry she has those issues as well.. and i know it's the best thing to tell her to be honest and whatnot, but i don't know either of you and what she or her friends are like so i don't want to guess. where did these friends come from? i'm pretty young too, probably close to her age, but i don't have friends lol. i'm pretty avoidant in general. i also understand what you're saying but do you think you both detect what you guys are going through? or is she on a different planet. if you feel a certain way does she feel that way too? just curious..

Aries 08-26-11 02:05 PM

My daughter, has watched me for years, give to others, but never get anything in return, when it's truly needed. She's had a better life, than myself, so for that I'm grateful, but when it comes to friends, she's hitting a brick wall. One example of this, would be a "friend" she's known for years. This girl, had lived with her grandparents. They, had enough, and it was in winter time, they booted her! She had NO PLACE and NO BODY to help her. All her so called friends, left her in the snow-no pun intended. I didn't care for her, because of the previous ways she treated my daughter, but I allowed her to move her stuff in.

I wasn't going to leave her in the cold, and her mother lives out of state. So, I allow her to move in. She told me, to my face, with no place to go, that she really didn't want to be here. First mistake, she never should have opened her mouth. That's NOT the way you treat a person, that is helping you out of a mess you can't get out of! So, I blew it off, and it just got worse! She didn't like my dogs. Too bad, they were here LONG before you were and they're NOT leaving! Next, she lied to the state, to get food vouchers. Not a good thing, because, it will catch up to her! Then, she didn't like my daughter's room, said too small for ALL of HER things. Just be grateful you have a roof over your head! Then, she didn't have a job, so she finally got one, and then we had to spend money to get her to and from work. Yet she would complain, if she had to wait around for a few minutes. The other thing is that she would take 4-5 showers a day!:eek: NOBODY, ever that I have met, takes that many! My bills went through the roof! Finally, her mother, after my daughter heard her complaining about everything to her, sent her a ticket to go live with her. We had to move ALL of her things out, and never got a but $75.00(she spent in groceries-which the state paid for, not her) in over 2 months living with us. I got my water bill, it was well over $900.00 and my electric, was $1,200.00!

I've NEVER had bills that high, since I've lived in this house! So, what happens after all of this, you ask....her mother passed away, sad to say, she had cancer. I found out, and told her, if she needed anything, would be their to help. She was like, ok, other mother. You know what she did? I'll enlighten you. She inherited over $15,000.00 plus. She called me and told me, she would give me some money, for helping her out. To this very day, I've seen NO money, yet she went out and bought a car, clothes, and got her hair done. Plus a few other things, I found out later. For ALL the help, not only my daughter gave her, but myself, I would have at least thought, she'd give me $100.00 or $200.00 for all the bills she wracked up. She still hasn't done anything. But I just found out, yesterday, that she's telling my daughter off, cusing on textes to her, degrating her, and all she's ever done for this girl, was to be a real friend!

To answer your question, which made me LOL! Yes, my daughter's always on another planet!:rofl: My daughter, has a serious mean streak to her. She's nothing like me, that way, she's like her dad. For her poor judements, I think it's my fault, that I allowed her to see my pain(s) when people hurt me, took advantage of me, or what not. I think, in my opinion, it manifested into something else with her. But she does, get hurt by alot of people, when all she does, is to try and be kind, polite, and be a good friend to them. They just turn around at stick it to her, any way(s) that they can. The only difference, is that I TOLD her NOT to let people walk on her and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, when YOU KNOW YOU"RE RIGHT!

am23 08-26-11 02:15 PM

hm well hopefully her mean streak would protect her in some ways, although the way things are going prove otherwise i guess.
as for that girl , wow, i can't believe she would be that selfish.
I'm really sorry about everything.. this all seem so difficult.
how are you dealing with the people around you now? I say drop them, they seem so selfish and they just induce stress : /


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:40 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.


Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2