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tb129 02-11-11 02:20 AM

obsessiveness and indecision over sacrificing living with friends to 'get' girl
 
Hi Guys, erm new to this site just wanted to run something by anyone that wants to listen/think they can help because i'm really struggling at the moment.

Am in my second year of university and am inexperienced with girls. I have never had a long term relationship, in fact have never had a proper girlfriend. I am friends with guys that have and live in a house with four guys who all have and have all lost their virginity and have assured personalities. Last year when I started to feel low about this inexperience, i went on a dirty talking forum to try and gain knowledge and also confidence through chatting about sex and having 'cyber sex' with people. Surprisingly after a week or so i started talking to a girl properly about other things but then also we would fill in the gaps with dirty talk and after a month or so we really felt like we had got to know each other despite only having typed to each other and seen each other on webcams. she had lied to me about being 17 and was actually 16 after i asked her if she'd like to meet up but we went through with it anyway (i had just turned 19 at the time) we didn't have sex but the meeting was quite sexual (oral sex involved) as well as time spent getting to know each other. afterwards we regretted it thinking we should have spent more time properly getting to know each other but the relationship continued to be rather sexual, whilst also chatting to each other a lot, however it felt more like a potential relationship than a casual thing, i guess it was the closest we had ever felt to someone, despite the fact she lives in Wales and I live in England and we only met up around 4 times after that point! However we talked on skype and texted loads etc. etc. it got to a point where i noticed maybe she wasn't the right one for me and it was a very complicated ending which i'm welcome to questions about but basically i brought up where we should take our relationship and noticed it didn't really have a realistic future so we left it. I obsessed over the decision for a long time, thinking about a relationship/friends/nothing and also getting very hung up on the idea of friends with benefits. i started to feel very guilty and of low self esteem about the whole thing having desperately resorted to meeting someone through that way. plus meeting up with a 16 (now 17) year old girl and it being sexual over the internet...it just doesn't sound too good does it and even though it felt innocent at the time i felt a lot of guilt and shame afterwards and i think my dad (who i sort of really look up to) saying things about if he was her dad, hating me etc. it just made me feel terrible and a failure. even though i know at most times he was trying to be sympathetic and noticed why i did it and told me it was just a mistake and i needed to move on.

i had kept her isolated from the rest of my life and once i considered bringing her in to my real life it freaked me out and i spent all my time thinking should i do this or that and my chronic indecisiveness just made me ignore work and my social life and genuinely centre my life around this decision. i couldn't concentrate on anything else. that was 2 and a half months ago and ever since i've been in an obsessive mood, not enjoying little things in life and having a low appetite, not sleeping properly etc. Despite anyone's advice i couldn't just make a rational decision and move on, i would cling to having something with her and try to support it in some way. Until i got confirmation basically from her that doing friends with benefits would be filling a void for her and absolutely wouldn't be an option and could end up hurting her i was thinking it might be a good idea, and before and after that point i kept wondering if we should have tried a relationship even if we'd agreed on many reasons why we shouldn't...i think the fact it felt like it would go somewhere sexually or relationship wise before that point gave me comfort and made me feel confident in some way and not worry about the girls part of my life but from that point it felt like everything blew up in my face.

Once it was over i had a few days of happiness, literally i was ok with things again, kind of knowing it was the right choice in my mind. then i went back to the stuff with her a bit and also my university course, challenging if the content of it is too relevant and thus getting really demotivated and bogged down by it and also my current living setup. i've basically prioritized meeting a girl in my mind. and am thinking ok i live with 4 mates (one of which is my best mate who's dropped out of uni and thus leaving next year) and even though i have fun i'm idealizing a situation of moving in to a third year hall. There is one that has 150 flats of 5 people and i'm thinking of moving so that i can knock on all the doors and get to know whoever answers face to face and through that get to know people at the door and then get chatting to people in their flat if i am let in. Everyone says it is irrational. ok the guys i'm living with might not be my best mates ever, but they're good mates and i'm thinking of sacraficing living with them to go and live in a random place with strangers because i think the door knocking tactic will work to get a girl. i'm just thinking i could small talk at the door of everyone in the first week, get accquaintances, and meet a lot of girls through that tactic plus still know my mates, just lose some of the benefits of living with them. I basically agreed to live with them a few months ago though and we're soon signing a contract so i'd have to find someone else to live with them and basically think i'd feel like i'm screwing them over plus would drift apart from them. More to the point I would be going purely to meet a girl and i know there are many other ways at uni like on my course/societies etc. but i could still access them from there and i've basically convinced myself that tactic would get me to know a lot of girls and thus increase my chances of hitting it off with someone and thus i should go for it. In reality i'm probably being deluded and small talk at someones door won't actually get me anywhere or set me up for seeing them again. However in my mind i'm sure that living in the same block would be enough of a reason to get chatting to someone and get to know them well enough to be like lets chill together some other time and therefore the situation would be really convenient because i'd be able to pro-actively create opportunities to see girls again and hopefully make something happen with one of them.

In reality i think thats probably a desperately contrived tactic that wouldn't work and i'd massively regret moving away from/drifting apart from my friends just for the hypothetical idea that the grass is greener somewhere else (at least thats what people are telling me). i'm fully aware thats a symptom of depression, feeling trapped and wanting to escape but i've convinced myself that would be best for me, to move there because pro-actively going around getting to know people would way easily help my chances of meeting girls. and that knocking on them and talking face to face with no one around me and with someone i don't neccassarily have to see again is a lot easier than hoping i'll meet someone through a society or through my course, plus in those situations you couldn't as easily ask them round as you're not living with them. i want confirmation the moving idea is stupid. like why do i even need to chase that? i guess because of the void left by this girl and also my insecurity/inexperience i just feel like i want to meet a girl before the end of uni and think that would be an effective way of doing it. knocking on doors and whoever answers, guy or girl, get to know them to the point of being able to knock on them again and then chase up all possibilites to make friendships/potential relationships. in real life its probably not that easy is it? just because i live in a block with people doesn't mean they're going to take kindly to a stranger randomly knocking on the door and small talking a bit at the door. thats not enough to naturally be like lets see each other again is it? and even if it was...moving away from mates to try and make something happen with a girl in the last year of uni. it probably shouldn't even be a priority and forcing myself upon people will either leave me frustrated or i'll make something happen purely because thats why i moved in, rather than letting something naturally occur in my life.

i'm seeing a therapist and taking cognitive behavioural sessions. I want to just be happy with here and not want this drastic change but i feel like i need to in some way whereas maybe i'm just trapped in this feeling of low self-esteem and have therefore idealized this form of escape. i'm not saying i can't meet girls from here, i just think acting in that way in that situation would be a better way...maybe thats in fantasy land. also should rushing to make something happen - meet a girl, get experience etc bother me that much. also third year halls at my uni are mainly for international students/private people who don't have many friends/people getting flats together already in cliques so maybe it wouldn't even work, just in my mind enough people would be willing to meet me that its a lot more likely that situation will enhance me meeting girls over staying here and joining a society and trying to integrate myself more in to my course. i can still do those things living somewhere else anyway. however why aren't i appreciating my friends and now, i feel horrible that i'm doing that.

any advice would be welcome.

thankyou, Tom.

simplyagirl 02-13-11 08:21 AM

Okay, so I don't think you should move out and move into halls...but this is my opinion. I think if you already have friends and also if you've already promised to sign this contract with them then you should stick to your word.

As for the girl situation, I really don't think that going around knocking on doors is going to work, I personally would find it a little odd? And a bit desprate. Neither of which are qualities girls look for. I don't mean to sound harsh, you sound like a decent guy, I really think that, but if you really want to find a girl, or just experiance more that is not the way to do it. You may even get a bit of a reputation from it.

I think the best way to met a girl is to go out with friends, join societies, get to know people on your course better. Hit the pubs and clubs with friends, if you see a girl you like...talk to her, get to know her. Alternatively, if you're just looking for sex, get flirty! Haha.

But hey, who says I have all the answers! This is just what I would do...I won't take offensive if you think I am completely and utterly wrong! Haha.

GOOD LUCK :D x x x

greatestpossiblehappiness 02-15-11 01:19 PM

We've been talking about this, but I think FairyFliss articulated what I've been thinking better than I did.

simplyagirl 02-15-11 02:25 PM

greatestpossiblehappiness -I'm sure you would have done better than me...I'm not the best person at giving advice, but I try.

tb129 - I Hope our LONG discussion helped in someway, I'd still like to know what you decided in the end though, that's if you want to tell me obviously.

:hug:


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