||01-04-11 07:43 PM
How i feel like i am living in a trance
I for years have been down and out feeling a prisoner in my own mind. For starters i started having anxiety and panic attacks in junior high. I always felt like i couldnt think and focus, i always over thought all the time and it got me lost on what i was really doing and i never felt i captured in the moment always analyzingly and it seems now i am still in that mind set of living on my thoughts then really living in the moment and living a normal healthy life style. Maybe as i was a kid growing up i thought it was normal and i wasn't prescribed anything because no one thought i had a problem and as i. And now, i feel so depressed more then ever. I had friends growing up as you do and had a loving family, so.. it was all me having this problem major now it is for me, my dad said lately its not my fault i know he said that knowing i havn't got anywhere in life and always feeling tranced in a daze, not evicting to a change if that makes sense i always felt the same from always over thinking and never really feeling progressed mentally like my mental skills or cognitive skills or whichever. It's no ones fault i feel like this.. i mean my parents had sex had me and now have a troubled son, maybe it's in the gene's and they always thought i was lacking something but thought i would grow out of it who knows. Now in my life... i am 28, i feel like there's no energy or feeling's in me left maybe all from this over thinking as i kid, it must of grew on me and now left me feeling dead inside which in the back of my mind i always hated missing out on things because of my anxiety and panics, sadness, quilt of feeling different because of the way i always analylized in my mind. I so isolated myself and carried so much angry and moodiness which over powered my personallity on which i once had. I can't talk to anyone on a real level because they ask how are you i say what can i say, they ask do you have a job i say no, i havn't worked in a year and feel like over thinking/analylizing is a job. I met a girl a couple years ago whom i was so much in love with we dated for close to two years, healthy/unhealthy.. mostly i felt unhealty for me to REALLY enjoy this wonderful beautiful girl whom came into my life for the right reasons.. because i wasn't living for me to enjoy all of it, always overthinking the situation AND feeling like i ruined that moment in that moment. I loved her so much and know i lost her completing and really SHOULD of faught to keep her but it felt i was fighting my analylizing and sadness more, which i cry all the time because i don't have a career or money saved which you need to have to live and grow with a companion. See what i mean i wasted years of over analylizing and it has gotten the best of me forsure. A quote i always felt fond of was that of the late tupac shakur.. he said, i may have lived life to the fulliest and where i leave off i hope my messages(music) triggers someone to make a bigger brighter change. I feel like i havn't been living mentally/physically i feel like i have been living on a mind set of bogusiness, and i have gain more sadness, angryness, negativity always, isolation, just feeling like everyday is a struggle for me WHEN ALL I WANTED FOR MYSELF IS TO BE HAPPY, NORMAL, AND FULFILLED. One big bad factor about me lately is that i see everyone i know or use to know and i think their happy and why am i NOT. I dwelled and been so sad and down and out for so long i missed out on to much i feel. Life's a trip and the trip for me right now is like i am in a cave someone out there alone.