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downandout 01-04-11 07:43 PM

How i feel like i am living in a trance
I for years have been down and out feeling a prisoner in my own mind. For starters i started having anxiety and panic attacks in junior high. I always felt like i couldnt think and focus, i always over thought all the time and it got me lost on what i was really doing and i never felt i captured in the moment always analyzingly and it seems now i am still in that mind set of living on my thoughts then really living in the moment and living a normal healthy life style. Maybe as i was a kid growing up i thought it was normal and i wasn't prescribed anything because no one thought i had a problem and as i. And now, i feel so depressed more then ever. I had friends growing up as you do and had a loving family, so.. it was all me having this problem major now it is for me, my dad said lately its not my fault i know he said that knowing i havn't got anywhere in life and always feeling tranced in a daze, not evicting to a change if that makes sense i always felt the same from always over thinking and never really feeling progressed mentally like my mental skills or cognitive skills or whichever. It's no ones fault i feel like this.. i mean my parents had sex had me and now have a troubled son, maybe it's in the gene's and they always thought i was lacking something but thought i would grow out of it who knows. Now in my life... i am 28, i feel like there's no energy or feeling's in me left maybe all from this over thinking as i kid, it must of grew on me and now left me feeling dead inside which in the back of my mind i always hated missing out on things because of my anxiety and panics, sadness, quilt of feeling different because of the way i always analylized in my mind. I so isolated myself and carried so much angry and moodiness which over powered my personallity on which i once had. I can't talk to anyone on a real level because they ask how are you i say what can i say, they ask do you have a job i say no, i havn't worked in a year and feel like over thinking/analylizing is a job. I met a girl a couple years ago whom i was so much in love with we dated for close to two years, healthy/unhealthy.. mostly i felt unhealty for me to REALLY enjoy this wonderful beautiful girl whom came into my life for the right reasons.. because i wasn't living for me to enjoy all of it, always overthinking the situation AND feeling like i ruined that moment in that moment. I loved her so much and know i lost her completing and really SHOULD of faught to keep her but it felt i was fighting my analylizing and sadness more, which i cry all the time because i don't have a career or money saved which you need to have to live and grow with a companion. See what i mean i wasted years of over analylizing and it has gotten the best of me forsure. A quote i always felt fond of was that of the late tupac shakur.. he said, i may have lived life to the fulliest and where i leave off i hope my messages(music) triggers someone to make a bigger brighter change. I feel like i havn't been living mentally/physically i feel like i have been living on a mind set of bogusiness, and i have gain more sadness, angryness, negativity always, isolation, just feeling like everyday is a struggle for me WHEN ALL I WANTED FOR MYSELF IS TO BE HAPPY, NORMAL, AND FULFILLED. One big bad factor about me lately is that i see everyone i know or use to know and i think their happy and why am i NOT. I dwelled and been so sad and down and out for so long i missed out on to much i feel. Life's a trip and the trip for me right now is like i am in a cave someone out there alone.

seek206 01-04-11 08:36 PM

Hey, I understand what your are talking about. I'm always in my head think about why the way I am and why the hell am I not like everyone else around me. For me, its light my over thinking has turned into a stop light for my life that has not changed from red for the past 7 years of my life. Trust me, you are not the only one who feels the same way. One of the biggest thing that has helped me feel better my over analyzing was realizing that I need to stop comparing myself to other people. That is probably the worst part about over analyzing everything. Just watching other people have success in their lives while I feel like I have been standing still for the past 7 years. I still do it now but I try and stop myself once I start comparing myself to other people. They are who they are and you are who you are. Just because they are another human being doesn't mean that they are living the same life as you. You had different parents, families, childhoods, and and infinite number of differences between them. I still over think to this day and you can probably tell my this post but at least I can have some internal serenity realizing that fact. So the best of luck to you.

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