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3daystodecide 12-29-10 11:27 PM

The cringe factor
 
This is kind of embarrassing but since no one can see my face I guess it's a bit easier. Umm I'm not the most sexually experienced person in the world, brought up Roman Catholic, youngest daughter, five older brothers, over protective mother...well you get the picture.

I first had sex (a one night stand) about 1 1/2 years ago, bled a bit didn't really think anything of it since it was my first time and that's considered the norm. Anyway I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and I must admit lonliness and I had another one night stand. Emotionally I feel as though I can hardly recognise myself, I wasn't brought up to act this way and I'm starting to go down a spiral of self-hatred. Physically I can't believe I've done this too myself, my own stupidity is over-whelming and is hard to believe. If I could step out of myself, I would beat the crap out of me.

The guy didn't use a condom and I am so worried...aids, std's, pregnancy is just a few of my worries. It also hurt more than the first time, since it went much longer and any lingering innocence I had has been pretty much stripped clean. I'm not a little girl and hate myself for being so irresponsible with my health. After sex I noticed I was bleeding and that went on for two days but has since restarted. I'm so scared he's torn something, the pain afterwards was unbelievable and hurt so much more than the first time. I'm almost scared of sex now and don't think I could go through that again.

I can't talk to my mum because she would think I was a slut and I couldn't stand to see the look of dissappointment on her face and I don't want to talk to my friend because she's a nurse and always takes a condescending tone with me. I wish I could take it all back, I can't believe how much I hate myself.

Mooky 12-30-10 02:21 AM

Its done, you cant do anything about it now. It doesn't make you a bad person, everyone makes stupid mistakes sometimes. Learn from this, understand that one night stands are not what you want and treat yourself with respect. Value your health and realise that this is risky behaviour and could have very serious consequences. You need to go to a doctor to get yourself checked out, make sure you dont have any STDs and so on. I think you need to talk to someone tho. Your mistakes don't define you, you are still a good person even if you made a few bad mistakes. Dont be so hard on yourself.

Mooky 12-30-10 02:21 AM

*hugs*

3daystodecide 12-30-10 03:59 AM

Thanks Mooky. I know that one night stands aren't for me...I guess that's why I get so pissed off with myself when I let it happen. My friend tells me that this is life but it's not the life I want. Sometimes I get so scared and lonely I just want to forget but doing stupid things and not taking responsibility for myself is crap.

I've recently found out I suffer from general anxiety, no big panic attacks more like mini ones all the time. The thought of going to a doctor to get the necessary tests and so forth is making me want to puke in a bucket. I'm also scared that my depression will start to kick in again big time. I know I need to take control of my life but it's been a hard struggle.

Thanx for the support.

laneblade 12-30-10 05:44 AM

Yeah you definitely need to get checked out. I have a monogamous relationship and have had lots of sex but once it hurt unbelievably and I bled for a month. Turned out I had polyps that had to be removed. Going for a checkup is really no big deal. Doctors see that type of stuff all the time and won't bat an eyelash. So just ask for an STD test and anything that can go along with it because I think there is one that isn't normally included in a standard test. Just remember that it's never too late to decide that one night stands aren't for you and you shouldn't feel shameful or self hating for your past. They were experiences that you learned from and can now move on. Hell you can even reclaim your virginity until you meet the right guy. It's all in your state off mind. And don't let one douche bag ruin sex for you. Just because he was inconsiderate and didn't use a condom and didn't take it easy on you doesn't mean that all guys are that way. Maybe you should get a dildo and practice. I personally love the rabbit. It's got a little vibrator that tickles the sweet spot while being inserted and rotating. You wouldn't believe that I was raise in private christian schools where I had bible class everyday huh? I also used to be a-sexual. Didn't have any interest in sex or even self exploration. It's a perfectly natural thing though and should be enjoyed while you can enjoy it. I hope that the douche bag didn't turn you off from sex completely. Have fun with it even if it's by yourself. Good luck with your checkup and remember to relax. :hug::hug::hug:

HopelessDesire 12-30-10 03:05 PM

the bleeding can be normal..even for non virgins with vaginal tearing..not to scare you with with hiv tests they take a bit to be reconizible, due to how it is tested..neways good luck with everything

3daystodecide 12-30-10 07:35 PM

Hi guys,
yeah I know I need to get checked out, I'm trying to find a female GP since I currently have no doctor...one that bulk bills since I am currently unemployed:( The problem might of been that I was already re-virginized I hadn't had sex for 18 months, which I told him hoping that he would be more gentle but that didn't work out. He was going at it like I was a seasoned pro...guys just don't care. It was my second sexual encounter and I must admit I am a bit traumatized by the whole experience. I don't think it's right, well atleast right for me to do all those things with someone you don't know. I'm so Catholic I want to rush to church and confess my sins, the religious guilt thing is unbelievable. I hate myself and really want nothing to do with my body.

The depression and anxiety is starting to hit me again and my baby budgie is slowly dying. I know some people won't be able to understand but just watching him slowly passing away is killing me. The pain in my chest won't go away and I feel as though I have nothing.

nanobelle 12-30-10 08:08 PM

Sex isn't meant to hurt...if it does he's doing it wrong. Foreplay is meant to help with any discomfort and get you into the mood. If you feel scared or in pain by all means tell him to stop and if he doesn't kick him out of your bed and out of your life. A one night stand doesn't have to ruin the rest of your life. Insist on a condom and don't worry about your lack of experience. Sex should be fun for the both of you and there's nothing wrong with that.

3daystodecide 12-30-10 10:59 PM

Everytime I've had sex it's almost been in a frenzy, I don't know what's getting them so worked up but it's not me. In fact I would prefer it if they just calmed down and took it slower. You read all these magazines articles about how to turn a man on, I would rather read an article how to calm them the hell down. He was way bigger than me and I found it hard to be assertive...a common problem with me and an even bigger problem when you're naked and vulnerable.

Foreplay seems like a dream and guys usually just run over me like a train. I know it's not all his fault that I have to stand up for my rights, definitely insist on him using a condom and saying no if not comfortable. Everytime I try to talk guys usually start kissing me to shut me up. Sometimes it does feel like rape but a rape you allow which makes it that much worse. I was stupid I wanted to be close to someone, I wanted to feel less alone even for a little while. My brothers have been putting down my looks and yes I was worried that no one would ever love me. I needed reassurance but this wasn't the way to get it.

Two adults saying yes to sleeping together is great.....but its not me....well its not the me I want to be. I really don't think I could repeat the experience, now I'm scared of it...the pain etc...its just not worth it. My sister and friend love sex, enjoy it, rave about it but now even if I like a guy...I know where it all leads. Nice or not sooner or later the guy wants to sleep with you....I so don't want to do it anymore...I mean their enjoying themselves and you have pain. I'm so scared that if I ever had sex again that I will bleed each time, be in pain each time...how will that ever be enjoyable or worth it?

Mooky 12-31-10 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3daystodecide (Post 560279)
I'm so Catholic I want to rush to church and confess my sins, the religious guilt thing is unbelievable.

Why don't you go to confession? Maybe you'll feel better. I was brought up catholic although I am not anymore, but if I remember correctly the priest taking your confession is not allowed to tell anyone about it? You have nothing to lose, maybe you'll feel less guilty about it.


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