"The whole picture"
 

So after months and months of research i figured out what kind of depression i have.Since psychotherapists are way to expensive for me i did my own research of what is wrong with me.This is the conclusion.
I always kinda knew and had a feeling i cant be fixed,but after reading about Dysthymia and that is a lifelong disorder it all "clicked in" so having dysthymia+Bipolar now i know i will never be better i always did knew but now im 110% sure.
What i also know there is no way i can spend my life like this.
Its impossible for a person to live like this.
It feels kinda good feels liberating untill now there was like 1% chance to get better and hold on now i know what is to be done.
All i need now is to get a way to commit suicide. I will celebrate the new year see the ppl i know and get drunk with them see them for the last time and say my goodbye and hopefully after new year i will have the bravery to do what i need to do.
As im typing this a very strange feeling goes thrue my body feeling of peace and calmness feels good.Nothing felt this good in years.

It is impossible for a person to live like that. But you don't have to live like it without help or support. Please go to your Dr and see if you can get some help, medication and/or therapy. Do they offer this in your Country?

Dunno i do know nothing is free in this shithole so i cant afford it even if i could i dont want to.Pills wont make me better that is a lie they will just numb me.

I feel similar to you in the respect that I do not want medication to treat my depression. Honestly, I am afraid of how the medication will effect me. But, there are a couple things that you need to consider.

One, is that depression is a chemical "error" in your mind. While it seems like you should be able to just get over it, strong will can only get you so far. At least look into speaking with a doctor before you jump to any conclusions about therapy or medications.

and

Two, It is clear that you have friends and people who care for you. Even if you feel that you are completely alone, it is only because you are not paying close enough attention. Everyone feels alone at times and it feels so much worse when you hurt inside and think that there is no one to communicate with. But, imagine anyone of the people who you know cares about you(I am positive that you can imagine someone). Now think how they will feel if you kill yourself. How terrible would you feel if someone close to you took their life? At least for me,and I believe most people, I would feel that I failed them. Because of that, I feel that suicide is very selfish, an action that effects everyone around more than yourself.

What do you think?

Matthew

From what i understood dystimia cant be cured it can be eased with pills but it will always be there,until the day i die.Only ppl what would suffer for me is my mother and none else.My father told me few years back that im so pathetic i should kill myself and he was 100% right.And my mom would suffer for a few years if i stay alive i would have to suffer 30-40 years more.Its not fair to ask that from me.
I know you hear this every day on the forums but i rly have nothing to keep me here.I dont have a job i like doing,i dont have friends that understand me,i have no education,and the one thing im sure it would make me feel better not cured but better is a girlfriend not cuz of the sex but i would rly like to have someone to talk to,hug and wake up next to but considering im a coward who never had a GF with his 26 years that train has passed.
I will "celebrate" my last new year and i rly hope by then i will be brave enough (something i never been) to finish this crap pile called life.

I have done the "girlfriend" thing. It really is a morale boost to have someone who is always close to you. I am sure you have already heard this, but everything follows cycles. There are highs and lows and having a girlfriend is the same way.

You are upset because your life is not how you want it. It is something that is completely understandable. But, if you really have no strings attached, you are in the perfect situation to drastically change your life. You do not like your job, go find a new one. You don't have close friends, go make some. The part that is hard to see is that no matter how sad and alone you feel, there is someone feeling worse and they are waiting for someone that understands them.

Nope dont work that way in the country i live in filled with fucking morons,its easy to change jobs in a normal country not in this shithole.Ofc having a girlfriend dont make things perfect im not that naive but still i would love to have one.Knowing there is someone actually worst then me dont make me feel better it makes me feel even worst.I never understood that word "there is someone who has it worst then you" should that make us feel better?Cuz its stupid to feel better if someone is worst then you its selfish.

"there is someone who has it worst then you" should not make you feel better because of their situation, it is just a reminder that you are not alone and that it is important to reach out to people.

How do you mean" it doesn't work that way"? What is keeping you from changing your situation?

I live in a 3rd world country destroyed by war there rly is no job change here even if you have a job its good cuz its hard to find any kind of job.Now i have no college or education so my job is limited to two options bartender and cleaner i would prefer to work as a cleaner since i would not have to be around ppl that much but that is mostly reserved for woman's.So im stuck with one job choice and that is all.