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Chrono88 09-22-10 03:11 AM

Miserable and alone...
I'm sick of this. I have isolated myself from people so long so now I'm completely alone. I've been living in fear of rejection and I somehow thought that being alone would make things better. It's actually caused more pain than I thought. I'm constantly forced to live a robotic, mechanical life. I don't even attend college anymore since I've managed to screw that up so badly and I'm fearful of even getting a job since I'm completely incompetent and will never measure up with other people's expectations.

I think of all of the times I was teased and rejected by people and all the times I hid myself from people because I knew they would reject me. Then, I see my younger brother with all of his friends, and girlfriend and hearing how everyone loves him, and how everyone always tells him how wonderful he is etc, when all I ever knew was bullshit from people. I was always hated. By my peers, teachers, the school authority....everyone. I never did anything to hurt anyone, yet there was always hostility towards me. I was always nothing but polite to people, but no one ever gave me a fucking chance. They just kicked me and threw me to the ground like I was garbage. It was because of this that I became increasingly shyer over the years, eventually starting to completely avoid any contact with people.

Now here I am. A disaster. I have no reason to wake up in the morning and I can't even motivate myself to get out of bed. I want someone to talk to desperately. I am already starting to lose my mind. I'm going to chat rooms, web forums and facebook groups and just hoping that someone will acknowledge me in any kind of way. I feel so alone in this miserable life and I don't know what to do anymore. There is no way for me to go to an actual social group because I have no way of getting anywhere.

Just for once I would like to know what it feels like to actually be accepted and loved. I've never had a girlfriend, let alone even KISSED a girl before, which saddens and disgusts me. I feel like a loser and a worthless sham for living like this, but I don't know what to do. I feel so lost....

BadDad 09-22-10 06:34 AM

I feel for you man, i really do... I've been there so many times... No offence but... do you have a weight prob or do you have a phisical diformaty or something that you believe makes you ugly or feel ugly and easierly rejectable? The more you hide yourself from the rest of the world the more the rest of the world just flys off without you, just asif you were dead which makes you feel even worse. Being alone also badly affects your social skills further making you seem weird to others when you do actually socialise. I really wish i could help you, im in a similar situation. I never had a brother but i'd imagine that would have made me feel alot worse to compete with a younger brother. Try to have a "if you cant beat them join them" attitude. Excersize, get muscular (dont do it myself, lazyness). Get away from your home town for a bit, it resets you to live in a compeltly difffernt place, a different country even. Go do something forfilling like one of those trips to third world countries to help locals build infastructure, schools, well's etc. lots of groups do them, check the net. I was very shy and kinda depressed in my late teens living in the UK but living in the USA and being around new and very different people gave me such a huge boost in self-esteem and confidence. My accent and the way i spoke was a sort of turn-on for women (sounds weird i know but it worked). When you come back to your home town you'll feel completly different. I say all this and I've done all this and here I still am 10 years later back to square one again, I dont really go out, dont have hardly any friends etc. etc. But it did work in my late teens... Just dont take love for granted when you do find it. One things for certian though... nice guys DEFFINATLY finish last.

depressed 09-22-10 11:20 PM

Chrono, it's never too late to change your life. i wish the people in this world weren't so cruel but there are nice people out there too. you will never know if you don't put yourself out there.

lonelyguy 09-22-10 11:57 PM

don't focus on the negative, no matter how hard you try it's impossible to feel bad all the time.

the more positive things you do, the better life will be and you'll feel good because of it

Onizuka 09-24-10 02:54 PM

are you housebound also? i have a similar situation and i pretty much dont have any social contact at all.. its a little different cause i wasnt treated like dirt for an entire lifetime.. (although believe me i hit some hardcore snags with dirt treating) theres always been people that recognized me for ... whatever they saw. but i pushed away everything because i felt i wasnt living up to expectations, i believe its all an illusion tho >.< im fcking myself the world isnt against us its just in my head the hard part is fighting my stupidity believing that there is no love anywhere and everyone is EVILLL and wants to suck me up and spit me back out

anyway its a little rambly that and im new... so sorry if its crappy to read :P

but the similarity we both share is mechanical feeling of life. like the nine inch nails song and the lyrics say "every day is exactly the same" i flunked all schools my story is complicated and its not all negative its just an unfortunate series of events. recently i discovered i have a lot of anger its inward and it affects my behavior and impedes my positivity and ability to tackle the general challenges of life i suppose.. it was like that for a long time unchecked and i just held on a mask in public before i caved :S as for the girls thing yes -_- that one sucks i had my chances but just pushed them away before i even had a chance to begin a relationship a decent one, fear of my own incapabilities and inability to stand strong and be what im supposed to be

Notspecial 08-24-21 11:55 PM

I have anger towards mother who seems to favor my brothers over me-to hell with her-i've stopped caring and also to this brother of mine who doesn't give a damn to care about my feelings or hides from me and treats me like a liar. I would like to give the middle finger to him too. It hurts a lot. I have felt miserable at times as a result. I feel useless compared to them. There's another relative I hate too who is off in another far away state. That little bitch can rot. She treated me like my life was a bad one. I wouldn't want her taint around me. laughs. I'm trying to let go of the hurt little by little. I try not to hang onto it for I know it's destructive.

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