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createchange 01-16-10 12:33 AM

Love of my life pushing me away b/c of depression... help?
 
Okay, long story short, we would have been together for 2 years feb 4th. Things were goings great, but over the summer he found out he has two herniated discs in his back... He's only 21 and an EMT who's constantly on his feet!!!!!! This was the final straw on the camelís back for him (he's had a history of family problems and mixed with not knowing what he wants to do with his life, it really affected him.)
About a month ago he broke up with me, but really didn't give me a clear answer, he said things like he was dragging me down, and everything wrong in my life was his fault. He said he didn't want to hurt me so he wanted some alone time. I was super confused because I thought we were doing good, sure I noticed he was a little down lately, but I kept telling him he should go see the school councilor with me and that he helped tons. He told me he wasn't breaking up with me because he didn't love me or thought I changed, he just needed time to sort his head out. I asked him if there was a chance of us getting back together and he kept saying I want to say yes, but idk right now. (I actually got him to say itís not over once.) He said that we would still be exclusive (not see other people) and that he still slept with the teddy I got him for Valentineís Day.
I decided after reading many websites about breakups that I'd give him is space and not contact him. Every week he at least sent me one message usually about something random that reminded him of me.
Two Thursdayís ago I got a text from him asking if we could meet up and talk.. We arranged to meet on Tuesday and an hour later I got another text from him where he said he missed me and he missed us and said he was sorry for not really talking with me.
Tuesday comes along and I really have my hopes up, I'm thinking he started sorting through what he needed to go through and wants to come back. We go to lunch (his treat) and talk for about two hours about anything and everything but us. He kept asking me about how I was feeling and doing and making sure I was okay, but the minute Iíd ask about him he's just say he was fine. His eyes seemed so sad the whole time like he's had no rest or sleep. He told me that his back has been in constant pain for the past 2 weeks, so bad he's legs felt numb. He also said he got rid of a lot of stress in his life, but he got rid of the stress he needs in his life. he pushed me away, he doesn't go to the squad anymore which used to be his baby, he's not going to school next semester, and he barely see's his friends and just stays home and plays video games.
Finally we go outside and he gives me like our 5th hug/long embrace where he catches me hands when I let go... I finally asked him what that text meant.. and he said that me missed me and that he can't just forget two years... then I told him I couldnít be friends with him because I needed to work on myself. I saw his heart sank and he said I needed to do what was right for me.
Then I said I guess I just expected today to go differently because I still had hope for us, then he says HE STILL HAS HOPE FOR US TOO!! I got so confused and asked him why then we canít be together and why we had to break up?
He said it didnít have to do anything with me and that he felt different.. Not about us, about him.. That he felt bitter, unmotivated, and unworthy. I asked him if he thought that's who he's becoming? He said he hopes not. I told him thatís not who heís becoming, but just what heís dealing with currently.
Then he told me that he broke up with me/canít get back together because heís afraid of hurting me and that heís afraid that Iím going to get in between him and his ďdemons.Ē I told him that he canít hurt me and that I wouldnít be getting in the middle of them, I would just be on the sidelines cheering him on. He also said heís afraid of the stress from the relationship coming back and making him worst. I told him that our past relationship is ďdeadĒ and over and that from this moment on, if we were to try again, we would start over new with a clean slate. He seemed to want to give in, but something was still holding him back. We left with him wiping away a tear and telling me to do whatís best for me. Previously he gave me a hug and said all choked up if you need to move on, then move on. I got the vibe that he thought Iíd be able to start doing so this minute so I told him it wasnít going to be easy and it was going to take a while so donít be afraid to call me when you figure everything out. He told me he would call when that time came, hopefully sooner then later. I drove away from him in the parking lot and felt really bad.
At the time I didnít notice just how upset and depressed he seemed. If I had noticed maybe I wouldnít have been so stern with him. Right now I think Iím going to give him a couple more weeks (meaning one or two) before contacting him and getting together again.
I donít want him to think Iím gone or abandoning him, so Iím going to make sure he knows I canít give up on him and Iím here for him, but he has to let me inÖ
He told me he has no one supporting and helping him through this currently and that scares me. I now see that meeting as a sign for help; I just donít know how to help him without driving him further away.
Any advice on how I can go about doing so?

DifferentUserName 01-16-10 03:50 AM

Hi. The worst thing you can do for a depressed person is giving them space. When a person is depressed, sometimes, they don't think very clearly and their thought process can, perhaps, even do more harm than good.

Quote:

he felt bitter, unmotivated, and unworthy.
What you wrote about sums it up. Along with unworthy, some people even feel irrational and unreasonable self-hatred.

Sweetie, why don't you send him a text message everyday even if he doesn't reply?

Just "Hi _his name_, it's _date today_, thinking of you and hope you are doing well. From _your name_" Or email. Or phone call. Or something else.

You still want him and he still wants you. Maybe, you can even visit him? Knock on his door?

Quote:

he barely see's his friends and just stays home and plays video games.
Yeah. He's isolating himself. I say, you visit him, sweetie.

You love him, and even if the romantic part doesn't work out-- at least he'll be reminded that he has someone who cares about him: you.

createchange 01-16-10 01:22 PM

Thank you, that was extremely helpful.
I think I'm going to text him later on today and tell him I can't give up on him and see if he wants to meet up.

I'm just afraid he's going to push me away even more and not have anyone help him.

I know him wanting to meet up with me was a call for help, I wish I realized it at the time. I know he still loves me and he wants us to work, he's pushing me away because he's afraid of hurting me and just wants me to be happy.

I'm thinking about taking him on a hike. Have him get out in nature and experience something he hasn't done in a while. I'm also working on a CD for him with all uplifting songs like "lean on me" and Hootie and the Blowfish's "hold my hand"
Hopefully we can meet up soon and I can help him get the help he needs.

StrutsUK 01-22-10 02:49 PM

Can`t offer much advise but reading your post hit home, in may i had the same thing 2 herniated discs, but also a severed nerve in my left leg pinched between the 2 discs could not walk for 4 weeks and was on 2 strong painkillers and a sedative. since then i have hardly left the house obviously i can no longer work but i can`t get sick money as they say i can do an office job but i have no skills for that. The depression has been incredible coming on almost overnight, since then i`ve barely seen any friends or family and am not missing them as it seems more important for me to stay indoors. If he is feeling like i do it`s probably just hard for him to live normal again and all the pills don`t help, just keep in contact with him and hope he gets through it, he has the benefit or having a caring partner and he`s got to appreciate that even if he don`t show it. I never realised back pain could do this until it happened to me

b0ris 01-24-10 07:54 AM

Hey I can sympathise with the thread starters bf & with StrutsUK too, as I discovered that after suffering with what I believed to be sciatica in my legs (sharp pain running down to the knees & loss of feeling in my thighs) it actually turned out to be a slipped disc that had protruded out from the vertibrae & was touching nerves running down my legs. I'd suffered for a yr & a half with a slipped disc before finally finding out what it was.
Its hard when you suffer with back pain especially when you're young because it completely stops you in your tracks. It was definatley 1 of the reasons I slipped into depression. It made me feel worthless & weak, & my job doesnt help due to the manual lifting sometimes expected & the macho idiots I work with.

To createchange: I'm not saying that what he's doing is right, but he probably feels like his life is over. Try & stick with him. He does really need you. I pushed my partner away, & when I finally told her & realised that I needed her support she had moved on & met someone else, & that made me even worse.
It still affects me even now.


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