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Notspecial 07-23-21 01:15 AM

am hoping for someone's therapy to heal self esteem
I notice i have had trouble with self esteem since my early twenties. I remember being bullied for funny mannerisms and speech by my own father and also scorned and discarded later by him when I was taking care of him in his later years. He often felt forced to listen to him whether he was criticizing me or not and there were a lot of times he would tear me down. He often compared me to his dead sister who he thought was great. I hated it when he did that. I don't miss him when I think of how I was treated. He did his best to mold me in some model that he wanted me. Also I hated it when this one sibling didn't seem to accept me, and he often gloated over my reactions to things and bullied me terribly over mannerisms and speech. I often had some other people who made fun of my interests too. Then I had this roommate at camp who scorned me and practially laughed at me when I was sad. i fucking hated that bitch who was so nice when she wanted something but wouldn't do a damn favor for me, and the fact that one camp director favored her over me. My mother over time would compare me to my siblings and think they were better and accomplished more. I have felt damaged in this manner and have had trouble with thinking much of anything positive about myself because of all this. I'm wondering how I can heal. I suffered so much in my young years from this. I used to feel so good about life when I was a growing kid and then my self esteem seriously deteriorated from age twenty on. That's how bad it got. If someone could give me some kind of therapy over this, I would appreciate it. It has affected my life to this last year. I couldn't seem to stand it if I was having a bad time because I just knew that I would be kicked when i was down, and gloated over. I'm tired of feeling beneath some of them if you get me. I notice I have had rage and self hatred as a result of all this. I have had difficulties with thinking happy thoughts because of being down so often. I have this feeling like I have to be on top of it all or I'll feel less than. That's how it affects me today.

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