spinning.. TENSE.. stupid responsibility..
tense. tense tense tense tense tense tense....
therapy today we talked about responsibility + how the very idea even overwhelms me.. an therapist stuff like how I was responsible for myself and my Mom / family when when i was young... could technically take care of myself at 8 or 10 years.. (my Mom as well)
like I remember being 11, and coming home from school... house was empty, door was open.. mom's car was there.. so i knew she was next door at the neighbor's house.. I went there and found my Mom drunk...
I then yelled at my busy body neighbor (who I knew just wanted things to gossip about to the neighborhood busybodies)
I told this grown woman that she had no business getting my Mom drunk (as if my Mom was an innocent child) :P - told her off... and said that she didn't have to take Mom home and deal with her moods and put her to bed + stuff..
I was really mad...
bc this was normal to me. This somehow was my job... I took care of her, listened to her vent/feelings.. and was invisible myself...
Idk. I guess I've always had to be responsible.. without ever being taught how... instead my Mom - to this day - will yell at me if i haven't paid a bill or whatever... says I'm irresponsible + that i have to get my act together, but she - she lives paycheck to paycheck herself + doesn't how to do any different herself...
Idk. I'm trying to learn... on my own, as I always have...
and I'm just so frustrated, and so tired...
so very tired... just tense and scared and overwhelmed...
and I have all these bad thoughts... yelling at myself...
Idk I just feel lost and stuck and alone + I feel like I can't ever get out of this...
my therapist says that this is probably how I felt as a kid.. with the adult stuff that i had to deal with,... of course i'd be overwhelmed by "responsibility" - it wasn't something I was ever supposed to have to handle...
so, idk... I guess I think that I'm 10 years old again, Idk...
I'm just spinning today... have to dothis and this and oh yeah tomorrow I need to bring and thursday I need to wear and make and I have to pay this.....
*sigh* yes, I could make a list, but even the list is overwhelming...
I'm spinning - even dance class was frustrating... and I'm having a hell of a time not feeling alone + way overwhelmed +
+ then I always go to that other side - yelling at myself, saying I'm not good enough - the old stuff that I'm used to... the old familiar identity... that just makes me sad bc it means that I'm so mean to myself
makes me want to go away, stop feeling this...
it's just so hard to breathe like this
+ I don't want to post this
no one needs to read...
Idk. I'll try to breathe...
I feel alone... unheard..
(angry at self... yelling.. angry at world... don't want to post.. not worthy.. ugh. ridiculous. I'm just ridiculous)
♥ . .(((((hug))))))
You could take care of me if you want....
There are plenty of us who'd be entertained seeing how far we can push you... I bet you've met a few.
Go take a day off... go to the zoo, or the aquarium (the Shedd rocks), buy yourself an ice cream, be a kid a little while, treat yourself, mourn what you weren't allowed.
Sorry your feeling down.
(((((HUGS)))) Try to take it easy straw
I get like this sometimes...just...overwhelmed with it all.
Just breathe, and take each day as it comes. Go easy on yourself for a while and know that this feeling of spinning out of control will slowly pass.
It sounds like you had so much to deal with as a kid. :-(
Thinking of you.
I think you are very responsible, Straw.
Much more than you think, and even more than you need to be sometimes.
I wish your mom's thoughts would leave your mind.
It is really hipocrate of her saying how you are irresponsible when she was acting like she did.. I guess she has no faults in her own eyes?
I wonder why all this overwhelms you so.. Are you afraid of not doing it good enough? Afraid that if you don't do things the right way, people will stop loving you, people will think you are bad?
It is not correct though.
None of us thinks these things about you.
We are all human beings.
We all have struggles and problems to deal with, and we all have too much to deal with sometimes.
You will get through this.
I know you will.
You are stronger than you think, and you know more about how to handle things than you think. Maybe you are going back to when you were younger and didn't know? Is that some kind of defense? Idk? (I'm just guessing here)..
Love you, Straw.
Here to help. Always.
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