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Newgirl 07-07-21 11:03 AM

Hi I need some advice please
Hi All,

I was after some advice. Firstly i know people will think im crazy but please listen and hear me out.

So basically i met my boyfriend at 21 years old. We are now 30. We have never lived together (Its not that we didnt want to , we didnt have the money for a house) Now we do and he says things like oh we will get there. We only saved up enough last year what with covid etc. This is all good and well. But I have been wanting a place for ages. He did mention renting but i thought it was dead money so we decide not to. The thing is he never says oh lets view this house or what about this one. It me saying those things......

I feel he doesnt want to move in with me as he likes living at home and doing his own routine. Now he says he does wanna move in but the last time we looked at house he wanted to give my details so i could deal with it all and no estate agents agents contact him? I was working all week , then he said oh maybe i should of given mine as he was off.

The thing is ...... I dunno i just feel so unhappy. I am depressed i dont really have any family or friends and the 1 person i did have has passed away. I wish i was dead i feel i cant go on with life.

I met this guy at 21 and to be honest in a relationship it has to be 50/50. I know the past is the past and that. But sometimes I feel he lets me down. We have been dating for 9 years and he texts me once a week and sees me on a weekend. i wouldnt mind be he only lives 15mins away from me, When i question that he mentions his ex saying oh when i saw her more the relationship it ended etc.

I just cant understand it, its like he bought a new car, i knew he was gunna do but he never asked for my advice, he asked everyone else but me. When we go out to place sometimes there isnt much convo flowing and we end up arguing.

I think it must be me, dont get me wrong he isnt a bad person but i cant understand it, this is my first ever relationship i mean is it OK for it to be like this? I thought if you loved someone then you would see them alot, even if its not everyday , you'd at least text say good morning or good night everyday etc.

It last last night it was my turn to text and it was late but i felt that he wasnt saying much and trying to get rid of me. He says he wants a child and marriage. but sometimes i look around and think how can you be committed to me if this is how it is.

I believe him when he says he loves me and wants a life but how can you when you are in a permeant routine that you dont break from at all.

Its like me i dont feel sexy or wanted. I dont want to be to mushy. But i thought sex was meant to be something special. sometimes its like rushed.

Like i say this is hard for me to talk about as he is the only guy i've known or loved, but in side this is killing me. i have brought up a few times over the last few years about im not happy and he always says dont worry we will get there we have worked hard for our future.

I get that but just because we have a join account or see it each on the weekends it doesnt mean that everything will be ok does it.

What i want to know is if its me.....? I said to him if you dont want to get a house with me i'll buy on my own , he was like i do and then he said we can get a flat. so you want a flat but not a house??? I know we have never lived together but he never said to me ' look i know you think its dead money so lets try it for a few months and see if we can get a house.

i just dont know what is going on. It like he doesnt tell me things , im always the last to find out. why? he said i dont tell anyone anything. I guess its the way he is so i either except it or leave. I thought if someone loved you they would make a effort.
i guess he is stubborn but he needs to understand he has a woman that loves him so why does he acknowledge or commit.

Things werent always like this but in the last 2years its been bad.

Any advice? Is it me? Can i try harder? do better?


daftone 07-08-21 08:28 PM

Hi Newgirl.

I have some quick thoughts.

It's very easy for anyone and maybe perhaps especially men to get locked into and stuck on a routine.
It's possible to break out but I really do think we as creatures get addicted to habits. And if those habits are particularly detrimental to your development it can be even harder to break.
It's possible that he doesn't realize he is stuck right now, and he might not on his own.

If he's trying to get rid of you late at night it's possibly out of a genuine need or desire to sleep.
I can certainly get cranky when I am in that mode of just wanting to close my eyes and someone is trying to talk to me.

It's hard to say if it's really you because you are the one painting the picture. You could be accidentally leaving out important details. That being said it seems like you have legitimate frustrations and he might need something to wake him up to those frustrations. I'm not sure how you've tried to approach him about these frustrations that you haven't already.

I'm hesitant to tell you to just leave him, but looking at it from your perspective, it does feel like things are heading in that direction.

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