I don't know what I'm about to write or even why I'm writing this but I really need to vent and I need help. BADLY.
I have been depressed since my early school days because of my weight and never really had a "normal" childhood. I socially repressed myself for much of my childhood by playing video games as a method of coping. Never really was great at that too but I guess it was enough for me to forget about all the bullying in school when I came home.
After holding back all these feelings in for years, I confessed to my parents more than a year ago. I visited a psychiatrist and began therapy. Parents were "supportive" the first few days but a week after confessing, my father himself "confessed." He kept telling me I had no reason to be depressed and I was only pretending to avoid school. Maybe he was right. I don't know. I've never liked schools anyways because I've always been bullied, by friends as well as teachers. Anyways, I was consumed by rage and anger almost immediately. Had my mother not restrained me, I would have killed myself right there "out of spite" to prove my father wrong.
After years of depression, I finally thought things were starting to get better a few months ago. It stopped being such a chore for me to even get out of bed and I was starting to be more active in general. Lo and behold, fast forward to a month ago, the depressive feelings have returned. I had to try so hard to even develop a morning ritual/habit of getting out of bed and brushing my teeth, and now I feel like my grip's slipping and I find myself questioning even this habit.
I don't have any true friends. In school, I was bullied, so, even though I talked with a few, I never really connected to anyone as a true friend except 1 person. I considered this 1 person my best friend but we slowly lost touch. We haven't talked for years and I've yet to find myself "a true friend." All I've wanted for years is a dog. At least then I'd have a true friend who'd love me unconditionally but my parents still refuse. I've tried explaining this to them but they are just unwilling to understand. Often I feel like I should kill myself just out of spite so that they would finally begin to understand that I'm hurting. It's almost as if they can't even see that I'm hurting, let alone understand my pain.
I have no real life skills at all. Most of the people I used to go to school with (including my bullies) seem to be doing well in life. They do new and exciting stuff all the time. Meanwhile I'm always stuck at home with nothing to do because I have no real life skills and am socially inept. It just feels like everyone except me is just so engaged, active and well off in a lot of things whereas I have nothing to show as achievement.
I also always wake up feeling like shit every day. I can't remember the last time I woke up not feeling like shit. Every day's the same: I wake up feeling tired and like I barely slept regardless of how long I sleep. Doctor prescribed anxiety pills to help me go to sleep but they never worked either.
Besides no real life skills, I am not good at studies as well. I have not played video games for years now so obviously not good at that either. I am not good (not even talking about exceptional) at anything at all. I literally just exist. I have no skills at all. I exist just to exist is all.
Therapy's been closed since the Covid 19 lockdown and therapist hasn't even bothered giving me a call at the very least in over 10 months. Maybe they don't care if I'm dead or alive after all. Just another test subject for them to practice on.
Everyone I talk to is just such a fucking energy drainer. No one appreciates the energy I have to invest to even just talk to them. Maybe when I kill myself all of these fuckers will understand my pain. Fuck all these people. I truly hate them and I hate myself for being born into this life. I don't think I can manage to hold on like I've been doing for the past few years if my situation goes further down the drain. I've tried medical help. I've tried therapy. Nothing works.
All I want is a single day of waking up without feeling like shit and having a real friend to talk to and maybe even taking a dog to a dog park.
I have had a terrible childhood myself, my best friend tried to get me killed at 8 years old. I went to his house for chicken, and i think he has been to my house. He led me to a shed where people that i have had problems with, had a knife, but i quickly ran out of the shed. Its traumatic in a way, but i do not dwell on it. Its best to forget our childhoods and sow seeds for our future.
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