I. Cant. Fucking. Take. It. Anymore.
Here I lay,
Months later.. Still feeling like absolute shit.. My testosterone is absolutely in the shitter and none of my fucking doctors want to touch it because their worried it's a much more serious under lying issue due to my medical past with it being as low as it is at my age. They're worried if they pump me full of testosterone it's going to mask or cover up the real issue, whatever that may be. They want to refer me out to an endocrinologist, Which the ball was dropped on and now I won't even know anything about seeing an Endo for at least another week. I have been out of work for almost 3 months, Which I don't really give a shit about because I hate my fucking job and was on the verge of leaving it anyway.. I've done several interviews and am sitting anxiously by hoping one of them comes through. As you can imagine with literally being stuck around the house for almost 3 months my money has almost entirely dried up and I am literally pinching pennies to pay my bills every month. I've stupidly blown through about $800 worth of my fucking savings and nest egg I had sat aside.
It's taking everything in my physical being not to go off on my family like a madman and with my testosterone being as low as it is, It's incredibly dangerous to my health not to mention the damage it's doing to me mentally, emotionally, and physically.. I want to scream, cry, fall down, and punch a fucking hole in the wall all at the same time and all my doctors are doing is passing the buck onto each other and letting every other doctor I see worry about it.
I'm so on edge that I literally can't even stand the fucking sound of my grandmothers voice who lives with us. Anything she says and does drives me up the motherfucking wall, which includes the bullshit she pulls with our dogs.. She has no life or any control over her own life so she fucking terrorizes our dogs.
I absolutely hate coming out of my fucking room. With feeling as shitty as I do I'm not sleeping properly so when I do actually finally crash and fall asleep I sleep for 10-12 hours at a time. When I wake up I get to do it all the fuck over again.
I've been in some dark places in my life, I've struggled with figuring out why I'm alive and survived the medical shit I endured as a child when it almost killed me several times and most times I honestly wish I didn't survive any of it.
I can honestly say that I really don't want to live to see what life has in store for me in the future. I really don't want to live to see my life at my parents age (53) nor do I want to live long enough to see what life's like at my grandmothers age (86). To be completely fucking honest I don't want to see what life is like in my 30s and come December I'm officially 3 years away from being 30 years old.
I dropped out of grade school because I couldn't do it. I struggled through college to get into a career line I thought would actually give me a successful and emotionally and financially fulfilling life, Only to find out the career line I chose has gone to absolute shit and much like a lot of careers it no longer offers a " Do your 20-25 years of service and then your out" option.
I'm stuck at home all day because I'm broke and get to sit around and listen to my grandmothers bullshit which absolutely drives me up a fucking wall and is wearing on the last god damn razor thin shred of nerve I have.
I wish I would have cut a little deeper or drank a little more when I attempted my life at 15 but I saw the incredible amount of blood and the fact that it wouldn't stop bleeding and I panicked and did everything in my power to get it to stop, Which it eventually did.
I've got a couple actual real true friends after being alone the majority of my life but I'm getting to the point where I don't even like going out with them much (not that we can still do much down here in FL, Bars are fully open but not much else worth a shit is). It's always the same thing when we go out.. Dinner, and then bar bar bar bar. I like drinking on occasion but I can't afford to blow $50+ on booze every single Friday and Saturday night like they do.
All I want to do is crawl into bed, drift off into a happy dream/place and then just not wake up and let my mind stay in that happy place forever.
I've absolutely lost interest in all my hobbies. I've been wanting to get back into reptile keeping and planned on getting everything I needed and even had a bearded dragon I had my eye on all picked out with a plan to put a deposit on it but then I realized It'd just be one more thing I had to deal with and take care of throughout the day and completely lost all interest in getting back into reptiles.
Between the stress, the low testosterone, and the other health issues I'm having my appetite is all over the place. I'll go from barely eating half of 1 decent meal a day to being absolutely ravenous and insatiable with hunger. Sitting down to dinner with my family is the absolute worst part of my day because it usually means listening to my grandmothers lies and bullshit. Not to mention since I rarely talk much anymore, not that I ever talked much before, When I sit at the dinner table with my head down and just try to get through the meal so I can go back to bed I've got my grandmothers prying eyes fixed on me just begging for me to look up so she can say or ask something fucking stupid.
I know that my health issues and low testosterone are exacerbating how I'm feeling, but I don't want any part in this shit anymore. I'm so fucking done with it all.
I couldn't live with myself in whatever plane of existence or consciousness exists after the physical life, if one exists at all. But I'm sadly fucking stuck dealing with this misery everyday because I couldn't live with myself if I did something because I'd leave the only person whose ever truly given a shit about me absolutely heartbroken and the last thing I want to do is hurt my mom.
I know how you feel, i have felt that way myself. I do not like the thought of living forever, that sounds terrible, but maybe if we invest in spirituality things will be great. I cannot imagine what the afterlife good and bad will be like. But i invest for the good.
I appreciate the reply! Sorry I didn't respond sooner I've been trying to avoid a lot of social media and try to detox myself from some recent toxic moods.
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