Absolutely God Damn Tired Of It.
I've been going through some major ups and downs in my life. I have finally admitted to myself that I, like many people, absolutely hate my fucking job and want to find something better as soon as possible, However I'm also painfully aware, Just like so many other people, I can't just quit my job because I have bills and a car that I really can't afford to have repo'd. I have been having a lot of medical issues, To the point where I'm having to miss a shit ton of work and am getting ready to return to work after a week long doctor imposed mandatory bed rest order. I'm doing my best to make the best out of my last couple days off and come Monday I will be sitting down with my boss and the owner of the company I work for to discuss my new part time schedule until my health gets straightened out.
Certain issues with my health are causing me to fly off the handle worse than I typically do. I've always been very blunt, I speak my mind no matter what, and I will gladly voice my opinion and have the ability to do so without sugar coating it or giving a shit if you get offended because that's what you asked me for. However, I am flying off the handle over absolute stupid shit..
I have a long history here at TTL and I've grown and matured a lot in my time here, I come and go now that I'm a little older and quite honestly I just don't have the time to always vent like I would like, Which has made my horrible habit of bottling shit up until I explode so much worse...
Getting to my point.. A lot of you are familiar with my family history and the issues I have with certain family members.. My brother and I's issues are better and that's mostly because I rarely ever see him and when I do I'm just too god damn tired to fight or argue or let my dislike for him drive me away from living and doing what I want in my house (my parents house technically).
My grandmother is driving me up a fucking wall... She is worse now than she has ever been.. She's constantly stirring the shit pot and lately with my health issues she's been egging my mom on and telling my mom how horrible my mom's going to feel when she has to bury her son (me). My health issues are pretty serious and the major one absolutely could kill me, but it's something I have been battling with since I was all of 2 years old and will battle with until the day I die. I have been in remission with this particular illness for almost 13 years or so now, So it doesn't really surprise me that things are finally starting to go wrong and the medical devices in my body are finally failing after all this time. I consider myself one of the lucky ones as several other people with my same condition go under the knife every 2-3 years, 5 years tops like clockwork.
My biggest issue right now is my dad.. I have spoken countless times about my strained relationship with my father.. It's a little bit better now that I'm older mainly because I'm making my own money, paying my own bills, and really don't give a fuck to waste time boohooing that he doesn't have any interest in being a dad. He never really has so why the fuck would it be any different now at 26... We get along okay.. Some days I tolerate him, Some days it's honestly a good day and we get along really well.. Lately he's been sticking his foot in his mouth though and it's really starting to fucking piss me off.. Everytime I go out with my friend, No matter what we do, We usually stop at some point and eat. My dad is a food addict and morbidly obese. Anytime he finds out I've gone out to eat with my friend or I come home from being out all night or all day with my friend and I try to talk to my mom or just try to have a genuine conversation with my dad, he turns it to food.. "ohh you went to (Insert random fucking restaurant here)? Guess what your mom and I had!?" He acts like I fucking owe him the world, and as my dad, I kinda do, But I don't.. I owe my mom the world because she actually gave enough of a shit and still gives enough of a shit about me to actually make sure her and I stay close. I'm just getting sick of no matter what I do or how much fun I have between my father and my grandmother, When I come home my good mood and my good day goes right the fuck out the window.. All my dad cares about is if I stopped and ate, and if I did, Why didn't I call and invite him and my mom and let me just say... I call and offer all the time. My mom doesn't always feel like going out and my dad being the man child he is can't go do anything on his fucking own without someone with him, So naturally sometimes I just don't fucking bother. Earlier this evening when I got home my dad threw a childish fit because after being out on the lake all day with my buddy in his boat he just finished restoring, We stopped and ate before the long ass drive back to his house and then my even longer drive back home. He pissed and moaned that I didn't call and invite them and that I didn't bring anything in. He's a grown ass man, He's got more money than I do and he's throwing a fit because I didn't call and invite him to come and eat on my dime, for a meal that quite honestly wasn't worth the fucking $15 I spent on it. It was fucking garbage and I was severely disappointed in it, but that happens from time to time with restaurants and I get that.. But all my dad gave a fuck about was that I didn't call and tell them to come eat on my dime. I've been out of work on and off for the better part of August now, at least 2 days out of the work week I've had to call out for medical necessity and tests. I had enough in my bank yesterday (Friday 8/14) to pay all but 3 of my bills and had just enough to be able to go out and have a little fun without digging into what is already essentially spoken for via automatic withdrawal come Sunday night/ Monday morning.
I do my absolute best to help out at home. I live at home rent free so I make sure I help out the best I can as far as making sure the home is taken care of and before my parents came into some money and things got tight, I always offered to help out on bills, Most of the time I was turned down, but if they turned down my offer to help financially I made sure I made up for it by helping out in any manner I could, which usually boils down to making sure I keep my room clean, looking after the dogs when their not home, and whatever else I can possibly do to make my moms life easier.
I wasn't fortunate enough like my brother to leave home at 19 years old and with the way my life is going and the way my jobs going, I will unfortunately probably still be home at 30. It's not how I seen my life and it's certainly not what I would have wanted, but shit is the way it is and I can only do my best with the situation as it presents itself. Right now I can afford to pay my bills every month and every couple of weeks I may have enough left over in my bank and I may be far ahead enough on my bills where I can take some money out of the bank and put it in my safe for a rainy day.
I'm doing my fucking best and I wish my old man would realize that when he "jokes" as he says he's doing, It really hits a fucking raw nerve with me and it really fucking pisses me off. But if I say anything, I need to lighten up and then he starts trying to push mood pills on me. I refuse to take them, They're great for those who need them and he's a completely different person when he's on them vs when he's off of them, he's twice the fucking prick off of them as he is on them.. I just.. I want somebody to cut me a fucking break..
I'm unfortunately an "essential" employee and prior to this month with all my medical shit I was working 6 days a week and quite literally working myself to exhaustion and into the ground with an odd day off here and there. The sad part is, I'm busting my ass like this and barely making ends fucking meet.
I just wish my old fucking man would think before he fucking speaks and understand that when he busts my balls like that it fucking pisses me off and really strikes a nerve with me. I would have no problem helping out on bills if my parents needed it, all they would have to do is ask and they know if I've got it, I would absolutely give it to them. But this passive aggressive "joking" way my dad does it fucking sucks and I'm fucking tired of it. I wish somebody would take this fucking weight off my shoulders so I can fucking breathe and try to enjoy life for once.
You can do it! Stay believing in your positive side.
Someday, everything will make perfect sense.:heart:
To make all these matters worse, Ontop of the major medical issues I've also been diagnosed with Low T but they dont want to put me on testosterone with my other long term health issue as they're worried about masking the symptoms of my long term issue by pumping me full of testosterone. My white blood is through the roof ontop of it all so between my major condition, my testosterone, and my white blood skyrocketing I feel like I could simultaneously scream, cry, punch a hole in the wall and fall down from complete exhaustion every second of the day.
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