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-   -   I had planned it out.....but I found out something (https://www.takethislife.com/suicide-prevention/i-had-planned-out-but-i-289530/)

shakenama 07-10-20 03:24 PM

I had planned it out.....but I found out something
It was back just a few years ago in 2012. I felt useless, worthless. And that darkness started to overwhelm me.

I was hurting and the pain was too much.
That feeling that you want it to stop, but it comes like a freight train and you can't get off the track. I didn't have anyone to talk to and I was certainly not going to tell family.

I wanted the pain to end so I made plans.......

Nobody will ever find me. I wanted it that way. Away from society....... away from the pain and hurt.

So the plan was set..... one night sitting in my car,

I was thinking what to write in my goodbye letter, I looked up at the starry sky I asked "Will you forgive me?"

But what about family?..... I thought about my parents...... my dad wouldn't understand. It would hurt my mom deep.

My son and daughter would would be left devastated. My leaving would leave a legacy of pain for the family.

I thought about the Rebecca Ann Sedwicks and Megan Meiers in the world. They ended it but left a lifetime of grief and pain for family and friends. Rebecca's death hit me hard and I didn't even know her.

A word came into my heart...... "Wait"
Wait it out...... think about family I thought to myself. A well known saying creeped in my mind..... "Suicide is a permanent solution to often a temporary problem"

I hid my method of choice

"Another day" I said to myself..... just.... keep.... going.

That was 8 years ago.

Today I'm sitting on the couch holding my 3 year old granddaughter Addison and watching my 6 year old grandson Conner playing a racing game on his XBOX.

I found out something...... Things change
The problems we face.... the pain we go thru...... they don't last forever.

We just have to endure, strive and realize that life is worth it.
Love y'all.... Stay strong

tigerlover 07-10-20 04:48 PM

great posting,Shakenama..you went deep but lifted yourself up..and the people did not know maybe about you,your plans,but your'e a survivor in this world...and an inspiration for anyone who feel what you wrote in your thread,and now this day...well...you know you did the right thing..
I would bow my head for people like you..because life is often difficult,but still it is worthwhile living...thanks for posting this...

NRebeccaS 08-24-20 02:19 PM

Thank you so much for this share. And keep walking in strength.

Xerxes 01-30-21 09:55 PM

This is a beautiful message. I think a lot of us here know what it’s like to feel as though there is no hope, and when we feel this way it helps to know that there’s a path to a better life. It’s messages like this that gives hope to those that may not have had any.


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