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NRebeccaS 05-09-20 03:29 PM

Anyone still in contact with abuser?
 
Hi everyone.

The title is self-explanatory; on all the websites out there and in most of the books/blogs I've read, it seems that the abuser, when (s)he is a close family member, somehow magically disappears when the victim grows up. Or else the victim makes a courageous decision to cut off all ties and that's that.

Is there anyone here - anyone in the world - who doesn't find themselves able to make that decision?

How do you feel when you are in contact with them? Say at family gatherings or on the telephone? Have you ever confronted them about the abuse?

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not the only coward in the world.

Dark Witch 05-10-20 12:27 PM

I was sexually abused by my brother-in-law for 3 years. He is still married with my sister. For family gatherings, I avoid being around him and speaking to him. He sometimes has the "dignity" coming to my house with my sister and their children. He pretends nothing has happen. I lock myself in my room when he comes over.



I wish my sister would divorce him but, she won't for the children sake. He has caused conflict in our family. He tried multiple times to hit on other family memories. My sister puts up with his crap.



I wish this man dies of a deadly disease. I hope he dies in a slow painful death.

ayesha23 05-12-20 03:59 AM

my abuser was my mother, and while I live in a diffrent part of the country to her she does still try and get in touch with me to make threats

in most cases, my carer just tells her that I'm not interested which is probably the best she can hope for

NRebeccaS 05-15-20 03:54 AM

Whoa! I am so sorry to hear your story. That sounds awful and like a source of ongoing pain. Am I correct in surmising that your sister knows of the abuse?? How does that affect your relationship with her?

Have there ever been awkward questions from your parents or nephews/nieces? I mean is anyone putting you under pressure to "justify" your behavior towards BIL?

NRebeccaS 05-15-20 03:57 AM

@ayesha23 Good for you moving away. So if I understand correctly, it's not you initiating the contact with your mother, it's her.

The thing I'm so afraid of is the judgment from the whole extended family - and not just judgment; my grandmother (abuser's mother, got it?) has just turned 99 and I love her so much. How could I break her heart by revealing what happened?

I also happen to love my stepmother and I'm really glad and relieved that she is now responsible for him and deflecting his attention from me. When I was younger, she was very supportive and did a lot of things for me, so I am grateful and really, really don't want to do anything that could threaten this marriage.

So yeah. That's my life. Smile like you're on camera, don't rock the boat. The awful thing about abuse is that it turns you into a liar against your will.

Wednesday925 05-15-20 05:43 AM

I am not in contact with him
 
But my whole family besides my ďgood brother ď talks to him and now none of them Tal it me ... it was the typical .... believe the abuser .... all 3 sisters talk to him and visit and pay for him etc ... when I read you saying .. you wish he dies a horrible death ... Iíve said that so many times ... and I felt weird for saying it or thinking it ... now I donít and I feel normal itís a normal reaction ... it was my other older brother .. and when I did tell someone ... he called I got death threats ... and no one cared .. oh they heard them they were on the answering machine and I played them
For my older sister ... who seems to have conveniently forgotten ... now ... itís a mess Iím the bad one ... Iím the lair ... itís so depressing and I canít understand why they would talk to him and stick up for him ... Iím alone now no contact .. with my sisters ... only one I really Used to care about ... sheís been warped by the stepford wives now ... and itís lonely ... I took care of my Parents till they died .. no one helped and I miss them ... they knew and they were not happy with it at all .. weird situation ... but I have cancer for the 3rd time no one cares (I slandered his name ) oh please ! Sorry Iím rambling... I have to go back to the hospital Monday ... stupid me called one of my sisters the one I was close with in a moment of desperation? I donít know .. she never called back now I feel worse I feel like a complete fool ... especially when I am alone on holidays ... sick thinking I have I guess ? Or ? I miss a family ... but I also donít miss them ... itís hard I canít explain ... my brother gave me ďspecial baths ď he also groomed
Me for years .... Iím older so back then even a few years ago this WASNT out in the open ... I seee it all now and ... well, I just wanted to let you know youíre not alone ... itís painful everyone ... I am here with you ... sorry if Iím not making sense ... itís 3:30 in the morning ... I saw this and had to come and say something just so also we know we are not alone ... and thatís so sad .. so many of us ...Iím glad Iím here ... I said the exact words that I wished he would die a slow and painful death ... and I know how you feel or close to it ... Iím so sorry all of you this has happened .. their should be more help out there for us ... or? I donít know ... and to this day I was 7 at that time and I donít know how long it went on ... Iíve blocked a lot of it out ... thanks for letting me be here and this helped me right now Iím having a really tough time ... love to all of you that have suffered abuse ... and I really donít have any advice by talking it well made my life hell ans heís on with his and What ever ...

NRebeccaS 05-15-20 07:29 AM

@Wednesday925 First of all please let me send you best wishes for your hospital stay starting on Monday and I hope you will have a speedy and complete recovery! Cancer is a b****.

I am so sad that you weren't believed in your own family. That must have been very painful and I admire that you even tried to address the issue and make it known.

Of course we all keep turning to our families for support, even if they have proven in the past that they are not really our families (i.e. don't love us, aren't there for us, aren't trustworthy etc.). But that's where you go, even if it hurts ... because all human beings want to have a loving family where they belong.

It's why things like this forum are so important.

Thank you for sharing with us!

42gami 01-26-21 07:36 AM

I'm still in contact.

I was sexually abused for 2-3 years and I had told my friend about it long after it happened.

My family found out about what had happened to me after my friend reached out to them. They confronted my abuser and I did too. The person cried a lot. Not only at the confrontation but after as well. They were sorry and still are to this day. I can feel the self-loathing from them whenever I see them. They have changed a lot since.

I've been healing and explored forgiveness for them but I made it a point to keep them at a distance. We're okay now and still see each other often as the person is a family member and they're respectful of my boundaries.

It's strange. Forgiving your abuser. I didn't know whether I was allowed to or not. But mine did change a lot since then. I was incredibly hurt and I think they were too after they realised they couldn't take what happened back. What they did to me was definitely wrong. Abuse is never justifiable. I can't make excuses for why or what they did but I can forgive them. I just will never be as close as I was with them before.

I've seen a lot of people who are still in contact with their abuser who didn't even feel remorse for them. I hope you guys are okay.

I didn't know whether or not to send this. My circumstance seemed different to a lot of other people's.

NRebeccaS 03-21-21 03:23 PM

You experienced what it is like to forgive your abuser! That's amazing. Seriously, it's not just a phrase. Nineteen years later I am still, very slowly, looking for psychological "footing", as it were, so I can find a place of being able to forgive.

Though your abuser showing remorse is really important. Thank you so much for sharing this because it is a different story than the perhaps somewhat more "shockworthy" ones that make it into the media or sell well as books, you know what I mean?

I think relationships between abuser and victim are often ambivalent and confusing- people on the outside can say "break off the contact/stop seeing them" but it is not that easy.

I have gone N/C with my abuser (biological father) by writing him an email and explaining I would not be in touch while I am in trauma therapy and that I would also be the one to reinitiate contact.

If you could tell me more about the process that went before you could find it in your heart to forgive, that would be really inspiring for me to know. But only if you feel comfortable with it!

dletond 05-11-21 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dark Witch (Post 2946676)
I was sexually abused by my brother-in-law for 3 years. He is still married with my sister. For family gatherings, I avoid being around him and speaking to him. He sometimes has the "dignity" coming to my house with my sister and their children. He pretends nothing has happen. I lock myself in my room when he comes over.



I wish my sister would divorce him but, she won't for the children sake. He has caused conflict in our family. He tried multiple times to hit on other family memories. My sister puts up with his crap.



I wish this man dies of a deadly disease. I hope he dies in a slow painful death.

I can't believe your sister puts up with that, if I were here I would divorce him as soon as I've known what he has done to you. Blood should always be thicker than water, family is family


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