What do you do when you can’t find the answer to your suffering?
I keep questioning myself, where did I go wrong, when did I take the wrong turn, who did I hurt, that brought me here on the path of unbearable suffering?
Why? What have I done to deserve this? What’s the purpose of all this pain? Is this a test or punishment or the beginning of my end?
Is this pain ever going to end? Am I ever going to feel happiness again? Just for a short while, one more time...I forgot what it feels like, it’s been so long.
I feel like a river of tears is behind my eyes and I just want to explode in many pieces and cease to exist leaving no trace as if I never existed.
I keep pushing through minutes, hours, days, months...soon it will be 2 years since I’ve seen the light of hope.
I am in the world of hurt and pain and suffering, and I don’t know how to stop this because I don’t know WHY I had to get here in the first place.
You've been kind enough to comment on some of my posts in the pasts and have given me some pretty good advice and things to think of in the past. I just want you to know that I can't do much but let you know that I know what you're going through. I spent several years in the same kind of place you are currently in and felt the same things you currently are. I didn't think it would ever end. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep forever. I still feel like that more often than not. When I first experienced what you're going through I was a young teen at the time and turned to alcohol to try to cope with what I was going through. I can't say that it helped nor can I say it hurt me because I honestly don't know.. and I'm not suggesting drinking to no matter if you're a legal aged adult or not as a coping mechanism. Nor am I here to judge if you do choose to self medicate because I'm guilty of doing it myself.
I know I'm kind of babbling here, but I'll try to get to my point. I don't know if I've ever moved on from that point in my life, I'm certainly not cured and happy go lucky. However, Whether I've just grown used to it or I've learned how to roll with the punches, It does get easier. I know that probably sounds cliche and what most people would say. But I've found that sometimes you have no real choice but to put your head down and keep taking the hits until they stop or at least become a little softer. The best thing you can do when all you want is to lay down and wave the white flag is to get up, knock the dirt off your shoulders, spit in life's face, and keep pushing forward.
I know my pain comes from my childhood. My parents have instilled self destructing program in me, father - by abandoning me, mother - by insidious brain washing and manipulation. She has never loved me, no matter how hard I tried to please her.
Her underlining message was always "I dont want you, I hate you, you aint shit, whatever you do is useless, you will never be anything", while covering up in pretending to be a good mother and shaming and blaming, whenever I questioned her. This is so insidious, it took me 30+ years to figure out.
I know a good therapist could help me sort this out to some extent. But at this point, I have no means.
Having those messages in my subconscious mind, I am constantly questioning "why bother?" Why go to work, why eat, why clean the house, why meet people, why do anything...when it's all useless, no one cares if I even exit, why not just lay down and die....
I try to push through every day. Little by little. Trying to not look too far ahead. Not so long ago I was seriously contemplating suicide. I did research and even picked the method for me, then when thinking of the things I'd need, all of a sudden I felt some strength again. I am also religious. Suicide is a no no for me, no matter how much I want to exit. I decided I won't let anybody win, not my mother, not anything. I will push through. The suicide thought is behind now. Will Never come back to it again. But the pain is still here. Some days are better, others are much worse. I had to take a month off work, I was mentally breaking down, where I coudnt function on daily basis anymore. It helped a bit.
Thanks BigD93 for being here :hug::hug::hug:
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