I could have been a great husband.
It's just weird, in a way, as to how things used to be before I lost myself. Oh, he's still in here, but he is far more subdued.
I stopped and put my life on hold, which in reality wasn't much of a life, but I changed to take care of my nieces, then my ex'es two nephews, then my wife's two boys.
They weren't well versed with taking care of kids, so I had no problems with it, and I learned a lot. When I met what would become my wife, I had decided on attempting college to become a teacher, and man, I would have been a great teacher, heh.
However, I gave that up to take care of my wife, as she was living in squalid conditions, and only ate things like mac and cheese out of a box. So I moved in with her, quit college, and began working. Oh man, the things I started out doing with them all, was great. I got my eldest into thrashing/moshing to thrash metal, and he got real good with skate boarding, better than me, it was awesome.
The boys had a lot of fun, in the beginning, but the job I got was terrible, and she was not as loving as I always dreamed a woman to be. It was furniture delivery, and almost as soon as I started it began destroying my body. 2000-2002 was horrible. Six days a week tearing and shredding muscles and tendons with my only day off left getting yelled at for not doing anything around the house. She only worked part time, but it meant she had to stop watching t.v. That was her drug. She couldn't be bothered to do much with us by the time I had to quit in 2002, and she never understood why I couldn't do as much as I used to. (I used to take care of the kids, the house cleaning, cooking, almost everything because she just couldn't and it didn't bother me. It's what I was used to).
The tears and strains on my muscles, joints, and tendons, though, that became too much and man, having her not be helpful in the least I just couldn't deal with it and I went nuts. To deal with the nothingness I gave up a lot of my eccentric attitude and spent too much time avoiding interaction with them, but I still kept a lot of it.
I used to grab a sword, and run outside to hoot and holler as I "killed" the ghosts that were scaring the kids. Also, I would act all silly in front of the kids and her just to make them all laugh, and do a lot of "husband/father" type things. The kids would get hurt, and I'd know what to do right then and there. There was no hesitation, I was quick on the draw. I was a good man, a good father, and a good husband, and she couldn't see it, didn't want to.
She knew I was a mathematician at heart, and I knew when she started telling me that I'm stupid for the way I was trying to teach the boys math (she had seen me teach our then 3 year old about multiplication to help his 7 year old brother with his homework), I knew that the boys were going to someday be disrespectful towards me, and yep, it happened. About 12 with my eldest, and a year or two after that for my youngest.
So much more, but man I don't know where to even go...O_o, anyway, last year I did attempt to leave her, but it was far far far too late. I pushed myself too hard doing electrical that I tore myself up so bad that I had to quit, and since I lost my insurance (she waited til after I lost it to tell me she left enough money for it) so I couldn't do piloting for oversize loads any more (which I could have kept myself going for quite a while).
Anyway, I blew up at a lazy coworker, and I had known that my pains were getting too bad, so I had to come back to her. Then to make matters worse, I attempted to work at Walmart, stocking shelves for two days was enough to destroy my back more than before. It's been about 7 months, and I still can't stay on my feet for more than 10 minutes. I can't work...I can't hold a bloody job at all. God I hurt like all hell.
I'm trying to get into things, now, at least, she doesn't put me down like she used to, but she's still very very very distant. It's fine if I do things with her, but like hell she'd do things with me. I tried to set up a game night, totally ignored. O_o, yeesh.
I've even started having terrible sleeping patterns again. Remembering how she spoke of me when I left her last year, and the things she did, plus how little I am in her mind...It's just so horrible.
Two years ago I met a nice girl in Missouri, and I tried so hard to meet up with her more often, but I'm too old fashioned. You just don't do that. I just couldn't...
I get no respect. My eldest son cussed me out a couple of weeks ago and was putting me down for knitting and "mooching" off of his mother, and I still can't hardly do anything. I can't even take care of my garden which the bloody squash beetles are destroying. I tried talking to her, which did help for a few days, but all the rest of the 18 years come flooding in like there's no tomorrow...
If she just trusted me. We could have been happy, our children would have been well cared for, and we'd both be extremely successful...Now I'm just waiting for Mr. Death to save me, O_o (No! Unfortunately, I'm not suicidal, I'm just patiently waiting for nature to take it's course).
Erf! The pain...The pain...Oh man, how it tears my brain in half. Throw in the sleeplessness, and it exacerbates it excessively. O_o. Erf...
Eh, I'm still that same ol fella, though. And although I feel horrid, I'll still joke, have fun, etc. I ain't gone yet, dad gummit, ;-).
I just want to say something, Ehisdi. I am sorry you experience chronic pain. That's unfortunate. I wish I could take it away, but your assembly code is still very impressive. 😊 I think your old self is still in there. I know it may seem like life has changed too much for you to recapture what you feel like is your old identity, but I think the difference between the old you and the new you may be smaller than you realize. I sometimes struggle with thinking it is too late to change my life.. it's too late to do this.. it's too late to do that, but I do come to my senses and realize that as long as I am still living, I can make a change for my life.
Can't think too well, the pain is really horrible this morning, but last night was great. It's the second time my wife has ever set up a game night. I'm trying to tell her things more. I hope that she will keep trying. It'd be nice if the family spent more time together. They'd understand us all a lot better, too.
Anyhoo, I'm leaning towards my physical traits were more of a habit, sort of almost the exact same as my smoking. A coping mechanism I used when I was younger. Meh, I'll try to think on this later. Pain too much.
Yeesh! Sometimes I annoy myself so much. I don't know what happened when my wife called me stupid back around 2008, but man, the majority of the things I say are just down right weird, and too much. I'd like it to stop, but it seems like it's getting worse, O_o.
And what happened to the majority of my vocabulary? I used to be a walking dictionary, but lately I have to keep a thesaurus and dictionary on hand because I can't remember diddly squat. Eh, maybe my brain is finally tired. I studied too much and burnt a fuse, heh.
Ever since I dropped out of school in 1993 (actually it was far far before that), I spent as much time as I possibly could studying and researching things. I knew a lot, and I know I still know a lot more than I did then, but man, what I'd give to have the concentration and the tenacity I used to have. (Had to search up tenacity to see if that was the correct word I wanted to use, it's pertinent. So it'll do).
Well, starting to lose sleep again, but in an odd way my chronic pain is helping me sleep. Since I can't sleep next to her, I get to sleep on the couch or the floor, which is much much easier for my knee. Not my back, but meh, I can live with that pain.
Pshew! I wish I could adapt and escape. I really need to escape.
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