Just Writing Things down...
I'm scared for her....my best friend lives in Malaysia, and there are rumors that an election war will be starting there, and people will shoot innocents if they leave their house. Suki says she doesn't believe that and keeps joking about it, but if those aren't rumors.......I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. The first advice I gave to her when we first met was "Don't die". I told myself that if anything happened to her (she's very depressed and suicidal) I would end my own life. She's the only one that gives my life any meaning. Whenever I see she's feeling down I try my hardest to cheer her up, but if I fail...I feel like the worst piece of shit to walk this earth. I know I'm just a waste of space, and no one actually cares...I probably only annoy all of my friends with my constant negativity. But I just can't see positive things anymore. The only person that can make me FEEL anything is Suki. Even from opposite sides of the planet she still manages to care more than the people I see every day. People at school are noticing I'm down, and throwing shit at me and spitting on me and making me feel worthless. They're bullying a girl for struggling with a severe mental illness and wanting to end her own life. I also have problems with academics, I just don't have the motivation to do my homework or pay attention in class. I still work hard at skating practice because it helps me forget everything. Which brings us to home issues. My parents spoil my younger sister so much you would never guess they had another child. I have to do everything myself, yet I'm not allowed any privacy. They told me a while back that I was a mistake, and that they regretted not getting an abortion. The first things I hear when I walk into the kitchen in the morning are just my daily reminders that I'm a disappointment and a failure. Then there's the problem of being part of the LGBTQ+ community when your parents are the world's biggest homophobes. I identify as Polysexual, but my mom saw it written somewhere on one of my drawings, and started lecturing me about how only boys should date girls and girls should date boys, and there are only two genders and all that bullshit. Has anyone here ever had to deal with having a relationship in secret? If not, let me tell you, it's complicated. That actually isn't that big of a struggle for me, compared to everything else though. Heh, writing this down, I realize I have a lot more problems than I realized..... I might add to this more, eventually. But that's the less complicated version of what's going on right now. If you have any advice, or just want to chat or be friends, let me know.
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